Witness Me! Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Witness Me!

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are all "anime genres". I am "cyberpunk dystopia". {LEANS TO HER RIGHT TO TALK TO IAN, WHO LEANS TOWARDS HER} Wait a second...Ian, is that still a popular genre of anime?

Ian: Not at the moment but it was back when "Ghost In the Shell" was on.

Kathleen: Yeah! Bring back "Ghost In the Shell"! Uh, joining me this week is...{TO IAN} wait, what's Serge again?

Ian: I don't know.

Serge: I'm "shonen"! I'm a young boy and I'm TRYING to get to nationals!

Kathleen: {STILL LEANED IN WITH IAN} And what are you, Ian?

Ian: "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure".

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN} Son of a biiiiitch!

Kathleen: That's not an anime genre!

Ian: It's a way of life!

{KATHLEEN SIGHS}

{TITLE: YOU WERE EXPECTING FEED DUMP, BUT IT WAS I, DIO!}

Kathleen: Speaking of "ways of life", this week's Feed Dump stories are all about personal heroes! That's right! These are all people that have gone above and beyond to really make a mark and get on Feed Dump! Such as our first story, which is about a Sacramento man who broke into a restaurant so he could douse himself in powdered sugar.

Serge: That guy was probably really sad when he realized all that white powder wasn't cocaine.

Kathleen: Counterpoint: if you're breaking into a restaurant and your first reaction is, "Gonna cover myself in sugar gonna cover myself in sugar yeah gonna take a beer staple some take-out containers and cover myself in sugar", maybe you don't NEED more cocaine.

Ian: Or you had too many of the "bad" mushrooms and now you think you're a doughnut.

Kathleen: {SINGING} If I just cover myself in sugar, no on will see that I'm ugly on the outside...{STARTS CRYING WHILE SINGING}...but I'm beautiful on the inside! I'm so sweet...

Serge: This really begs the question of is this a CRAZY person or just a disgruntled ex-employee? Because I've worked in some crummy places in customer service and I'm not saying I'd cover myself in sugar but I've come close.

Ian: I wonder if this guy worked for the Candyland of Immortan Joe?

Serge: {AS IMMORTAN JOE} Witness me so sugary and sweet! WITNESS!!

{SERGE THEN SPRAYS HIS MOUTH AND TEETH WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE SILVER SPRAY PAINT, GROANING AS HE DOES. AFTER HE FINISHES, HE TOOTHILY SMILES AT THE CAMERA...AND COUGHS AT THE FUMES. A TEST PATTERN POPS UP FOR A SECOND, FOLLOWED BY THE CHANNEL TWO "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SLATE}

Kathleen: Wow, Serge, you look like you should be in a "glam band".

Ian: Yeah, you look less like a "war boy" and more like the "nice Terminator".

Serge: {STILL WITH SILVER LIPS FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW} Come with me if you'd...like some help.

Kathleen: Well, we've been filming Feed Dump for {CHECKS TIME ON iPHONE} ten minutes and it's already flown completely off the rails, so that's exciting. But I hope neither of you gets any ideas about copying this NEXT story because this is another personal hero of mine. It's a Russian woman who suntans out her window every day from 11 am to 1 pm. She's completely naked and hangs her ass and legs out the windows.

Ian: Given the time frame, I think she just wants a..."light" lunch.

Serge: I remember about a year ago doing a Feed Dump story about a man who would just open his door to the community and just, like, let his wang hang out. But THAT was inside his own private property. Where does private property extend when you just stick your bum out the window?

Kathleen: Hmm, right. Like, if you've got, like, a ludicrous pair of stilts and you were, like, standing, like, on your roof but you were 28 feet above it, would you still be on private property if your shlong was hanging out? Like, where do the land rights end in Russia? How shitty can you get to your neighbors?

Ian: Doesn't Russia have a rich history of Communism to draw on here, though? I mean, "from each, booty according to their ability...to each, booty according to their needs"

Kathleen: The "need" being, in this case, to not have tan lines on your ass.

Serge: I was gonna make another butt joke, but I am so sparkly right now it's really distracting. {SPITS OUT A SMALL PAINT CHIP}

Kathleen: Our last tale of personal heroism this week goes to a German man who wrote his own obituary to ensure that his five siblings and her families were not invited to his own funeral. {READS FROM iPHONE} "The deceased described himself as 'open, honest and unforgiving'."

Ian: This is a man who clearly plans ahead.

Serge: {AS GERMAN MAN} To my brother, Sven, I leave NOTHING! To my sister Margaret, I leave NOTHING!! You know what you did!

Kathleen: The pathos of that line delivery, somewhat undercut by the fact that a puff of silver paint came off your face the first time you said "NOTHING!"

Serge: "Even money" that this guy was an accountant.

Ian: Like all things, I'm sure there's a German word that describes the joy in death. Like,..."strubennugen".

Serge: Or, maybe, there should just be a German word for "being shitty from beyond the grave"...like, "sheisendeden".

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE} According to Google Translate, uh, the German for "managing to be a jerk after you die" is {WORDS SHOW UP ON BOTTOM AS KATHLEEN SPEAKS} "Verwaltung einen, Ruck zu sein nachdem sie sterben". {WORDS ON BOTTOM ADDS A QUESTION MARK} And, the Canadian for "Wow, I just mispronounced German" is that.

Serge: This guy...kinda sounds like a dick. Did anyone even...GO to his funeral?

Ian: I would...just to shake his hand...which, coincidentally, was scheduled from 10:05 to 10:07 during the wake.

Kathleen: Like his life, this Feed Dump must come to an end. But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't make Serge have to wash sugar off his face...and they don't have...{PUTS ON BLACK BASEBALL CAP WITH AN ILLUSTRATION FROM "JOJO'S BIZARRE ADVENTURE" ON THE FRONT}...THIS hat...which was given to us and is a "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure" hat. {LEANS TO HER RIGHT TO TALK TO IAN, WHO LEANS TOWARDS HER} Wait, it IS a "Jojo's Bizarre Adventure" hat, right, Ian?

Ian: Yes.

Serge: {OFF-SCREEN} Son of a biiiiitch!

Kathleen: So, like,...am I a weeb...I already WAS a weeb...am I a "double weeb" now?!

Ian: You're gonna be the Stand. I'll tell you later.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, WITH SERGE GIVEN THE NICKNAME "WAR BOY"}

Ian: Good death planning isn't relegated to Germany. YOU should plan for your OWN death today with your own "living will". Leave your family NOTHING! Excommunicate ALL of your relatives! Don't have any pets? FIND a pet and leave everything to Pussy!

Kathleen: People have complained and she's like, {SINGING} "I de-gaff what you think/My butt is so tanned/Yeah, yeah!" {STOPS SINGING} I mean, presumably, she does that in Russian but, like...{SHOWS iPHONE PIC TO SERGE} Look, her butt's out the window.