Friday Nights: Untap Transcript

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Transcript for Friday Nights: Untap

INT. LOADINGREADYRUN MOONBASE - DAY

{TITLE: LOADINGREADYRUN MOONBASE}

(GRAHAM STARK and ALEX STEACY are playing Magic: the Gathering. MATT WIGGINS and PAUL SAUNDERS observe.)

Alex: I play this Ichorclaw Myr...

Graham: Uh...that resolves.

Alex: ...and I attack with the Phyrexian Juggernaut.

Graham: Ugh. Will you lay off the poison counters?

Alex: I'd love to, but he has to attack every turn. I think he comes from a broken home. He must attack, always, because he knows no other way.

Matt: Don't you understand? He doesn't want to hurt you, but the horrors he witnessed as a young juggernaut have left him with no other way to interact with the world (Alex somberly shakes his head)

Graham: Aww. I feel so bad for him now. I will let it through.

Alex: That's eleven poison counters, I win.

Graham: I don't blame you, juggernaut.

(PAUL looks from one to the other. We hear his perspective.)

Graham: Magic magic magic magic magic.

Matt: Magic magic magic magic magic magiiiic!

Alex: DERP DERP DERP I'M ALEX THIS IS HOW I TALK.

Graham: Magic magic magic magic.

Paul: OK, fine.

Graham: What's that?

Paul: Obviously you guys are having a lot of fun playing this game. But I have no idea how it works. Could somebody please show me how to play?

Graham: Uh...yeah?

Matt: Yeah.

Graham: Sure.

Jeremy Petter: (entering suddenly) Did somebody say "teach me how to play?"

Graham: Where the heck did you come from?

Jer: I have Flash?

(All laugh except PAUL)

Paul: Come on, guys.

Jer: Don't worry, Paul. We'll getcha there.

{FRIDAY NIGHTS INTRO - EACH CAST MEMBER APPEARS AS A MAGIC CARD. A REMIX OF THE COMMODOREHUSTLE THEME PLAYS.}

INT. YELLOWJACKET COMICS

{TITLE: YELLOWJACKET COMICS}

(ED BITTNER mans the counter. PAUL, JER, GRAHAM, and KATHLEEN DE VERE enter.)

Jer: Alright, so obviously the first step is going to be acquiring some cards.

Paul: (Grabbing a booster) Alright, I can do that.

Jer: Whoawhoawhoa, you can't just take any booster pack you want.

Paul: I was gonna pay for it.

Jer: There are procedures.

Graham: Oh, yeah, hey, Ed. Has anyone pulled a Sun Titan out of that box? 'Cause I need, like, four.

Ed: Let's see...

Kathleen: They're random. That's not how it works.

Graham: It hasn't worked yet. But statistically, it will soon.

Kathleen: That's not how statistics work.

Graham: Regression to the mean!

Kathleen: That's not regression to the mean.

Jer: As you can see, booster pack selection procedure is critical. Have a seat.

(Jer takes a booster box and they sit. By the POWER OF MONTAGE, several LRR CREWMEMBERS replace JER to explain their methods)

Jer: Alright, I start by noting with pile is highest, and then go for the pack at the bottom of that pile.

Alex: First, I note down the day of the week, and write it down numerically.

Kathleen: I like to take four or five packs, and just fan them out on the table.

Jer: All those Mythics sink to the bottom, you know.

Kathleen: See which one... speaks to you.

Alex: THEN, I take into account the previous week's winning lottery numbers.

Kathleen: (Holding her hand over the boosters) Which one of you has Gideon? Come on. Tell mama which one has Gideon.

Graham: OK, you need to start with a full box. It has to be full or this whole thing doesn't work.

Alex: Then you add all those integers to the serial number on the pack, get the square root of it, and if it's a prime number, you're in cash.

Matt: First, I get the guy behind the counter to pick two for me.

Graham: (Rooting through the box) It's one-two-three to the right, five down, then one back to the left, and three back up.

Kathleen: This one I think.

Matt: And then, I flip a coin.

James Turner: I just pick one.

Graham: It's just that easy.

James: But I do get Alex to diddle it. Just a little bit. (ALEX emerges from under the table, mimes diddling and kissing)

Jer: And then...

