The Mythical Thigh Boob Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- The Mythical Thigh Boob
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. It's summertime and we are things that are delicious on the barbecue. I am steak, dripping in juices and slathered in sauce. Joining me this week is chicken,
Paul: Remember to cook me well, or I will kill you.
Graham: And Minotaur!
Kathleen: Half red meat, half white meat, all organic!
Graham: And we hear some people barbecue vegetables as well.
{TITLE: HA! VEGETABLES ARE FOR CHUMPS (SUBTITLE: AND CHUMPS WHO DON'T WANT TO DIE OF HEART ATTACKS)}
Graham: A man in Pennsylvania has been charged with stealing from a Pennsylvania hospital three hundred and fifty thousand dollars worth of skin.
Kathleen: Sorry, did you say skim, as in milk?
Graham: No, skin with an 'n', as in human skin, though I don't know the fat content offhand.
Kathleen: Thank you, just checking. {SCREAMS} AAAAAAHHHHH!
Paul: I imagine this is just featureless skin to be used in skin grafts and stuff, but the first thing I think of when you said he stole a bunch of skin was just a whole bunch of what looked like deflated people, just like lying in a whole pile.
Kathleen: Urgh, that would just make the worst rug. It would not tie the room together!
I mean, maybe it would, if you wanted to tie your room together with a motif of horror, terror and screaming guests. I mean, to each his own when it comes to interior decor.
Paul: Okay, so now theoretically there is three hundred and fifty thousand dollars of black market skin around, so what do you do with that? Is it just like some guy in an alley with skin in his coat?
Kathleen: {IN CRACKLED VOICE} You want your skin grafts? I got your skin grafts right here. Give you some nice Asian skin, black skin, or my special this week, Latino skin.
Graham: So I don't know how much better this makes it, but this was laboratory-grown skin from human skin cells, used for skin grafts, and the guy who stole it is a skin grafts salesman who just jacked it from the hospital, so presumably he could sell it to other hospitals, I guess.
Kathleen: You're crushing my dreams that he's just some sort of weird freak and he's just taking it home to eat, on like salad, like bacon bits.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Urgh, that's your dream?
Kathleen: Well, I mean one of my dreams.
Paul: So in other news, skin graft salesman is a job, apparently.
Kathleen: It's a job and there's at least one opening!
Paul: I can see the skin graft salesman job as actually being quite complicated, 'cos you gotta match like the person's skin color and like the texture to the person that's already there, and maybe people want to upgrade to like different kinds of skin?
Kathleen: Okay, so because of these horrific burns, I realize that you have to replace all of the skin on my thigh, but I was wondering if you could not give me regular thigh skin. Could I have skin with a tit on it so I can have three boobs? Uh, give me a new career option or just something to play with when I'm bored?
Graham: While the skin is probably the strangest theft this week, two men in Cambridge, Ontario, were arrested for stealing some grease from behind a restaurant.
Kathleen: No, that's weirder, because even if I don't know what you do with skin, I could conceive of a world where someone would want to buy human skin for some reason. Why would you want restaurant grease?
Paul: What if these two things are related? What evil could you get up to with a bunch of extra skin and a bunch of stolen grease?
Graham: The Denny's cannibal slam!
Paul: Worst slip-n-slide ever?
Kathleen: Worst amateur musical production of Grease ever.
Paul: I feel like all of these answers are gonna end with "worst ever".
Graham: Much like the skin, they don't know exactly what these guys wanted to do with the grease, but they are being charged with theft under five thousand dollars.
Paul: Way, way, WAY under five thousand dollars.
Graham: In this year's Cotswold Olimpick Games (spelled O-L-I-M-P-I-C-K to avoid copyright), in the Cotswolds in England, a Vancouver man, sporting a Vancouver Canucks jersey, defeated the UK reigning champion at the lovely game of shin-kicking.
Paul: Is there some subtlety to this game that I'm missing, or is it just people kicking each other's shins?
Kathleen: I feel that the person who goes first has a distinct advantage.
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}
Paul: Hey, you wanna play shin-kicking? I'll go first. {MAKES TO KICK KATHLEEN'S SHIN}
Kathleen: Aaahhh!
Paul: There has to be at least some sort of regulation in terms of what kind of footwear you can use.
Kathleen: Surprisingly, cleats, okay.
Graham: While I don't believe there are footwear restrictions, though I imagine cleats would be considered unsportsmanlike, you are allowed to stuff hay down your trousers to protect your shins a little bit, and the contest is two people kicks each other in the shins until one of them falls over.
Paul: Okay, so say you win at shin-kicking. You still have had your shins kicked a lot, just slightly less than so incredibly painful that you had to fall over! And now you have to go through the rest of your life with bruised shins.
Kathleen: No no no! You get to go through the rest of your life with bruised shins AND an offbrand Olimpick medal! And that is... priceless, I'm sure.
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA.}
Kathleen: What kind of other {AIR-QUOTES} "sports", and I use the term very loosely, do you think that they have in the Olimpicks? I think one of them is probably drowny-welly. Just who can drown in a well the fastest. Single elimination odds.
Paul: Mmm. There's the old elbow to the sternum.
Kathleen: Popular, popular.
Paul: Yeah, yeah.
Kathleen: I'd like to think there's eye socket finger lacrosse which is like fingers going into eye sockets. The lacrosse part mostly played down, it's kind of a holdover title-wise, but you know.
Paul: Uh, oh there's cliff diving, but not into the water.
Kathleen: {LAUGHS} Just off a cliff.
Paul: It's just off a cliff into the ground.
Kathleen: That's also single elimination, I think.
Paul: Yeah.
{KATHLEEN LAUGHS}
Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} So I'm looking up the schedule for the Cotswold Olimpicks. Uh, {READS} "at 7:30, the official opening. At 7:45, the Championship of the Hill, which is the parade of teams who compete in a succession of rural sports beginning with the traditional obstacle race. At 8:15, the Olimpick five mile run through the grounds of Camden House. At, uh, 8:30, the Champion of the Hill throwing the hammer, putting the shot, a standing jump and spurning the barre. At 8:45, shin-kicking heats. At 9:15, the tug-of-war final. At 9:30, the finals of the world championship shin-kicking." It is in fact the main event.
Other activities: {COUNTS OFF FINGERS} face-painting, fairground, virtual paintball-
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} That's laser tag!
Graham: -Birds of prey (which I assume just watching a hawk), the fairground organ, {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER} and bungee-jumping.
Kathleen: I don't know, I feel that now that I've heard more about the Olimpicks, it sounds actually really quaint and I think if there's any one place that Feed Dump deserves to go on a field trip, it's to rural England for a celebration of idiocy.
{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}
Paul: You want to go to England to get your shins kicked?
Kathleen: No no, I want to go to England to observe other people having their shins kicked, in the name of... {TURNS TO THE CAMERA} "journalism". Yeah.
Paul: Sure, sure, that's a thing we do.
Graham: Somebody remind me of this next... March. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON WHITE AND BROWN WOVEN CUPCAKE HAT} this hat, which is a cupcake, and now I have cupcake head. And now I want a cupcake, so... I don't know if that's because I'm thinking about cupcakes or if the hat has powers. But I desire frosting.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: Minotaur. Minotauuuurr. Mi-no-taurio!
