We Salute You Transcript

From LoadingReadyWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Transcript for Feed Dump- We Salute You

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where PAX is coming up next week and that means, THIS week, we are all "PAX-related illnesses". I'm "Line thrush". Joining me this week is "Purell overdose"...

Kate: I bled out because my hands cracked SO badly.

Kathleen: ...and "Dying in the Subway line".

Cameron: I suppose it's better than the alternative of eating so much Subway you actually just shit a fully-reconstituted foot-long meatball sub.

{TITLE: HOLD THE SAUCE ON THAT ONE}

Kathleen: Police in Springfield, Oregon arrested a 43-year-old woman after she tried to buy $2200 worth of gift cards with a bad check. When her check bounced, she got real mad and then drove her truck into the store and then up one aisle and down the other and back out of the store.

Cameron: Well, obviously, she'd have to drive out again. She couldn't just park her car there; she'd get a ticket.

Kate: You've already driven into the store. There's no point in backing out like a coward. Fully commit to that illegal U-turn.

Cameron: This is, honestly, kind of depressing. The best scheme she could come up with was to try to launder $2000 worth of grocery gift cards? And then, when it didn't pan out, she tried to take the place out by driving through it? Did she think she was in "Heat"?

Kathleen: What do ya mean, "in heat"? Like, hearing the fertile cry of your gonads and being, like, "Yeah, I wanna shit some kittens out! Come to me, night cats!"

Cameron: {CONCERNED} N-n-no-o.

Kate: {HOLDING iPHONE} In case you're unaware of what "Heat" is, here's a brief plot summary: {READS} "When Al Pacino and Robert De Niro square off, 'Heat' sizzles. Tale of a brilliant L.A. cop following the trail of a deadly armed robbery to a crew headed by an equally-brilliant master thief. Val Kilmer, Jon Voight, Tom Sizemore, Ashley Judd and Natalie Portman co-star."

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC SHOWS, FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: I feel a little bad for this woman because, extensively, this is decent plan if you're into fraud. You buy a bunch of gift cards, you don't actually pay for them and then you sell them at half-cash value so she gets maybe a thousand bucks out of it. A perfect crime.

Cameron: {TO KATHLEEN} Yeah, except for the part where you pay for it with a check with your name and address on it and then, in a tantrum, drive through the store!

Kathleen: Yes, yes. I will admit there was some trouble "sticking the dismount" for this particular scam. But I would still say, on a Feed Dump scale of "1" to "What Were You Thinking?!", this woman is definitely on the better end of scams that we've seen.

Cameron: Well, I suppose she didn't die with her pants full of turtles. So, yeah, this is actually fairly sane by our standards.

{KATE STARTS CRACKING UP; BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: A New York City woman tried to sell a bunch of live crickets and worms on a subway car. But, because that sounds crazy, it turns out she was...a little unhinged. And then some teenagers pushed her and then she went REALLY "bat-shit" and then dumped the crickets and worms all over the subway car. And then someone pulled the "emergency stop" and then the car got stuck on a Manhattan bridge for a half-an-hour and all the worms and crickets got out. And then she tried to pee on the floor!

Kate: Kay, Kathleen, we've been over this...it was one bad day...um, you didn't have to bring it up on Feed Dump. Um, it's really...uncomfortable. And, look, the crickets thing, they got loose and then I stress-peed. So I don't think that's really MY fault.

Cameron: Y'know, credit where credit is due, this is some grade-A havoc. Normally, we just report on morons...pitching a fit and driving through a grocery store. But, this...this woman turned the inside of a subway car into a Bosch painting! We salute you. {SALUTES}

Kathleen: An easyJet flight from London to Belfast was delayed for an hour because two crew-members got into a shouting match.

So, lest you think this was some sort of minor disagreement that happened pre-boarding, what happened was everybody sat down in their seats and buckled up and the plane was pulling away. But then they heard the audible strains of two cabin crew-members yelling at one another about how the water bottles had been unwrapped. And, uh, this continued for so long that the captain had to turn the plane around and get rid of the crew members. It ended up landing about 90 minutes behind schedule.

Kate: Wow! I didn't think pilots actually had to deploy the "If you don't get your shit together, I'm gonna turn this plane around and we're going home!"

Cameron: Again, I really gotta hand it to these people. The most damage I'VE ever caused with a shouting match is long-term emotional scarring. These people caused massive financial damage, which is WAY more important!

Kate: All right, new "bucket list" item: I wanna bitch someone out SO bad that I crash an entire stock market!

Kathleen: I mean, the nice thing is that easyJet has offered some platitudes and...

{HERE, CAMERON AND KATE START TO ARGUE ACROSS THE SET OFF-SCREEN, WHICH CONTINUES UP TO THE CREDITS; KATHLEEN LOOKS BACK AND FORTH}

Kathleen: {YELLING ABOVE THE ARGUING, GETTING LOUDER ALL THE TIME} I appreciate that they are trying to do this for real! I apologize for any financial distress caused! And, remember, there may be better sources of news...BUT THEY DON'T HAVE...{DONS SKI CAP WITH CAT EARS ON TOP}...THIS HAT! IT'S FROM {READS FROM LETTER} JIMMY AND JORDAN IN RICHMOND! OKAY, BYE!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cameron: I'm just gonna go cut off my nipples, just in case, right now.

{KATE LAUGHS}