The Less You Know Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- The Less You Know

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. Hey, guess what we are this week? Mortal Kombat finishers, I bet you didn't see that one coming. And you know what? There's more than just fatality because that's me, but I am told that this week I am joined by animality,

Ash: Because I like puppies... more than beating you to death.

Kathleen: And friendship.

{SHOT OF ASH AND GRAHAM ON THE COUCH. BOTH OF THEM SMILE AND THROW OUT THEIR ARMS AS AN ANIMATED RAINBOW FORMS IN FRONT OF THEM. Mortal Kombat-esque voiceover: FRIENDSHIP!}

{TITLE: TEST YOUR MIGHT NEWS KOMBAT (SUBTITLE: DUN DUN DUN DUN DA DADA, ETC)}

Kathleen: If you're a cocaine dealer and you had ten cool G's of it on your person, you should not do what this man from Barrie, Ontario did when the police approached them. He asked them for a ride.

Graham: {TALKING ON iPHONE} What's that? ...I, uh, no, uh, you know what? I will walk, thank you, officer. {ENDS CALL}

Ash: Well, what if you only had five grand worth of cocaine?

Graham: Then you're probably fine?

Ash: What if you had none? Can you- can you do that? Have I been walking like an idiot?

{SHOT OF GRAHAM IN BLUE POLICE SHIRT AND POLICE HAT IN FRONT OF THE GREEN SCREEN, WHICH SHOWS A CITY BLOCK. SOUNDS OF TRAFFIC PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND. ASH ENTERS SHOT ON THE LEFT, HOLDING HER iPHONE.}

Ash: Excuse me, sir, can you give me a ride?

Graham: {WEARING BLUE POLICE SHIRT AND POLICE HAT} What?

Ash: I need to get to the mall.

Graham: {WEARING BLUE POLICE SHIRT AND POLICE HAT} You're asking me for a ride to the mall?

Ash: Uh, yeah. You're supposed to protect and serve. Serve!

{CUT BACK TO GRAHAM ON THE COUCH}

Graham: Did they search him? Was it like poking out of his jacket all lumpy and weird? Was it some sort of comical slapstick like getting into the car, "Whoops, all my cocai-" Actually, how much is ten grand of cocaine? How big is that?

Ash: So how horrible was his choice in footwear that his feet hurt so much that he would ask the police for a ride?

Graham: I think what he's learning here is to invest some of that ten grand into some nice shoes. It's a business expense, yo. Or like a jacket with... cocaine pockets? Still don't know how much this is, how, physically how big it is.

Ash: {LEANING INTO SHOT} Or maybe a car to facilitate your transportation needs!

{GRAHAM NODS AND POINTS TO ASH AS IF TO SAY 'YES EXACTLY'}

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

Kathleen: A man from Wiggin in the United Kingdom has been stamped as a sex offender after he was caught having sex with a mailbox in public.

Graham: As opposed to having sex with a mailbox in private like the rest of us.

Kathleen: The man took off his pants and then walked towards the mailbox while {AIR-QUOTES} "making sexual advances towards it". He then rubbed his groin area against it with his hands in the air {RAISES HER HANDS IN THE AIR} while shouting "WOW!!!"

Ash: {HANDS IN THE AIR} WOW!!! I never needed to know that!

Graham: "Wow"?! Who shouts "Wow"? What was he surprised by? Was it especially cold?

Ash: Well, maybe he was just surprised at the prices of sending a parcel internationally... while he was rubbing his dick on a mailbox. {GRIMACES UNCOMFORTABLY}

Graham: No wait, I figured it out. Beforehand, he was like "I wonder if I would enjoy rubbing my balls on a postbox?" And when he got there, he was like {RAISES HIS HANDS IN THE AIR} "WOW!!! I'M TOTALLY INTO THIS!"

{SHOT OF ASH AND GRAHAM ON THE SOFA}

Ash: Or maybe he was going like {RAISES HER HANDS IN THE AIR} "Wow! This is totally not illegal!"

Graham: Until the cops showed up and saw him literally doing it.

Ash: Yeah, but he probably just thought that they were there to give him a ride. I mean, that's what police do, right?

{GRAHAM NODS IN AGREEMENT}

{SHOT OF JUST GRAHAM}

Graham: I'm glad that you specified that he just rubbed his junk on the postbox, because I was having a lot of trouble figuring out that if he wanted to, and now cover your ears children, {AIR-QUOTES} "penetrate" the mailbox, he'd have to like... stand on his hands upside do- or get like a apple crate? What I'm saying is that it's very high up on the box, the actual, like... entry point. This is not something I've considered until now.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

Kathleen: A father and a son got more than they bargained for when they came back from the car wash and heard a strange knocking noise coming from their trunk. They opened it to see what was the matter and discovered a man had stowed away in there.

Ash: Another guy that just needed a ride. Why didn't he find a policeman?

Graham: That seems impractical.

Ash: First of all, how old was this car that there was no release inside the trunk? 'Cos I'm pretty sure that all vehicles come standard with two now. Second of all, they don't open your trunk during a car wash, so how did they know he got in during the car wash and he wasn't just trapped in there from the- I don't even know.

Graham: Was he nesting in the trunk? Was he trying to move in? Was this a man or three raccoons in a coat?

{SHOT OF ASH LOOKING AT HER iPHONE IN FRONT OF THE GREEN SCREEN, WHICH SHOWS A DIFFERENT CITY BLOCK TO THE ONE BEFORE. ASH LOOKS UP AS A FIGURE IN A BROWN OVERCOAT WALKS PAST HER, A RACCOON TAIL STICKING OUT OF THE COLLAR, SQUEAKING AS IT GOES}

Ash: That guy needs a ride. {DIALS ON HER PHONE} 9-1-1.

Kathleen: No no no, it was a person. It was a guy who worked at the car wash and was trying to get away from someone because he owed them money. So he figured the best place to hide was the trunk of a car going through the car wash.

Ash: Did he by any chance owe the guy ten thousand dollars for cocaine?

Graham: Why not just hide in the car wash? Like, the shower part, until whoever it was left? Why get into, a tru- They're not gonna go in there! They're not gonna be like, "Where's Dave? I bet he's in with all the brushes and soap." No!

Ash: Because some people would rather risk getting arrested than get wet.

{SHOT OF ASH AND GRAHAM ON THE COUCH}

Graham: That obviously wasn't a concern for the guy who tried to fuck a postbox.

Ash: But he wasn't in any danger of getting wet.

Graham: Or was he?

Ash: Eeeewwwwwwwww!

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC... CUT OFF INTO BLACK SCREEN WITH THE WORDS "NOPE NOPE NOPE" APPEARING, FOLLOWED BY A TEST SCREEN}

Kathleen: Why does it always end in sex? {SIGHS AND SHAKES HER HEAD} Ugh, well, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have this classy bowler {PUTS ON RATHER LARGE BOWLER HAT} which is a little big for my head, but unlike having sex with postboxes, uh, it's legal? Eh? {SHRUGS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF THE GREEN SCREEN AFTER THE LAST SCENE THEY DID IN FRONT OF IT. GRAHAM IS HEARD LAUGHING IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: {COMES INTO SHOT WEARING BROWN OVERCOAT AND COONSKIN CAP WITH THE TAIL STICKING OUT} How's that look?

Graham: {COMES INTO SHOT CLOSER THAN KATHLEEN} That looks really good!