Hell's Kitchen Transcript

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Transcript for Hell's Kitchen


{Scene opens on Graham's nervous face. He is wearing a pot on his head and taking deep breaths. Dramatic music is playing in the background.}

Graham: Okay, guys. On the count of three, we're going in.

{Cut to Paul, who's wearing a colander on his head}

Paul: You mean, standing up, right?

Graham: No, I mean a dramatic charge, to bolster ourselves for the horrors we are certainly about to face.

{Cut to James who's also wearing a pot on his head}

James: But really, all we have to do is stand up.

Paul: So why are we wearing these pots on our heads?

Graham: For protection from the awfulness! {points upwards} Out there.

James: You mean, up there, right?

{As the music fades, the camera pans back, revealing that Graham, Paul and James are crouching behind the kitchen counter, the top of which is completely cluttered with empty packets, dirty dishes and all sorts of other mess.}

Graham: Look, are you guys with me or not?

James: Well, did we have a choice?

Paul: {removing his colander and talking at the same time as James} This is really dirty.

James: Yeah, mine is too. {removes his pot}

Graham: They're all dirty!

Paul: Why are you making us wear dirty pots on our heads?

James: Yeah.

{Camera cuts to another angle as the guys stand up, Graham taking off his pot as he does. We also get a proper look at how bad the kitchen really is. I won't go into complete detail about the mess but let's just say, eew!}

Graham: Because all the pots are dirty! Look!

James: Yeah, but that doesn't explain why you made us wear dirty pots on our heads.

Graham: Because without them, we'd be defenseless.

Paul: You could have washed them first!

Graham: Why would I wash dishes in an attempt to help... motivate us to... wash dishes- Look, are guys gonna help me or not?

James: I don't even live here!

Paul: {addressing Graham} Hey there's, there's food in your hair.

{Graham reaches up and pulls out some scrap of food from behind his ear.}

Graham, Paul & James: Eew!

Graham: {tossing the scrap into the pile} Look, you guys are gonna help me because this is a foe that no one mortal should have to face by himself.

{James and Paul don't reply, but just place the pot and colander on the counter and make to go.}

Graham: Could you at least wash the dishes you have before you leave?

Paul: {checking into the kitchen} I don't think we can even get to the sink!

James: How did this even happen?

{Scene cuts to flashback in Bill's room, where Graham is holding his laptop at Bill, showing some kind of timetable.}

Graham: So according to the new rota, on Thursdays, you do the dishes.

Bill: {looking over the rota} That seems needlessly complex.

Graham: {angrily} Do not doubt the color-coded rota!

{Cut back to kitchen in present day}

Paul: You didn't really expect us to follow that, did ya? I mean, you wrote it and you didn't even follow it.

Graham: I'm clearly surrounded by philistines.

Kathleen: {offscreen} Holy Jesus in a peanut! What happened in here?

{Kathleen comes into the kitchen, clambering over an unseen pile of crap as she does so.}

Graham: Yeah. Nobody followed the rota.

Kathleen: Yeah, I think the lack of obedience to your rota was but a minor contributing factor to this disaster.

{Kathleen tentatively picks up a pair of underwear, possibly Morgan's, but grimaces and tosses it away over James' next line.}

James: Why don't you guys just move?

Paul: Or cleanse it with fire?

James: {raising finger} Brilliant! {runs out of kitchen}

Kathleen: Uh, there's things in here fire isn't even gonna fix, guys. And besides, you'll kill all the little burrowing animals that have moved in. Those mammals are so charismatic!

Graham: I don't think we'd have a problem with that. It would save on getting an exterminator.

{While Graham's talking, James comes back in, carrying a big bag of charcoal.}

James: {patting bag} Who's got some matches?

Kathleen: James, can you see why that might be a bad idea?

James: I don't live here. {holds out hand to Paul} Matches!

Kathleen: No, no, no. Look, we need to get somebody to clean this.

James, Graham & Paul: {raising their hands} Shotgun!

Kathleen: No, not one of us, that's madness! I have a better plan.

James, Graham & Paul: Ohhhhh!

{Scene cuts to Bill's room, where Bill is playing WoW. Kathleen, Graham, Paul and James enter.}

Kathleen: Uh, Bill? Uh, we need your help in the kitchen.

Bill: Well, um, I would, but uh I'm kind of sick. {coughs} And uh, I'm grinding in Orgrimmar. You can't do that in a day.

Kathleen: We need you to help us kidnap someone, to clean the kitchen for us.

Bill: Kidnap someone?

{Kathleen nods.}

Bill: Alright.

