Two-Foot Earspan Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Two-Foot Earspan
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where you can have it your way, wherein your way is actually our way. I'm Graham, a disenfranchised youth, joining me this week is Kathleen, a franchised youth
Kathleen: Locations opening soon in your area! Call for opportunities!
Graham: And Matt, a corporate youth.
Matt: Toe the line...
Graham: And the three of us are gonna go on a cruise.
{TITLE: WE'RE GOING ON A CRUISE/NEWS}
Graham: The authorities in Ogden, Utah are considering pressing charges against a man who was found butchering a cow in his driveway, 'cause, yeah, that's the place for that.
{SHOT OF MATT AND KATHLEEN WEARING POLICE OFFICER HATS}
Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Should we press charges?
Matt: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} ...I dunno. I'm considering it.
Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Me too, but...?
Matt: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} ..Rock paper scissors!
Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Right!
Matt: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Kay.
Both: One, two, three! {BOTH THROW ROCK}
Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Never abandon rock!
Matt: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Good old rock! Nothin' beats rock!
Graham: Now the neighbour says he heard a gunshot, but the guy with the cow says he's certain that he didn't shoot the cow and it was actually delivered dead. If we're gonna believe him, who delivers dead cows to a residential address?
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} Knock knock knock!
{PAN TO MATT}
Matt: Who's there?
{PAN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} It's the dead cowman! {MUGS}
Graham: I do fondly remember my mother telling me stories of when she was a wee girl in England and the dead cowman would come 'round every fortnight... with... with his dead cows. Apparently you could smell him coming.
Kathleen: {WEARING TOP HAT} When you want the milkman to give you more milk, you leave out empty milk bottles. When you want me to bring you more dead cows, all you have to do is leave a pile of gristle, bone, and ash!
Matt: ...listen guys, I think we're beating a dead cow here.
{PAN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT} Hey, hey, hey! I'm still thinking about it. Maybe charges...
Graham: The bomb squad was called in to a Taiwanese police station, only to discover that the suspicious package they thought might be a bomb was actually just a box of mooncakes. {WHISPERING} I don't know what a mooncake is.
Matt: {READING FROM IPHONE} Wikipedia says that a mooncake is a traditional Chinese bakery product traditionally eaten during the mid autumn festival. The festival is for lunar worship and moon watching. Mooncakes are regarded as an indispensable delicacy on this occasion.
Graham: Lunar worship sounds very... druidic, but, alright, fine. It's the moon-watching I'm having trouble wrapping my head around.
Graham: {WEARING A SAFARI HAT, LOOKING UP THROUGH BINOCULARS} {LOOKS TO THE SIDE}...yep. Still a moon. {LOOKS THROUGH BINOCULARS AGAIN} {SIGHS}
{WITHOUT HAT} Wikileaks releases a variety of things, some of it pretty hilarious. Like in this case. A senior Indian politician, when she needed a replacement pair of sandals, sent an empty jet to Mumbai to pick up her preferred brand.
Kathleen: This is just one of the ways that we here in the Western world are falling behind the rising nations of China and India. Now they're schooling us at corruption! Come on, guys, it was the last thing we had that we were good at!!!
Alright, look guys, we've got Bank of America CEO, Warren Buffet, and some Apple guys over there STAT. If we can regain the ability of the American people to take their filthy rich and rub their privilege in the faces of the poor, we too can be an amazing country again. It doesn't even matter that I'm not American! But I believe you guys can do it!
Graham: This happened while claiming to be a champion for India's poorest and most deprived people. She also build a private road from her residence to her office which gets cleaned immediately after her convoy goes by.
Matt: This is clearly part of her job creation platform. I mean, she created jobs for at least two pilots and... water tube guys, to sweep the streets?
Graham: I'm beginning to lose faith in the Guinness Book of World Records, not because I don't think they're accurate, but because I don't think anyone really needs to know who holds the record for longest ears on a living dog. A black and tan coonhound from Boulder, Colorado has an over two foot earspan.
Matt: {HOLDING IPAD} Dawww! Look at the puppy-wuppy! He's so cute!
Kathleen: ONE person wants to know about which living dog has the longest ears. ONE! Thank you, Guinness.
Matt: {HOLDING IPAD} {COOING} What a pretty puppy! Aww he's so sweet!
Kathleen: Who do you think holds the, uh, Guinness Record for longest ears on a non-living dog?
Matt: {HOLDING IPAD} {COOING} He's so cute! {HOLDS IPAD UP TO CAMERA, REVEALING ADMITTEDLY CUTE PICTURE OF DOG WITH EARS HELD UP} Look at them!
Kathleen: I'm gonna say there's probably a dead dog out there with longer ears.
Graham: Are you a fan of vampires or think you are one? Do you like Alaskan Cruises? Then you'll love the cruise that I'm not making up the name of: Vamps at Sea.
Kathleen: Aah, the open sea. The natural habitat of the vampire!
Matt: {WEARING SAILOR HAT AND BLACK CAPE WITH COLLAR} {IN WEIRD TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT} AVAST! There be were porpoises off the port bow! {HOLDS CAPE UP DRAMATICALLY OVER FACE} {POPPING NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND} {MATT HISSES}
Graham: {SINGING, TO THE TUNE OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND THEME} Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale of some really silly news! That started from the state of Alaska aboard a Princess Cruise! The mate was a mighty vampire-man, the skipper was one too. And five vampires set sail that day for a five day tour. A five day tour.
Whu-were that a full song, I would like the, the roll call portion to just be {SINGING AGAIN} "with a vampire! A vampire too! Another vampire! And his wife, who's also a vampire! Yet another vampire! And then two more vampires who don't get full credit! Here on a vampire cruise!" {MATT, OFF CAMERA: They do in one version of the song!}
Matt: So the real question is, do the state rooms come equipped with King sized coffins?
{PAN TO KATHLEEN}
Kathleen: The answer is no because vampires aren't real!
Graham: Well, we hoped you enjoyed having it our way, but that's it for Feed Dump this week. Remember, until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON STRANGE YELLOW CREATURE WITH GREEN BOBBLE} this hat! Pchooooo!~
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: Fuck vamps at sea! I wanna see vamps on ice! {HISSES, BARES FANGS, SLIDES OFF SCREEN MAJESTICALLY, AS IF ON ICE}
