The Other, Other Ghostbusters Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- The Other, Other Ghostbusters

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "Rio 2016 demonstration sports". I am "Arrhythmic Gymnastics". That's where you just get on to the floor mat and twitch. Joining me is "Female Sumo Wrestling"...

Beej: Ne kanujo! Come at me!

Kathleen: ...and "Counter-Strike GO".

Ian: Once they found out people were betting on it, it seemed like a natural fit. {THUMBS UP} Thanks, IOC!

{TITLE: TOPICAL HUMOR!}

Kathleen: It's time to play a guessing game! A Florida man was arrested for possession of meth-amphetamines but, upon further testing, the police determined that he was NOT, in fact, in possession of any drugs. What substance WAS he in possession of?

Ian: Cocaine. No, SUPER-cocaine! It's not a drug 'cause I made it up!

Beej: {TO IAN} You stole my recipe?!

Ian: Bethamphetamines...or "crystal Beth" as I call her.

Beej: You steal my imaginary cocaine recipe AND "Steven Universe" OC!

Ian: Bath salts. Like, for REAL bath salts. Like, the fizzy? Y'know, feel good in your muscles? Smell nice? Bath salts.

Beej: STOP STEALING MY STUFF! Why did I ask you to help me move?!? My back is so sore!!

Kathleen: Uhhhhhhh, no, no, no and...you guys might have some issues to work out. What he was in possession of was Krispy Kreme glaze crumbs that had fallen off his donut. Then they arrested him and held him for eleven hours. He's gonna SUE!

Beej: This seems like a frame-up to me. I mean, cops are supposed to know donuts WAY better than this.

Ian: Who eats a donut over the top of their meth pipe?

Kathleen: From a Florida story where NOBODY was doing drugs to a Florida story where two people were DEFINITELY doing drugs: Palm Beach deputies arrested this couple who were chasing around WHAT with machetes?

Beej: Ooo, it "Pin the Machete on the Donkey Day"!

Ian: Was it a gang of ambulatory coconuts? 'Cause I'VE had that vision quest. {ILLUSTRATION OF AN ALOLAN EXEGGUTOR POPS UP TO IAN'S LEFT}

Beej: The Green Fairy?!

Ian: One of the little green men from Kennedy Space Center that they brought back from the Apollo missions?

Beej: {TO IAN} The Great Gazoo?!

Ian: Yeah!

Kathleen: You guys are making this WAY too complicated! They were chasing ghosts!

Ian & Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ian: Wait...ghosts are REAL?!

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Only if you're high as balls!

Beej: Ghosts are real and I have things to do! {GETS UP}

Ian: Wait, why were they using machetes to catch a ghost when they should clearly be using a proton pack and trap...or, at the very least, a giant ape and jalopy?

{CLIP OF BEGINNING OF FILMATION'S "GHOSTBUSTERS" CARTOON}

Ian: Geez, what kind of drug does a Floridian have to be on for it to make sense to catch a ghost with a machete?!

Kathleen: Good question, Ian. And the answer is "Molly". Not just for clubs anymore.

Beej: I wonder what it's like to be high on pure molybdenum?

Ian: What? You mean, like, taking a bite out of the Michelin tire mascot?

Beej: No, YOU'RE thinking of "Bibendum"...who looks an AWFUL lot like the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man...

Ian: ...and Bibendum is made of rubber...rubber repels proton packs...that's why they needed the machetes!!

{CONTINUING CLIP OF BEGINNING OF FILMATION'S "GHOSTBUSTERS" CARTOON, FOLLOWED BY A "SIN: LA CADENA HISPANA DE TELEVISION" SLATE}

Kathleen: {HOLDING HER HEAD LIKE SHE HAS A MIGRAINE} O...kay. I'll...to change the subject, police in San Bernadino, California arrested a man trying to get INTO a prison. He was trying to scale the outside wall OF a prison. And they don't know WHY he was trying to get into a prison but he's been arrested. So mission accomplished!

Beej: But...that means they have to let him GO! 'Cause if you're trying to get INTO prison, and then you get arrested, that just reverses the whole thing! And they have to let him go! And they can't arrest him ever again!! I HAVE THINGS TO DO!!! {GETS UP AGAIN}

Ian: Look, I've had a real tough time trying to hold down a Gym. And, given how hard it is for prisoners to get cell phones, I'M willing to climb over the walls to hold one down for Team Mystic!

{SHOT OF BEEJ'S EMPTY CHAIR, WITH CRICKETS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. THE CAMERA THEN PANS TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: He left. {SINGING} "So lonely. So lonely in here."

Ian: {TO KATHLEEN} I'M still here!

Kathleen: {STILL SINGING} So lonely in here! No Beej...just me...and "what's his name"..."the other one"...but, remember, {DONS ORANGE WIDE-BRIMMED HAT} not all sources of news have this hat...{HOLDS UP LETTER}...which is from Ivar, aka "Dutch Guy". We liked your stroopwaffels. {SALUTES} So lonely...

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, WITH IAN NICKNAMED "THE OTHER ONE"}

Ian: Maybe he done so meth at the police...

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} "He done SO meth." {EVERYONE LAUGHING} "He done so meth! I done so meth! Grandmammy, gimme some of that meth; I done so meth!"

Ian: Oh, you so meth!

Beej: {OFF-SCREEN} Bathtub meth...

Ian: {CLEARING THROAT} Next up on the WB, "It's So Meth!"