Omni-Lingual Transcript

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Transcript for Omni-Lingual.


{Scene opens with Matt walking up to a desk, with Graham standing behind it}

{Matt rings a bell. Graham takes it away from him.}

Graham: May I help you, sir?

Matt: I'd like to renew my insurance please.

Graham: Absolutely. Your name, please?

Matt: In Dutch.

Graham: Interesting. Is that "in" with one or two n's?

Matt: No, I want you to serve me in Dutch. It says right there you can serve me in any language I want, and I want you to serve me in Dutch.

Graham: But you can speak English.

Matt: I'm sorry, what was that? I can't...

Graham: Very well, uh zeer goed. Wanneer had onlangs werd vernieuwd?

Matt: I last renewed it three years ago. German now.

Graham: Seriously? Ernstig?

Matt: German! Chop chop!

Graham: Alright. I can't actually speak German, but Mr. Philips can speak a little bit, so let me just... Señor Philips?

Matt: That doesn't sound German.

{Jer enters the scene.}

Graham: Ah, no. He doesn't actually speak English, so I'm gonna have to talk to him in Spanish and then he'll translate for you, so: ¿cuál es su dirección actual

Jer (Mr. Philips): Was ist Ihre gegenwärtige Adresse?

Matt: 365 Gamma street.

Graham: ¿Código Postal?

Jer: Post-code?

Matt: Klingon.

Graham: ¿Que

Jer: Was?

Matt: You heard me. Klingon.

Graham: ¿Vose e serio

Jer: Sie sind ernst?

Matt: Yes. Quite serious.

Graham: Alright. Mr. Heder? Mr. Heder had a difficult and lonely childhood, and only speaks Klingon and Jamaican Patwah.

{Paul enters the scene.}

Paul (Mr. Heder): Qapla'?

Graham: A'ight me bredda, 'ear me now. One be rowin' up on dis my yoot's postal code an' ting, one love rasta.

Paul: Nuq chuq dathagh nithlagh?

Matt: 67533.

Graham: Alright, I don't think I know this one in Patwah.

Matt: Swedish.

Graham: You- I can't help but feel like you're abusing our customer service policies.

Matt: Okay then. Swedish chef.

{Graham, Paul and Jer sigh}

Paul: Ab soH sit kos!

Graham: A'ight me bredda, go on get me young rasta Brian an' ting.

Paul: Qapla'.

Graham: You are evil.

Matt: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Graham: Something you're very good at.

Matt: What was that?

Graham: Nothing at all.

{Paul returns with Morgan (Brian).}

Graham: Brian. I need dish man'sh driver'sh-

Matt: Wait, what is that?

Graham: It's a sketchy impression of Sean Connery, and you brought this on yourself. I need dish man'sh driver'sh lishenshe number.

{Morgan starts an interpretive dance routine.}

{Matt leans in to talk to Graham in private, so as not to disturb Morgan.}

Matt: What's he doing?

Graham: Well, I don't know the Patwah for asking your driver's license number, but Brian knows interpretive dance. It's a universal language, so one of them should be able to pick it up.

{Morgan finishes his routine.}

Jer: Das ist ein...

Paul: Dagh. Um vagh... O, qapla' qapla'! Eedee-dorkee-bork dee driver's license, dee beepee-beepee, dee derkee-derkee.

Matt: Oh right. I don't have a car.

{Morgan twirls in to join the group flipping off Matt.}


Ben: 011100000110010101100101.

Graham: Uh, yeah, it's down the hall to the left.

Ben: Thank you.