The LoadingReadyRumble Transcript

Transcript for The LoadingReadyRumble

Transcript

{Scene opens on the beach of a mysterious island and we soon see Graham and Paul lying unconscious by the water's edge. Then Graham begins to stir}

Graham: {groans as he sits up, yawns and rubs his head} Ow... {he then looks up and realizes where he is} What... the... crap! {looks round and starts when he sees Paul next to him} Paul, are you okay?

Paul: {groans as he comes to} Wow, that was a good party...

Graham: {mutters} No kidding...

Paul: Oof... {carefully pushes himself up, notices Graham and then looks around him} Oh no...

{Just then, a laptop nearby switches on, revealing the Head of Evil Inc. (Paul) and his assistant (Graham) watching them from a darkened office. Graham and Paul look round as the Head speaks to them}

Head of Evil Inc.: Good morning gentlemen. I hope you had a good nap because I'm afraid you will not get a chance to rest for quite some time.

Graham: What the hell...? {he and Paul get to their feet and pick up the laptop}

Head of Evil Inc.: Each of you has been brought here to play a little game. I'm sorry to say however, that in this game, there are no winners. Well, except for maybe, me! {throws back his head and laughs evilly}

Graham: Who are you?

Head of Evil Inc.: I'm getting to that! First let me introduce everyone to their opponents.

Graham: Is-Is this gonna take long?

Head of Evil Inc.: Fine! I'll start with you: Graham and Paul, founders of world-renown website, LoadingReadyRun.com;

{Cut to 64K, composed of Ice Tray (Morgan), G*Star (Graham) and JP (Jer)}

Head of Evil Inc.: 64K, ridiculous 80's style rappers;

{Cut to Jeremy Michaels (Jer)}

Head of Evil Inc.: Obnoxious game show host, Jeremy Michaels;

{Cut to Gibb}

Head of Evil Inc.: Gibb... I actually don't know what he is. {turns to Evil Henchman} Why did you kidnap a puppet?

Assistant: {just shrugs}

Head of Evil Inc.: Anyway...

{Cut to Jangles (Morgan) and Jones (Graham)}

Head of Evil Inc.: My old friends, Bo Jangles and Quentin Jones;

{Cut to the PC (Matt) from Rejected 'Get a Mac' Ads}

Head of Evil Inc.: The PC... you know, from those ads;

{Cut to Mr Tiddlywinks (Bill)}

Head of Evil Inc.: Mr Tiddlywinks, cliched horror movie villain;

{Cut to Canadaman (Graham) and Jacques Francois (Paul)}

Head of Evil Inc.: Canada's national superhero, Canadaman, and his Franco-phone nemesis, Jacques Francois;

{Cut to the Guy Who is Super (James) from Save the Day}

Head of Evil Inc.: Unimaginatively-named superhero, the Guy Who is Super;

{Cut to Killahbyte (Morgan) from Pimp My Chair}

Head of Evil Inc.: J-list hip-hop artist, Killahbyte;

{Cut to the Chief (Jer) from 30 Minutes or Less, complete with film-noir style music}

Head of Evil Inc.: El Casa del Pizza's hard-drinking chief, The Chief;

{Cut to the Small Time Criminals (Bill and Morgan) from the Small Time skits}

Head of Evil Inc.: And some other guys I got to make things more interesting: a pair of small time criminals;

{Cut to the nerd (Jer) from Nerd Fight}

Head of Evil Inc.: An unhealthily obsessed nerd;

{Cut to Ted (Bill) from The Dangers of Cigarettes}

Head of Evil Inc.: A school bully;

{Cut to the Thought Police (Graham and Paul) from The 'C' Word}

Head of Evil Inc.: And some overzealous thought police.

{Cut to... an empty field}

Head of Evil Inc.: And last but not least, my arch-nemesis, Edward James Olm- {starts in disbelief} He's escaped! Damn you, Olmos! Damn you! So without further ado, let the best man, or puppet, win!

Paul: Hey, I thought you said there weren't any winners.

Head of Evil Inc.: I mean, FIGHT!

