The Parable of the Tomato and the Salamander Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- The Parable of the Tomato and the Salamander

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where it's convention season so we are "food you find in airports". I am a "Mile High Club Sandwich". And joining me this week is a "Root Beer Flotation Device"...

Beej: Be sure to serve yourself before serving others.

Graham: ...and "YY CheeZ Sticks".

Ian: When exiting the plane, be sure not to "Rush".

Graham: That one bugs me. It's a Canadian airport; it should be "Zed".

{TITLE: ZED'S DEAD, BABY...ZED'S DEAD}

Graham: Here's some fun trivia: state symbols of Tennessee. The tomato is Tennessee's official fruit. The cave salamander is Tennessee's official amphibian....because why not? And the Barrett 50-cal sniper rifle is Tennessee's official rifle.

Beej: Ah, the Barrett 50-caliber sniper rifle. The far-off choice for shooting both tomatoes and cave salamanders.

Ian: Tennessee: number 36 in area, first in stopping power.

Beej: Tennessee's that really thin state, right? I applaud them for picking a firearm that can shoot from one border to the other.

Graham: As a reminder, the 27-to-1 senate decision means the Barrett 50-cal is merely the state RIFLE of Tennessee. You could still have a revolver, a pistol, semi-auto, fully-auto, incendiary...

Ian: Thank goodness. When you're picking state weapons, you don't want to narrow your SCOPE too much.

{GRAHAM'S HAND COMES INTO THE SHOT, MIDDLE FINGER RAISED AT IAN FOR THE PUN}

Beej: {STRETCHING SHIRT COLLAR} Also, I'm a little concerned about the one person who chose to vote "no" on this resolution?

Graham: {PULLING BACK HAND} Funny you mention it. Why do you THINK Democratic state senator Jeff Yarbro voted "no" on this resolution?

Beej: I couldn't begin to SUSPECT why the manufacturer of the "Yarbro .308" would have a problem with this.

Ian: Because guns that chamber rounds in metric are for Communists?

Beej: I imagine that when senator Jeff was chambering a round and acquiring his target, the wind took the bullet and hit the "no" target by accident.

Ian: Because, when you're in the minority party in politics, it's always best to keep your powder dry?

Graham: Uh, no, and it certainly wasn't because having a "state rifle" might be a little silly. It was because he felt it set a dangerous precedent for endorsing a private company, adding that the state senate would find it impossible - he alleged - to choose between Jack Daniels or George Dickle if they ever wanted to appoint a "state whiskey".

Ian: I don't know...if I'm gonna do shots while thinking about state's weapons, I'm gonna use buffalo tracer rounds.

Beej: The more important issue is: who in God's name is George Dickle? I don't know anything about guns or booze.

Graham: In the end, 27-to-1 was quite a landslide. But, LAST year, Tennessee lawmakers were VERY divided on whether or not the Bible should be made Tennessee's "state book", some arguing that it was "integral to the history of the state" and others were arguing that it was "too sacred" to be set aside the tomato and the cave salamander.

Beej: Actually, "The Tomato and the Cave Salamander" is one of my favorite parables. I think it was one of those VeggieTales things.

Ian: And a more relevant book for this day and age, featuring a Christian as a main character, is probably "50 Shades of Grey"

Graham: By definition, Jesus wasn't a Christian.

Ian: Well, he wasn't the "dom", either. "Turn the other cheek" and all that.

Beej: If nothing else, the book that comes to mind when I think of Tennessee is a romance novel...heavily featuring NASCAR and a "skullet".

Graham: Meanwhile, in Minnesota, state officials have seized and apologized for even ISSUING a vanity license plate that says "FMUSLMS".

Beej: Just a BIG misunderstanding. The owner of the car owns a gym and he wanted to advertise "Fun Slims" and then there was a spelling error and everyone got upset.

Ian: Minnesota: twelfth in area, first...Amendment does not apply here!

Graham: Apparently, when you apply for a vanity license plate, you can give them options, depending on what available. And the three options that this driver submitted were...{SAMPLE PLATES ARE SHOWN OF ALL THREE} "FMUSLMS", "8SLUGTHG" and "PETALOL" claiming that all three were bands of which he is a member.

Ian: Straight up, "8SLUGTHG" would be a GREAT name for a "Doug and the Slugs" rap cover band.

Beej: Similarly, "PETALOL" would be a GREAT name for a Gwar-esque novelty act where the band hurls ground chuck at the audience.

Ian: No, no, Beej. You gotta actually just carve it off of a rotating spit into flatbread and just hand it to them...hilariously somehow.

Beej: Hang on. We don't know what the "F" stands for in "FMUSLMS". I mean, it could stand for "Fun Muslims", "Friend Muslims", "Facebook Muslims". I mean, I'll give the potential bigot any benefit of the doubt.

Ian: He could also just be a really big "Star Trek" fan. "Federation Muslims", "Flagship Muslims", "Ferengi Muslims"...

Beej: Does Quark keep halal?!

Graham: As I said, the state took the license plate back and apologized that it was ever issued. The article also mentions some OTHER vanity license plates in the U.S. that were denied last year, such as "ILVTOFU", "GAY" and "TOILET".

Beej: Those are some weird names for bands.

Ian: Also, three things you never see in "Star Trek".

Graham: Salisbury Cathedral has relocated a sculpture entitled "The Kiss" after, according to the artist, people kept hitting their heads on it because they were walking and texting.

Beej: Kids today are not going to tear their eyes away from texting just for something as tame as "The Kiss". The church needs to go a little racier. Maybe something like "The Second Base" or "The Rim".

Ian: Hold on, Beej. They didn't say where that kiss WAS.

Beej: It was clearly low enough to get in everyone's way. That's why they MOVED it.

Ian: Maybe, instead of moving the statue, the church should've re-carved it to be something the kids would recognize. Like Beyonce or SpongeBob.

Graham: That...would be challenging because the statue is a pair of clasped hands {SHOT OF "THE KISS"} forming sort of an archway over a path.

Ian: I know priests are supposed to be celibate, but I'd HOPE that they'd know what a KISS is.

Beej: A surprising number of them do.

Ian: I may need to go and clarify some things about my last confession then. {STARTS TO LEAVE}

Beej: You're not even an "orig" Catholic. {TO SCREEN} Also, holding hands is one of the most obscene things you can do in most of the manga I read.

Graham: {TO BEEJ} I do not wish to know that, sir; kindly leave the stage. {TO CAMERA} Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have...{DONS A DARK, PUFFY CAP}...THIS hat, which, um,...I thought would be sort of like a...a flat cap until I put it on, but it's way puffier than that. So it makes me look sorta like a tweed train conductor. No, a conductor OF a tweed TRAIN...which sounds...structurally unsound...but warm. {PRETENDS TO PULL ON TRAIN WHISTLE CORD} Choo-choo.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF IAN AFTER THE PUN BEFORE, THIS TIME WITH BOTH OF GRAHAM'S HAND GIVING "MIDDLE FINGERS" TO HIM FOR THE PUN}