The Tale of the Exploding Egg Nog Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump - The Tale of the Exploding Egg Nog

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Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where this week we are comments received in a Twitch TV chat room on a twenty to thirty second delay. I am "what game are you playing?" Joining me this week is useless advice,

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} If only I'd gone left.

Graham: And a context-free "no".

Cam: {TAKES OFF GLASSES} What are you even talking about?!

Graham: And we've all just been timed out for six hundred seconds.

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Graham: The back third of a pharmaceutical plant was blown off, injuring two employees, after what exploded?

Cam: I'll go with a coffee pot, Graham.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Some badly mixed Viagra in a penis shaped mushroom cloud?

Cam: Someone's head after bumping an uncut rail of Dexedrine.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Someone else's head after {AIR-QUOTE} "being scanersed".

Cam: Anyone of the chem lab usual suspects... an urlinmire full of ether. An REF filled with a nitrate compound. Maybe a vac line full of oxygen. You know, the ush.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} It's always red phosphorous.

Cam: It's only occasionally red phosphorous.

Graham: I don't blame you for not getting this one correct, because in this case, it was in fact a vat of egg nog. {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER} {LAUGHS}

Cam: A vat.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Dude, I figured out the best way to get high on nutmeg.

Graham: Using the term "pharmaceutical company" may have felt like a red herring, but that's what they are. They {READS FROM IPHONE} "also do work on food and beverage products and they were mixing artificial egg nog flavorings to try out a new egg nog recipe", which presumably did not work.

Cam: You gotta be careful, nog shrapnel can kill.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Drink too much nog, and you too can have your rear half blow off.

Cam: Well, I have injured a couple of people, but then it was the front half. {SNAPS FINGERS, POINTS AT CAMERA}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Th-They'll never walk again.

Graham: The police from Winnipeg, Manitoba, are having to refund over twenty-five hundred speeding tickets because of an improper wording on the automated ticket.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Isn't this exactly how the movie Brazil starts?

Cam: Where were twenty-five hundred people speeding through a single construction zone?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} It's a big construction project. We'll have her done.

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} I am really glad you asked, because as it turns out, this two thousand, five hundred and seventy-four tickets were all from one mobile photo radar unit, at a single construction zone, between June 27th and July 1st. Four days!

Cam: Four days, ninety-six hours, for a little over twenty-five speeding tickets an hour, meaning one ticket every... little over two minutes.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I'm just imagining the photo radar with like smoke billowing out of it by day three.

Cam: I don't suppose this construction zone was on the highway out of Winnipeg.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Sick Winnipeg burn! Although seriously they probably need it, it's very cold out there.

Graham: Good news for Scrabble aficionados: in an update for the first time in over a decade, the official Scrabble dictionary is receiving five thousand new words, including a bunch which I'm sure you will hate.

{READING FROM IPHONE} Beatbox.

Chillax.

Frenemy.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} God dammit!

Graham: Selfie.

Bromance.

Joypad. {FROWNS}

Mixtape.

Mojito.

Funplex.

Alex: {OFFSCREEN} I'm sorry, what?

{WEARING BLACK CAP} Thank you, based Scrabble.

Cam: I for one am really looking forward to getting punched in the throat by my aunt at Christmastime for putting a B on the front of romance.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} The fuck is a "funplex"?

Cam: It's what happens when you suplex a clown. {ALEX AND GRAHAM BURST OUT LAUGHING OFFSCREEN}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {LAUGHING} Cam, you accidentally made a Homestuck reference.

Cam: ... {GRAHAM LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} If it's any consolation, it's the clown that was doing the suplexing.

Cam: Then that's just a regular suplex, Alex! It's only a funplex if it makes the honk noise.

Graham: {WEARING RAINBOW CLOWN WIG AND RED NOSE} I should go.

Cam: Yeah, why don't you go, clown?

Graham: Yet another word included in the new one is "hashtag", though no ruling yet on if you can just put hashtag in front of something else. So it's like, "Yeah, nice play, grandma. More like #SizzaG!"

Cam: I think #SizzaG might be worth around four hundred points if you played it in the right place.

Graham: Yet another one: qajaq. Q-A-J-A-Q, which is technically impossible to play without a blank tile.

Cam: Well, I'm glad that mixtape finally made it into the dictionary just in time for us to have to explain it to children in Guardians of the Galaxy.

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} Also, "jockdom". What is jockdom?

Cam: It is like the collective term for jocks, all jocks.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} To be one with the jock-o-sphere.

Cam: Alternatively, it is the other half to the jocksub.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That sounds like a weird frat.

Cam: You've never been in a frat, have you?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Just jock 'em out!

Graham: And with that... we go back into the great jock-o-sphere. {LOOKS BAFFLED} Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON RAINBOW-SPLATTERED STOLECO BLACK CAP} this hat, which I may have used before but I don't care 'cos it's awesome and another time, that time being the 80's, when everyone wore hats like this and clothing to match. Um... was actually kind of startling, I hope it doesn't come back.

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Cam: So was it the ether, the nitrated compounds or the liquid oxygen?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} What are they putting in this egg nog?!