{Jangles and Jones swap puzzled looks}

Head of Evil Inc.: Come on, fight!

{Thought Police frown in confusion}

Head of Evil Inc.: Why aren't they fighting? {Assistant leans over and whispers something in the Head's ear} Oh right! Uh, you've all been fitted with explosive devices in your brains. If you don't fight, you die. Sorry, I forgot to mention that before.

{Split-screen shot of opponents}

Everyone: Ohhhhhh...

{Graham closes up the laptop and hands it over to Paul}

Paul: So uh, what do we have to work with?

Graham: Um... Oh. {kneels down and picks up a small metal lid} We have a pot lid.

Paul: A pot lid?

Graham: Yeah.

Paul: We could just... {indicates whacking someone with the laptop}

Graham: You know, this reminds me of something. {thinks about it for a moment then shrugs} Alright. {With that, they set off to confront their enemies}

{Cut to Jangles and Jones}

Jones: Alright, man, let's split up. We can cover more ground that way.

Jangles: Ain't no thing.

Jones: Right on. {they split up, Jones going stage left and Jangles heading stage right)

{Cut to Jeremy Michaels who approaches a hidden camera then spotting it, he grabs it and focuses it on his face}

Jeremy Michaels: Hi, I'm Jeremy Michaels and I have no idea where I am.

{He then leaves the bushes and begins his search. Just then, Mr Tiddlywinks approaches him from behind, meat cleaver raised, but then Jeremy turns around and starts when he sees him}

Jeremy: Whoa! Hi, hi, how's it going? Now before you kill me, before you kill me, I want you to consider something. I'm working on a new reality show for next season. We take ten sexy singles and put them in a house, and then you, my friend, you'll kill them.

Mr Tiddlywinks: {lowers his cleaver and mulls it over}

Jeremy: Sounds like a good idea, doesn't it? Now, you're new to the industry so uh, I can drop the contract, you'll be working for Scale.

{Then Mr Tiddlywinks, whether he accepted the deal or not, raises his cleaver again and kills Jeremy}

{Cut to the Small Time criminals; I'll just call them Morgan and Bill}

Morgan: Okay, but seriously though, where did you get the Timbits from?

Bill: {places hand on Morgan's shoulder} You know, I've been meaning to tell you. {suddenly looks up and points over Morgan's shoulder} Wait a minute, the hell is that?

The PC: {emerging from the bushes} Hi, I'm a PC. Uh, have you guys seen a Mac around here anywhere?

Morgan: {opens the Timbits box} Here, go, quick! Get him, get him!

{Bills pulls out some Timbits and starts throwing them at the PC}

The PC: Ow! Excuse me, could I- Ah! Now listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I am very good at World of Warcraft. {puts on horned helmet} And my Intrepid Battle Axe of the Boar did just drop today.

{The two criminals pause for a moment but then Bill tosses one more Timbit at the PC, which drives him over the edge}

The PC: {raised Intrepid Battle Axe high} AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

{In a panic, the criminals drop the Timbits box and flee for their lives, the PC right on their tails}

The PC: FOR THE HOOOORRDE! {kills the criminals off-screen}

{Cut to Killahbyte as he runs out of the grass. Then a pizza box hits him in the head, making him groan in pain, and he looks round to see the Chief waiting for him, pizzas at the ready}

Killahbyte: Those pizza boxes may be square, but your man KB sure ain't. Throwing pizza ain't no way to put it down.

The Chief: You pathetic dirt-bag! Do you think I'm gonna let myself be shot down by the likes of you?

Killahbyte: Lucky for me, Mr K to the B keeps his pimp-hand way strong.

{Killahbyte and the Chief prepare for battle, but before either of them could strike, they suddenly hear an angry yell. They whirl round to see and are immediately taken out by the charged-up PC}

{Cut to Jer, the nerd, who's now wielding a glowing lightsaber}

Jer: Oh yeah! Wow!

{Cut to Ted, who's busy snapping twigs in half like... well, twigs, when suddenly...}

Jer: {charging over the hill, lightsaber raised} HAAAANN SHOOOOTS FIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRST!!