{As James, Graham and Kathleen leave the room, Bill Alt-Tabs his game then picks up a gun, cocks it and gets up to follow them, leaving Paul to think on Bill's words.}

Paul: Wait, how are you grinding in Orgrimmar?

{Scene cuts to outside in the streets. Bill is holding a sleeping bag while he, James, Graham, Kathleen and Paul scan the streets.}

Kathleen: This person's gonna have to be pretty big and strong.

James: Yeah. You know, the last thing we want is for him to die in there, 'cos then we're gonna have to kidnap somebody else to clean up the kitchen and the body of the first dead person.

Graham: Yeah... Hey! {points down the road} How about that guy?

James: Ooh!

{Everyone looks too. Camera cuts to show Brad walking up the street, hands in his pockets, minding his own business.}

{Cut back to the gang. Kathleen points to Paul and he runs out. Meanwhile, Kathleen, Bill, James and Graham run around behind the bush to wait in ambush. Bill's head is still visible for a few moments before Kathleen pushes him down.}

{Cut to Paul standing in front of the bush as Brad approaches him.}

Paul: Uh, hi, do you have the time?

Brad: Yeah, it's 2:15.

Paul: Uh, could you tell me the difference between classical and Hegelian phi- legal philosophy?

Brad: Yeah, with classical, you've got-

Kathleen: GET HIM!

{Suddenly, Bill, James and Graham charge in and pull the sleeping bag over Brad's head.}

James: Go, go, go!

Bill: Go go go go go!

{The guys then lift Brad up and carry him back to Bill's place v.2.}

{Scene cuts back to Bill's place as James, Graham, Bill and Kathleen pull the bag off Brad, who's looking very dazed and alarmed.}

Brad: What's going on?!

Kathleen: We kidnapped you because we need your help.

Brad: With... with philosophy? 'Cos I got a book and all.

Graham: No no no, we need you for your raw muscular strength. {puts hand on Brad's shoulder}

{Bill nods. Brad frowns and steps back nervously.}

Graham: Oh. {takes hand back}

James: No, no, no not like that. Well, actually we could...

Kathleen: {cutting in before anyone gets any ideas} NO! No, no, no!

James & Graham: Oh right, sorry.

Kathleen: We need your help to clean a kitchen.

Brad: ...That's it?

Kathleen: {points} THAT kitchen.

{Brad looks up. Scene cuts to really filthy kitchen as the music hits a terrifying chord. Again, I mustn't go into detail for several reasons, but I can tell you that the inflatable Lemming and the lava lamp from the Rapidfire sketches make an appearance.}


Graham: Now you see why we need your help.

Brad: ...What if I don't want to clean the kitchen?

James: Then we will torture you, until you do.

Brad: So, you'll torture me if I refuse...

James: Yep.

Brad: And you'll torture me if I accept?

James: Yeah, pretty much.

Brad: So I don't see how this works to my advantage.

{Everybody else just shrugs. As the music builds to a horrifying crescendo, we catch glimpses of an half-eaten sandwich, a really filthy frying pan, and a dustbin overflowing with refuse.}

Brad: I'm willing to take my chances. Torture.

Kathleen: {sighs} Very well then. {puts her hands together and rubs them menacingly}

{James, Graham and Bill do the exact same motion, and soon Brad does it too, though he is unsure why.}

{Scene cuts to Brad sitting at Bill's computer, grinding through WoW. Bill is seated next to him, while Graham and Kathleen stand around next to Bill. Graham has a can of Coke in his hand and Kathleen is eating from a packet of chips.}

Brad: Look, guys, this is really repetitive. Can I see the kitchen? I think I've changed my mind.

Bill: {shaking his head} No way, man! I'm thirty percent away from my Intrepid Battleaxe of the Boar, and you're gonna farm it 'til I get it.

James: {offscreen} Guys, I've tamed one of the badgers in here! I'm gonna name him Billy!

Brad: But... I mean, come on, when the expansion comes out, all of this is gonna be useless.

Graham: We told you we could be mean.

James: {offscreen, screaming} AAHHH! Down, Billy! DOWN!

Brad: At least give me some of those chips? I'm hungry.

Kathleen: If we kept you well fed, it wouldn't be torture.

James: {offscreen} Guys, I think I've been mauled by a badger. Help!

{Bill laughs at James' unseen misfortune.}

Brad: Oh look, another demonic Helboar.

James: {offscreen} I do seem to be losing an awful lot of blood!

Brad: Listen, I'm quite certain I'd like to see the kitchen.

Bill: Less talk, more Fat Lutes!

Paul: {running in} Hey, have you guys ground Orgrimmar yet?