The Tale of Matt Wiggins

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What happens at Desert Bus evidently gets fully realized a week later.

Vital Statistics

The Tale of Matt Wiggins.jpg

Date: November 28, 2011

Category: Music

Appearing: Ian Horner, Graham Stark, Jeremy Petter, Morgan vanHumbeck, Matt Wiggins, Paul Saunders, James Turner, Kathleen De Vere, Fugiman, Kroze, King Kool, Tally Heilke (uncredited), Tim Sevenhuysen (uncredited), Alex Steacy (uncredited)

Music: "Captain Jack Sparrow" by The Lonely Island

Writing: Jeremy Petter, Graham Stark

Mastering: Ian Horner, Kroze

Camera: Paul Saunders, Graham Stark

Boom: Andre van Slyke

Thanks To: LeeLee Scaldaferri and the Desert Bus chat

Editing: Graham Stark


A song about, none other, Matt Wiggins. And Desert Bus, I suppose.


[all parens are Ian unless noted]

Ian: Hey guys.
Graham: Oh, hey Ian.
Ian: So, I'm headed back to Edmonton tomorrow. Do you want to, uh, lay down that Desert Bus track?
Jer: Ah, yeah, but I'm not actually convinced it has enough memes in it yet.
Ian: Oh, don't worry. I've written this awesome hook which hits on all the most important in-jokes from this year's marathon.
Graham: Alright. Sweet.
Morgan: Let's do it.

Here we go
Ian Horner (Yeah!)
Together on the moon
It's a Desert Bus tune
The bus starts now

The bus starts now, baby, roll with us
Yeah, we're turning on the feed and we're rollin' up (Rollin' up!)
Blowin' up the totals, we ain't stoppin' now
Donations goin' higher and we don't know how (Come on!)

Chat gets excited when we jump into the frame
Find the balance, make a challenge, stay awake, and donate (Yeah-Yeah!)
Five hats on my head, socks on my hands
You either herp derp, get QWOP'd or get banned

This is the tale of crewman Matt Wiggins
Busser so dour, on the desert of strife (Graham: Wait, what?)
A vengeance-filled quest to the land of cinema
Deeply he screams, "Team Jacob for life!"

Yeah, that was kinda weird but we're back in the place
Cuttin' up the mid-range and droppin' down the bass (He's a PC!)
BidBot is ready, the doll's hella creepy
Yellin' "Boo-ray!" cuz we're gettin' kinda sleepy (Matt Wiggins!)

Everybody shut up cuz there's too much bussin' cross-talk
Move the couch back cuz now I gotta do a QWOP walk (Yeah-Yeah!)
Stop asking us about My Little Pony
If it makes you stop asking, I'll admit I'm— (Now back to the good part!)

From the day he arrived from the land of Nanaimo (Morgan: Uh...)
He quested to buy all the games that he could
He's the brony of the hour (Graham: Yup) Otaku in the highest (Jer: Oh god)
He's never crashed the Desert Bus and he never would (Graham: Yeah, neither have we)

Graham: Put your hands on your head and swing your hips, come on.
Ian: Matt Wiggins.
Graham: What?
Ian: Mutt Woggons.
Graham: No.
Jer: Breaking Dawn was actually worse than Eclipse.
Ian: Mocha Frap. [sic]
Jer: Nope.
Ian: Winter Ale.
Jer: Ian, none of these are really Desert Bus-related jokes.
Ian: Roger that, let me try it with another Matt.
Graham: Wait, no.

Life is a bassy dance floor, and his name is Mutt Wubbins (Graham: That's not...)
Wubby wub wub wub wubwub wub wub wubby wub wubby wub wub wub (Morgan: Who are you?)
Or maybe he's a grad student, beardless Timothy is his name (Graham: Different person.)
Or you can call him Ganon, filling everyone with shame (Graham: You know what? Fine.)

You guys getting coffee? Okay, I'll have a mocha.

This is the tale of Ganondorf Dragmire (This is the tale...)
Boss of the Dark World from atop a black horse
Once upon a time, a thief from Gerudo
Now he's a villain just waiting to get bussed

Jer: Okay, turns out Ian knows a disturbing number of things about Matt.
Ian: He completes me.
Graham: Well dong, everyone. Well dong.


  • This song is a parody of "Captain Jack Sparrow" by The Lonely Island with Graham, Morgan, Jer, and Ian taking the "roles" of Andy, Jorma, Akiva, and Michael Bolton, respectively.
  • This is the first Desert Bus themed weekly update that does not use any footage shot during Desert Bus.
  • The sketch of Matt as Ganondorf was drawn by LeeLee Scaldaferri during the marathon.
  • This is one of Ian's favorite sketches
Season Eight     Music

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