{We see through Jer's perspective that his lightsaber is real, but Ted, and the audience, really see that the saber is a fake. As such, when Jer eventually hits Ted, nothing happens}

Jer: {gulps then raises hand} Force choke!

{With a scoff, Ted grabs Jer, spins him round, takes hold of his underwear and pulls tight. Scene immediately cuts to forest as Ted wedgies Jer to death. Jer gives out a final ear-piercing squeal.}

{Cut to the Guy Who is Super who hears the death-scream, puts on a heroic pose and races to the rescue}

{Cut back to Ted who tosses aside the dead Jer}

Ted: {gives a mocking laugh} I need a cigarette.

{Suddenly, the Guy Who is Super charges in and slaps Ted across the face, to no avail. So then he points to the side and as Ted turns to look, the Guy Who is Super knees him in the groin then slaps him in the face, taking the bully out. He then runs off into the forest, but stops as he comes across a small bowl of pork rinds sitting on a rock. Feeling peckish, the Guy Who is Super bends down, pulls off his mask and eats one of the pork rinds then puts his mask back on and makes to leave, but then...}

Hampire (James): {laughing from within the Guy Who is Super) I'm inside of you!

{Yes, turns out the bowl of pork rinds was in fact James the Hampire from Serious Cravings. With a choking gasp, the Guy Who is Super collapses to the ground and dies}

Hampire: Oh Christ, how'm I gonna get outta here?

{And thus the Hampire was vanquished, in a badly thought-out murder-suicide}

{Cut to Canadaman, armed with his trusty hockey stick, and Jacques Francois, wielding his lacrosse pole}

Canadaman: {with Canadian accent} Okay, Jacques, we gotta work together here, eh?

Jacques: {in French-Canadian accent} I'm not working with any fancy-pants Anglo in your matching tuque and undies!

Canadaman: ...Look Jacques, you may want your great province to separate from our wonderful country, and who knows, eh? Maybe one day you will, but here and now, we're both Canadian!

Jacques: ...Well, I guess you're right. You win this time. {awkward pause} So uh, after we get out of this, you uh want to eat some poutine or something?

Canadaman: What is it with you and poutine, eh?

Jacques: It's cheese curds and gravy on top of fries. What's not to like?

Canadaman: Fair enoogh.

{With that, they set off, but are immediately confronted by the Thought Police, armed with giant candy canes}

Thought Police 1 (Graham): Your reinforcement of these ethnic stereotypes ends here!

{At once, Canadaman and Jacques raise their weapons and charge forward. Jacques grapples with Thought Police 1, who gains the upper hand, while Canadaman locks sticks with Thought Police 2. Nearby, Mr Tiddlywinks approaches through the long grass, and shades his eyes with the cleaver to observe the battle, but before he could even think of charging in, the PC charges past and takes him out with his battle axe. The PC then charges into the fray, taking out first the Thought Police, then Canadaman and finally Jacques. In the grass, Gibb watches the slaughter and ducks down as the PC charges past, but before he could make his next move, the PC doubles back, charges round the side and takes out the puppet}

{Cut to Jangles and Jones who are backing towards each other, Jones armed with his gun and Jangles in a karate pose. Then they bump into each other and spin round, but relax when they recognize each other}

Jangles: Hey, keep your cool, man.

Jones: Sorry, Jangles. This whole thing reeks of corruption.

Jangles: It's all good. I gotta plan to stick it to the man.

Jones: Righteous. But first, we gotta- {suddenly looks up and spots something} Who the hell are those jokers?

{Jangles whirls round, and the camera turns too, to reveal 64K standing by a field}

G*Star: Oh snap!

JP: It's the 5-0!

Ice Tray: Check yo'selves!

{64K immediately draw out NES Zapper light guns, the kind used to play Duck Hunt, and point them at Jangles and Jones}

Jones: Hey man, chill. We're not cops. We break the rules...

Jangles: ...And make our own.

Ice Tray: Well, I don't care. We already lost our boy, C-Unit. No way Ice Tray's laying down. {clicks his Zapper's trigger, but of course, nothing happens} Sonnova bitch!

