Uber for Lawnmowers Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Uber for Lawnmowers

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, in breaking news, we just found out that out friend Matt voluntarily bought "Batman v. Superman" on Blu-Ray. To celebrate this monumentous occasion, we are all "poor choices that Matt has made when purchasing media". I am the aforementioned {"BATMAN V. SUPERMAN" BLU-RAY BOX IS SUPER-IMPOSED OVER KATHLEEN'S HEAD} "'Batman v. Superman' Blu-Ray". Joining me this week is "'Green Lantern' on Blu-Ray"...

Ian: {"GREEN LANTERN" BLU-RAY BOX SUPER-IMPOSED OVER HIS FACE} I'm responsible for sucking all the fun out of a "DC Cinematic Murderverse".

Kathleen: {WITHOUT BOX OVER HER FACE} ...and "every single 'Transformers' movie after the first on Blu-Ray; the first one was on HD-DVD".

Beej: {"TRANSFORMERS 4-PACK" BLU-RAY BOX SUPER-IMPOSED OVER HIS FACE} I guess Matt picks his video formats the same way he picks his "Pokemon GO" teams. {BOX IS REMOVED} Good luck with Team Instinct, Matt.

{WIDE SHOT OF ALL THREE}

All: {RAISING THEIR ARMS IN THE AIR} GO TEAM MYSTIC!

{TITLE: TEAM VALOR CAN SUCK IT. INSTINCT, YOU TRIED.}

Kathleen: Police in Manchester, New Hampshire are trying a new tactic to round-up wanted criminals: they have posted a Facebook post saying that they had found a "rare Charizard" in the booking area and they were hoping some of these wanted criminals could come down and see if they were lucky enough to catch it. So far, no one has fallen for this.

Beej: That's fine. Just arrest the first person who comes in to catch it. After all, you did put the notice on the Facebook that only criminals use, right?

Ian: And why would you go somewhere to just CATCH a Charizard. It's easy to just level one up and evolve it INTO a...{REALIZING}...oh, I understand now. The work.

Beej: This seems over-complicated. Why don't they just trigger a lure for criminals?

Ian: Oh! And if the Sergeant pops an Incense then he'll level-up to Detective!

Beej: And then you don't have to use your lucky Egg!

Ian: Wait, maybe we're looking at this from the wrong angle. What if the police are trying to catch all the criminals? What happens if I send a "Criminal" to the Professor? How many Criminal Candies do I get?

Beej: I mean, at SOME point, the Criminal's gotta evolve into, like, an Investment Banker. Or a Gym Teacher.

{SHOT OF "WHO'S THAT POKEMON?" FROM THE ANIME. THE CHILDREN SHOUT "WHO'S THAT POKEMON"...AND THE SHADOW TO THE LEFT CHANGES TO AN IMAGE OF SEPP BLATTER. BRIEF TEST PATTERN FOLLOWS}

Kathleen: Police in Joplin, Missouri arrested a middle-aged couple after they were found naked on a stolen riding mower.

Ian: Well, you know what they say: if there's grass, you gotta mow it.

Beej: I am THRILLED to finally see "Bang Bus" branching out.

Ian: Grass trimmings and ass rimmings!

Kathleen: The 55-year-old man and 40-yead-old woman admitted that they stole the riding mower because someone has stolen their clothes while they were skinny dipping and it was the only way they could get home.

Beej: It seems a little extreme. Just 'cause someone stole your clothes, you gonna steal someone's lawn mower? Why not just call Uber for a lawn mower? {SMILING} I got a great idea!

Ian: Or have her sit on the front. Then you can work for Lyft.

{BEEJ STARTS LAUGHING LOUDLY OFF-SCREEN AT THE SUBTLE JOKE}

Beej: All in all, I'm sure this whole harrowing experience has taught them a very important lesson: don't go skinny dipping without wearing clothes.

Kathleen: A 91-year-old German woman is in trouble with the law after she took a piece of avant-garde art from the 1960s a little too seriously. It featured a crossword and it said "Insert Words Here" so she started filling it in with a black ballpoint pen.

Beej: Did she have any clues?! Or did she just start filling in random words that fit like how I do crossword puzzles because who gives a shit?

Ian: What's a 13-letter word for "Nonagenarian vandal"?

Beej: 13 letters? "Accourdionist"!

Kathleen: {TO BEEJ} Wha...that doesn't fit the clue at ALL, Beej!

Beej: I know! And I don't care!

Kathleen: What's a four-letter word for "Jerk"?!

Ian: This lady's living life like a mother-fuckin' samurai! I'd use a PENCIL to crossword; she's gone straight to the black pen!

Kathleen: {TO IAN} Dude, she's 91! She does not have time to waste on doing it in pencil and then going back over in pen! She could die at ANY SECOND! If you don't seize the day at that age, you will die with a half-empty crossword and a full Depends!

Ian: Wa-a-a-ait a minute...91-year-old German lady...thinks she owns all the art...has anyone seen Queen Elizabeth recently?!

{SHOT OF "WHO'S THAT POKEMON?" FROM THE ANIME. THE CHILDREN SHOUT "WHO'S THAT POKEMON"...AND THE SHADOW TO THE LEFT CHANGES TO AN IMAGE OF ELIZABETH II}

Kathleen: I don't have that many old relatives so I don't feel bad making fun of old people. Maybe if YOU'RE old and watching this, maybe you could send me an angry note to "getoffmylawn@feeddump.com"...{BREAKS DOWN LAUGHING WITH IAN AND BEEJ FOLLOWED BY BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Ah, but, until then, I will look forward to reading your angry hate mail...and I will look forward to wearing {DONS RED-CHECKERBOARD CURLING HAT} THIS hat...which is a real curling hat and was sent to us by Nathan in Quebec. Uh, "hurry hard, etc., etc.". Sports.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, WITH BEEJ GIVEN THE NICKNAME "JERK"}

Ian: Now I know I shouldn't be asking this question but I'm pretty sure Occupational Health and Safety requires EYE protection when operating a mower.