(Each open their packs. ALEX uses his teeth, MATT uses scissors, JAMES flexes the plastic, then slaps it. They fan out their new cards.)

(ALEX laughs with sadistic glee)

Kathleen: Aw.

Graham: (Pleased) Hey!

James: Huh.

Matt: Oo!

Jer: Well, it doesn't always work.

(The MONTAGE is finished. PAUL is speechless.)

INT. LOADINGREADYRUN MOONBASE

(GRAHAM, MATT, ALEX, and JER sit around the office table. PAUL enters with an entire box of boosters. He sits, placing it on the table.)

Alex: What the -

Graham: Is that...a whole box?

Paul: Well, I weighed all your various options for picking packs, and I realized that the simplest way to ensure that I get the best pack is just to buy the whole box.

Alex: Seems legit.

Graham: Yeah, that seems like a solid strategy. (MATT nods)

Paul: So! How do I play? I understand it involves mana in some way?

Jer: Paul, you can't just go jumping into a game unprepared. It's all a matter of etiquette. Here, Alex and I will have an exhibition game, and, uh, Graham and Matt, if you could provide color commentary?

Graham: Uh. Yeah.

Matt: Yeah.

Graham: Happy to.

(PAUL is concerned. Cut to GRAHAM and MATT at a makeshift commentary table, complete with headphones, mikes, and paper nameplates.

Graham: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to this, the first annual LoadingReadyRun Exhibition Match. I'm Graham Stark...

Matt: And I'm Matt Wiggins. We understand it's a fine sunny day outside, so perfect weather to stay indoors and play Magic.

Graham: Indeed, Matt. We see now the competitiors approaching the play area, or, the many names by which it's known: "pitch", "field", "thunderdome", or, most commonly, "table".

Matt: These players choose to start by casually nodding to one another, though I've known some to shake hands, bow, or perform a ritualistic tribal dance known as "the Haka".

Graham: For the last time, Matt, that was a New Zealand rugby game, not Magic: the Gathering.

Matt: I'm not sure what it was, but it certainly was stirring. (GRAHAM facepalms) You see now the players begin shuffling their decks.

Graham: And...shuffling their decks.

Matt: Boy, are they ever shuffling their decks.

Graham: Ah, now the players present their decks to one another for cutting. Alex cuts Jer's deck...

Matt: Jer has decided to...shuffle Alex's deck even more.

Graham: Seeing this, Alex is now laboriously cutting Jer's deck into progressively smaller piles.

Matt: Jer responds by, now, pile shuffling Alex's deck.

Graham: I think what we can all take away from this is to maybe not learn how to play Magic from people who think they're at a pro tour.

(JER and ALEX look at GRAHAM. He shrugs defensively. MATT glances with silent agreement.)

Matt: And now on to who goes first. This is commonly decided by rolling a D20.

Graham: You could also roll two D6s...

Matt: ...or three D6 plus one D8 for poison damage, if you've been playing a little too much D&D.

Graham: And the winner goes first.

Paul: (Pointing to a rulebook) Uh, they get to choose.

Matt: What? (GRAHAM takes off his headphones)

Paul: They get to choose who goes first. Sorry, you guys were so useless that I just decided to read the rules myself. It's a lot easier than I thought it would be. Thanks, though. (GRAHAM and MATT look at each other)

Jer: But...the etiquette!

Paul: Most of those sound like house rules anyway. Again, appreciate the help. (Stands to leave)

Jer: Can I help you organize all the cards you opened?

Paul: Collector number follows color, then alphabetical. I'm all over it.

Jer: Can I at least explain the stack to you?

Paul: Last in, first out. I do programming, you know.

Jer: But Paul! Stuuuff! (Follows PAUL down the stairs)

Graham: Huh. Hey Alex, whatever happened to that Phyrexian Juggernaut?

Alex: Uh, he wasn't really working out in my deck, so I swapped him for another Batterskull.

Graham: Oh. Okay. But he's...he's doing okay, right? Like, he's...he's happy?

Matt: Uh. Yeah. (Touching GRAHAM's shoulder) Alex just sent him to live with a nice, other deck. Upstate.

Graham: Oh. Okay.

Alex: (Whispering) I actually traded him for a full bleed Zendikar forest.

Matt: Seems dece.

{CLOSING TITLES}