The LHC
From LoadingReadyWiki
Imagine that they actually DO create a black hole and destroy the very fabric of space and time. Who's gonna look stupid then, huh?
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Date: September 29, 2008
Category: Shorts
Appearing: Graham Stark, Paul Saunders, James Turner, Jeremy Petter, Rosa
Writing: Paul
Editing: Graham
Thanks to: Ashley Augustine
Synopsis
The Action 9 News Team returns to dazzle you all with it's thorough scientific knowledge and understanding. Also: Hampsters.
Transcript
{Begins with the Action 9 News Intro Video and music, cut to Graham as Ross Hartas in the 'Action 9 News Room'. Ross Hartas's name is displayed at the bottom of the screen with the word 'Reporting' underneath}
Ross Hartas- Good evening, I'm Ross Hartas and this is an Action 9 special report.
{The words 'News Special Report' go across the screen, cut back to Ross Hartas, his name and 'Reporting' are no longer seen}
Ross- Today is a momentous occasion as the first test of the worlds largest and highest energy particle accelerator, The Large Hadron Collidor, are scheduled to take place. Scientists are hoping the LHC will give us new insight into how the universe began and revolutionize our understanding of physics and chemistry. But is it dangerous to you and your family? To find out we have with us via satellite. Doctor Patrick Edwards, the Head of Operations at the LHC.
{The screen is now a blue background with two small video links, one of Ross Hartas in the studio and the other of Paul, as Doctor Patrick, in the LHC Lab. Underneath it reads LHC: Threat or Menace, with the Action 9 logo to the side. It then cuts back to Ross as he begins to talk again}
Ross- Good evening Dr. Edwards thanking for taking the time to talk to us.
{Cut to Dr. Edwards in the LHC Lab, the bottom of the screen reads "Dr. Patrick Edwards" underneath it reads "Head of Operations - LHC"}
Dr. Edwards- My pleasure Ross, and let me just say it is gratifying to see the news media taking and interest in real hard science.
{Cut to Ross}
Ross- So Dr. Edwards, the question on everyone's mind: Is the LHC dangerous.
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards- Oh certainly. With proper safety precautions the LHC is much safer then more traditional methods of experimentation in this field.
{Cut to Ross}
Ross-So you admit there are some dangers
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards-Look, Ross, when you're using over 16 hundred super conducting magnets to accelerate material around a 27 kilometer ring at 99.99999 percent the speed of light you're gonna wanna wear your safety goggles. But the process is extremely safe {Paul hesitates slightly} for all observers.
{Cut to Ross}
Ross-That's all well and good Doctor but what about the rest of us its been theorized that the release of energy at the point of impact could create a black hole, whose incredible gravitational forces would instantaneously destroy this great nation, and the rest of the world
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards (Shocked)- WHAT! Are you sure? I mean it makes a pretty big mess but I don't think anyone's ever made a black hole out of hamsters.
{Cut to Ross}
Ross (Confused)- Hamsters?
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards-Well mostly hamsters. We also use mice, guinea pigs, and chinchillas. We find hamsters have the best aerodynamic and acoustic qualities. Also Chinchillas are a little big for the tube.
{Cut to Ross}
Ross-You mean to say you're putting furry household pets into a particle accelerator?
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards (matter-of-factly)-Uhh, Yeah. I mean we are the Large Hamster Collidor after all.
{Cut to Ross}
Ross-Large Hamster....I think we might have the wrong...
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
{Jer dressed in a lab coat and safety goggles comes in with a large paper}
Dr. Edwards-I'm gonna have to interrupt you there Ross, were about to do a full speed test.
{Jer walks off screen and Paul lowers his safety goggles}
Dr. Edwards-All right, let 'er rip.
{Red lights begin to flash and alarms sound as it cuts to a shot of a pair of hand putting a hamster into a hamster ball. Once the Hamster is in and the lid on the right hand gives a thumbs up to the camera}
{Cut to Ross looking slightly horrified. Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards-FIRE!!
{The alarm stops and the lights dim as you hear the sound of hamsters squeals as the hamsters accelerates. Dr. Edwards is looking at the tube following the movement with his head as the squeals get louder and louder until a "Squish" is heard}
{Screams erupt from the LHC team as they all jump into shot hugging each other}
Dr. Edwards-That was a good one!
{Cut to Ross as he pantomimes "Hamsters" to an off screen observer. Cut to the Double video screen feed where Ross is still pantomiming as the LHC team dances around in joy}
{Cut to Ross}
Ross (disgusted)-What could you possibly hope to discover from these experiments?
{Cut to Dr. Edwards, his team now off screen again, as he lifts his safety goggles}
Dr. Edwards-Discover? Wha..What do you mean? Didn't you see that? IT WAS AWESOME! Best Eleven billion dollars we ever spent!
Ross (taken aback)-I'm..uh..very happy for you. I see from the hand signals that my soon to be ex-producer is sending me that we are almost out of time. Do you know anything, at all, about the Large Hadron Collidor?
{Cut to Dr. Edwards}
Dr. Edwards-Isn't that the one that's gonna be making all those black holes? Sounds pretty dangerous to me.
Trivia
- The T-Shirt ad is repeated from Easy Bake Spore.
External Links
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