The Tombstone That Spite Built Transcript

From LoadingReadyWiki
Jump to: navigation, search

Transcript for Feed Dump- The Tombstone That Spite Built

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where it's spring! And that means spring cleaning! And, therefore, we are "things that you find when you clean your house out". I'm, of course, "a pile of old love letters from an ex-boyfriend who you now know to be a complete shitbag...then you gleefully burn them". Joining me this week is "silverfish"...

Tally: {DISGUSTED} Uuuuck! So many silverfish! They're every...where...Ooo-hoo! {PICKS UP A LIGHTER AND FLICKS IT; SMILING}...they're gonna be gone!

Kathleen: ...and "clothes that fit...once upon a time".

Ash: {DOWNTRODDEN} I used to be a size six...how could I let this happen?!?

{TITLE: CLEANING REVEALS HARD TRUTH}

Kathleen: A man from Scranton, Pennsylvania truly learned that his mother-in-law could hate him from beyond the grave when her tombstone, that he was decorating for Easter, suddenly toppled over and crushed him to death.

Ash: Hang on. Something actually HAPPENED in Scranton? That's not just, like, a mythical place from "The Office"? {"THE OFFICE" THEME STARTS TO PLAY} This guy didn't work at a paper company by any chance, did he?

Tally: No, nonononononono. {LOOKS AROUND "MOONBASE"} There's a LOT of stuff around here that can crush us to death! Y-...kill that music, not me! Kill the music. {SFX OF GUNSHOT, ENDING MUSIC}

Kathleen: Ugh, you guys never let me have any fun! Also, who decorates a tombstone for Easter?!

Tally: Wait a minute! He was decorating for Easter?! So this guy is just being, like, "take advantage of the season of people coming back from the dead" or something to get his mother-in-law back.

Ash: I really hope her last words were something to the effect of, "You'll marry my daughter over my dead body!" {BREAKS DOWN IN LAUGHS} Sorry...

{CHANNEL TWO's "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" SCREEN SHOWS FOR A SECOND}

Tally: This is a helpful reminder that it's just not a good idea to have your Easter egg hunts in a graveyard.

Ash: Could we also talk about how much this guy must've HATED his mother-in-law to get a tombstone that would just fall over?! Like, what was it MADE of? Rocks and paper-mache?!

Tally: {MATTER-OF-FACTLY} Spite.

Ash: Ah, spite. The frailest of all foundations and building materials.

Kathleen: Eyebrows are being raised (but body temperatures are probably being lowered) by a Montreal night nudist who has been jogging through North End parks wearing nothing but athletic shoes and a pair of socks this spring. It was about -10 degrees Celsius. {WORDS BELOW KATHLEEN: "(14 F)"}

Tally: It's not like he's really flaunting much of anything because, at that temperatures, don't thinks sort of, like,...shrivel up? Get tiny?

Ash: {TO TALLY} I believe the term you're looking for is "turtling". {SHOWS HANDS, ONE PUSHING INTO THE OTHER CUPPED ONE; TALLY STARTS TO LAUGH} Turtling. {BOTH GIRLS BREAK}

Turtling? {SHOWS FINGER "TURTLING" INTO OTHER HAND} Turtling.

Tally: {CALMING DOWN} OK, look, when even your "personal bits" are going,...{PULLS SWEATER JACKET OVER HER NOSE AND MOUTH}..."Nope!", you probably shouldn't be where you are! Listen to your parts! Listen to them.

Ash: Also, just,...why?! Like, on so many levels, why you do that? Why would you jog naked? Why would you do it in the middle of winter? Wh-wh-why would you, why would you, why would you?!?