{Acting quickly, Jangles pulls out his afro-comb and hurls it forward, hitting Ice Tray in the throat. Seeing their boy fall, G*Star and JP charge forward and start beating the crap out of Jangles, taking him down. But then Jones pulls out his gun and shoots G*Star in the back. Quickly JP raises his Zapper and points it out}

JP: You're empty.

Jones: So are you. Let's finish this like gentlemen.

JP: Aight.

{JP and Jones stand back-to-back, weapons drawn, and each take five paces forward. But as they turn round, JP fires first, taking out Jones with NES sound effects and victory music. Satisfied at his success, JP blows down his Zapper's barrel and stows it away, but then the PC pops up behind him and takes him out with his axe. But then out of nowhere, a pot lid flies out and hits the PC in the head, taking him out. The lid then gets picked up by... Graham as Paul stares at him in shock}

Graham: Huh.

Paul: You killed the PC with a pot lid!

Graham: I prefer Apple anyway. Hey, do you know they don't get viruses? That's what I hear.

Head of Evil Inc.: {interrupting Paul before he could argue} And then there were two. {Graham and Paul whirl round to see him leering at them through his laptop} I guess it's one-on-one now.

Paul: What, you expect us to fight each other now? 'Cause there's no way we're- {at this point, Graham clouts him over the head with the pot lid} OW! What you do that for? We talked about this, okay?

Graham: I panicked.

Paul: 'Kay, come over here. {pulls Graham aside} Okay, look, he's obviously transmitting from nearby. So if we can find him, we can stop this.

Head of Evil Inc.: I can totally still hear you guys.

{Graham and Paul turn to see the laptop at their feet so they quickly set off}

{Cut to several hours later, and Graham and Paul approaching a large bush}

Graham: They gotta be around here. We searched the whole island. {spots an opening in the bush and alerts Paul} Whoa, whoa, hey. Check that out.

Paul: You know, if I was evil, this is totally where I'd be.

Graham: Alright, after you.

Paul: Hey wait, I don't trust you with that pot lid any more.

{Graham looks around then flicks the pot lid away, leaving Paul flabbergasted}

Paul: That was all we had! {sighs and sets off into the secret tunnel, Graham right behind him}

{Side-slide to office. Paul pushes open the door, peeks around inside and his eyes widen in shock. Camera pulls back to reveal... the Head of Evil Inc lying motionless on the floor and his assistant sprawled upon the desk}

Paul: Hey, Graham... I think you better check this out.

{Graham peeks over Paul's shoulder and his face creases in a puzzled frown as they step into the office. Paul approaches the assistant and gingerly pokes him in the back then he leans forward and feels for a pulse}

Paul: He's dead.

Graham: {checking the Head of Evil Inc's pulse} Yeah, this one's dead too. There's a note. {plucks note from Head's dead fingers and reads it} "Sorry I missed you. Will return tomorrow to install your escape tunnel between the hours of two and five." {tosses the note aside with a sigh then gets to his feet}

Paul: What happened to them?

Graham: I don't really care. I just don't want this to happen to us. I'm outta here! {dashes out the office}

{Side-slide back to island, where Graham and Paul pause at the entrance to catch their breath}

Graham: Okay, we gotta get off this island, real fast, 'cos if neither of us killed them, and we're the only ones left, then who killed them?

Strange voice: {fading in while Graham was talking} ...convinced the natives to help repair the on-board computer in my Lincoln Continental, and could continue on without incident.

{Graham and Paul look round to find the owner of the voice. Then suddenly a loud shot rings out, and Graham jerks back and collapses to the ground}

Paul: Graham!

{Suddenly Story Guy (Graham), dressed in black, steps behind Paul and snaps his neck, killing him too}

Story Guy: But as it turns out, it was all a misunderstanding, and Mr Couffinon and I still play a good game of strip-highlight every once in a while.

Stinger

{Graham and Paul jerk awake in bed, panting in shock}

Paul: Oh, I had the weirdest dream.

Graham: Me too.

Paul: And you were there!

Graham: Yeah, same here.

Paul: This guy killed us!

Graham: {frowns} ...I think I was having a different dream.