Kathleen: Well, Ash,...now, viewers, if you're inclined to run, you might know this. But sometimes men get a problem where their nipples chafe against their shirts. And when it's cold out outside, y'know, you get the harp nips! Uh, and what I'm thinking is this guy took off his shirt to avoid the whole "nipple chaffing" situation. If you don't believe me that this exists, just Google "bloody nipples", by the way. It's pretty amazing. Oh, can I get a shot? {SHOT OF MALE RUNNER, BLOOD TRAILS RUNNING FROM NIPPLES DOWN HIS SHIRT} I can, 'cause I'm the editor. Look at that! Gross! {SHOT OF SIMILAR MALE} How about this? Eww! {AND ANOTHER} Amazing! {BACK TO KATHLEEN} And maybe he just kept going 'cause it felt so good! He's freeballin'.

Tally: {SMILING} If your nipples are sore because they're chaffing against your shirt, we HAVE solutions for that. {ANGRY AND SERIOUS} They're called BRAS! Women have been putting up with them forever!! Try one!!

Ash: Or tape!

Tally: Masking tape, duck tape, Scotch tape, Washy tape, Band-Aids...

Ash: I'd like to think that somebody actually DID bring up these solutions to him but, by the time they did, he was, like, "No! It's already off! It's back there somewhere! Goin' for it!"

Kathleen: There is a new goddamn national hero...{"AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" STARTS TO PLAY}...and he lives in Chicago, Illinois and he has done what us mere mortals can only dream of doing. Someone towed his Jeep so he did what we all WANT to. He seized the initiative! He got in his Jeep and drove it off the tow truck and got away. {MUSIC STOPS}

Tally: "What are you gonna use four-wheel drive for in the city," they said.

Ash: This story is fantastic for two reasons. Number one: this guy actually had the balls to try that. Number two: this is the only tow truck company in the world that doesn't lock the tires of the car they're towing.

Tally: When God is on your side, you can defeat anything. Even those tow truck locks. He's got Jesus and his truck! Hallelujah!!

Ash: {MATTER-OF-FACTLY} 'Merca.

Tally: Are we sure it was the original owner? Are we SURE that it wasn't just the tow truck's buddy...arranged to just drive that Jeep home?

Kathleen: Tally, how could you take something so beautiful like a untrained driver pulling a really dangerous stunt in the middle of the city streets and turn it into something ugly like car theft?! I mean, ASIDE from having a lot of common sense?

Ash: I'll bet that you can take all the details from this situation and make a really kick-ass country song.

{GENERIC COUNTRY MUSIC STARTS PLAYING IN BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: {IN COWBOY HAT, SINGING} Oh, you can't take my Jeep away, love, so/'cause, that's right, I'm in Chi-ca-go/Land of...freelance...justice...America! Yeah, country music! {PLAYS "AIR-BANJO"} Blangity-blangity-blang...

Tally: {IN SAME COWBOY HAT, SINGING} Oh, they tried to take away my truck/The one with the cab where Sue and I fucked/And I said, "No, you can't have her."/"That's my gal, we've been together forever!"/So I drove her off the back of that tow/And on to the highway, here I go!/'Merca!

Kathleen: {IN COWBOY HAT} Oo, oo, oo, I got a better one. All right, ready? {CLEARS THROAT THEN SINGS TO THE TUNE OF "ACHY BREAKY HEART"} Don't take my Jeep/My super-cool Jeep/'Cause I can't pay your lowly fines./And if you take my Jeep/My super-cool Jeep/I'll DRIVE IT OFF THE BACK OF YOUR MOTHER-FUCKIN' TOW TRUCK ANYWAY! 'MERCA! Uh, {PLAYS "AIR-BANJO"} blangity-blangity-blang?...

{MUSIC STOPS}

Ash: What I've actually learned from this is that it's actually REALLY DIFFICULT to make a kick-ass country song.

Kathleen: {IN COWBOY HAT} You know what, Ash? You are correct. {REMOVES HAT} I am not good at making up country tunes. But that's OK because there may be other, better sources for news but they don't have THAT hat...and they don't have THIS hat...{DONS PINK PRINCESS TIARA}...'cause I am a lovely princess...in ADDITION to being a best-selling country singer-songwriter. {PLAYS "AIR-BANJO"} Blangity-blangity-blang.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Ash: {MATTER-OF-FACTLY} 'Merca.