The Gimp Man Rides Again Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- The Gimp Man Rides Again

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where it's {BRINGS UP PINATA} PINATA TIME!

Kathleen: {COMING IN FROM BEHIND} Graham, what are you doing?

Graham: I'm... hosting Feed Dump. Like-like I do every week.

Kathleen: I beg to differ.

Graham: What-what do you mean? I-I am here, hosting Feed Dump each time always.

Kathleen: How about we fight for it?

Graham: {THINKS IT OVER} Alright. {TOSSES PINATA ASIDE}

{GRAHAM AND KATHLEEN BOTH RAISE THEIR FISTS, COUNT TO THREE AND THROW THEIR MOVES, GRAHAM THROWING ROCK AND KATHLEEN THROWING PAPER}

Kathleen: Ha! {SLAPS GRAHAM'S ROCK}

Graham: Dang it.

{NOW KATHLEEN'S IN THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where everything is in its right place. This week, we're video games and I'm Persona 4, because {SINGING} every day is great at your Junes. Joining me this week is Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance,

Graham: {WEARING BLACK AND WHITE MARIACHI SOMBRERO AND STILL HOLDING THE PINATA} I'm keeping the pinata!

Kathleen: And Extra New Super Mario Brothers 3D Magic Land Wii U 3DS Whatever Yoshi Thing.

Paul: {WEARING LUIGI HAT} I think you made that one up.

Kathleen: Course I made that one up!

{TITLE: FFVII BEST GAME OF ALL TIME! THE MAIN CAST HAD NOT ONE, BUT TWO CATS! THE ONLY CRITERIA THAT MATTERS!/CATS! CATS! CATS!}

Kathleen: Everyone's super excited about the new iPhone 6, {HOLDS UP WHITE iPHONE} especially if they happen to have old and busted, and yet still perfectly functional, older iPhones. Anyhow, how far would YOU go to get a new iPhone? Would you offer to rent out your girlfriend like one man in Shanghai did?

Graham: Now I know what you're all thinking, but... it's entirely possible that he rented his girlfriend out for... not sex! Maybe you just, didn't want to go see the movies alone, or... you know, needed someone to help you move a couch.

Paul: Ironically, the most useful thing to rent her out for might be to wait in line for an iPhone 6.

Kathleen: Actually this guy was... well, it uh falls under the loosest possible definition of {AIR-QUOTES} "gentleman", uh, and the ad stated things like "she's great for study sessions and maybe we can all go on three-way dates. No funny business!"

Graham: {HOLDING RAINBOW CLOWN WIG} No f-? Alright. {THROWS WIG ASIDE} Regular sex then!

Paul: I think you might be using a Psy definition of gentleman.

{QUICK CLIP FROM PSY'S 'GENTLEMEN' MUSIC VIDEO}

Graham: Two questions. One, if you aren't allowed to have any {AIR-QUOTES} "funny business", why do you want to rent out somebody's girlfriend? Two, did she know this was happening?

Kathleen: Unfortunately, Graham, the story is a little light on details there, but I can tell you that the ad he placed on campus at his university {READS FROM iPHONE} "had deals available by the day, hour, or month!"

Graham: {RUBBING HIS EYES} This is for an iPhone 6. Does he have a... larger, higher-resolution girlfriend I can rent if he wants to get a 6+?

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} "Sharing girlfriend for pocket money. One pound per hour. Five pounds per day. Fifty pounds a month. Uh, if you're interested, connect to personal hotspot Wi-fi SharingMaster to check her out." And when you went there, you got to see a picture of her with her height and weight. {BEAT} She's a very pretty girl. She could probably do better.

Paul: While knowing all the specifics of her height and weight are very important, I mean, you need to know her height in case you're renting her out to, you know, reach things on tall shelves, and her weight would be important if you need another person for like a teeter-totter.

Graham: Whatever he's asking for is equivalent to fifty pounds for a month, which is like ninety bucks Canadian. When I get my iPhone 6, I'm gonna be paying like three hundred with a contract. Like... she's gonna be booked for the next year for this to work!

Paul: So your problem with this is that he's not charging enough?

Graham: This guy clearly has no concept of economics. He's charging a pound an hour, or fifty pounds for a month. That is an insane value proposition.

Paul: I hope she's getting something out of this.

Graham: She can look at her boyfriend's new iPhone. I mean, he'll have to like use the touch ID to unlock it for her first, and maybe sometimes he doesn't want to do that, but other times, she can just, you know, rest well in the knowledge that her boyfriend has a new iPhone 6 now.

Kathleen: A man has started walking around Essex wearing a skin-tight, full face-covering gimp suit.

Graham: He's not just any man in a gimp suit, he's {IN DEEP ANNOUNCER VOICE} GIMP MAN! The hero that Essex deserves.

Paul: The suit has a full face mask though, so how do we know it's just one guy walking around? There could be a whole bunch of guys walking around in gimp suits, but people only see one at a time.

Graham: Essex has a fleet of gimps working in shifts? {THINKS IT OVER} Better than chavs, I guess.

Paul: Is it just me, or is there something actually a little bit wholesome about just a guy walking around in a gimp suit, y'know, hanging out, taking pictures with people? Like, I like that idea that he's just there, he's doing his thing, he's not bugging anybody. He's just cool.

Kathleen: You know what, Paul? A lot of people are actually calling the Gimp Man of Essex a hero, because he's a really nice guy, he's affable, and you know, you can take a photo with him. For every person that uploads a photo of him to his Facebook page,

{PICTURE OF THE GIMP MAN OF ESSEX'S FACEBOOK PAGE}

he donates one pound to a local charity.

Graham: I was right! The Gimp Man of Essex! {SHOT CHANGES TO BLACK AND WHITE AND WE HEAR OLD-TIMEY MUSIC AS HE SPEAKS} Hear the squeak of his leather blocks away! See the sun glinting off his zippers as he blinds the criminal element!

{SILENT FILM SUBTITLES: Gadzooks! The Gimp Man rides again!}

Paul: I'm starting to think that maybe this guy isn't even into this stuff in his private life. He's just doing this 'cos he thought it might be a way to raise money for charity.

Kathleen: Well, according to the Gimp Man of Essex himself, {READS FROM iPHONE} uh, "some people make assumptions that I am a pedophile or pervert and think I must be into some horrible things." However he did add that his wife and children do not know about his hobby.

Graham: How do they not know? Is this one of those like "Alright, children, now run along and get some Choc Ices. I have to go and tell my friend, the Gimp Man, something." {MIMES WALKING WITH HIS FINGERS} Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. {TALKS IN MUMBLES WITH HAND OVER HIS MOUTH AND WAVES WITH OTHER HAND} "Oh, it's the Gimp Man! Have you seen our dad?" {TALKS IN MUMBLES WITH HAND OVER HIS MOUTH} Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap. "Hey, kids, I heard that the Gimp Man was here. Did I just miss him?"

Paul: I think you are seriously underestimating the time it takes to get into a PVC gimp suit.

{SILENT FILM SUBTITLES: Hey sonny, can you give The Gimp Man a hand with his suit?}

Kathleen: A man in Leicestershire has grown the world's BIGGEST ONION! It's eighteen pounds, ten ounces.

Graham: {UNEXCITEDLY} Well, whoop de shit.

Kathleen: The previous Guinness world record holder was only ten pounds. This is almost eight pounds bigger! That's not nothing. It's like the size of a baby.

Graham: It's not that impressive. I was ten pounds, and my sister was eight so it's just the Stark Siblings. What I'm saying is my mom could have made that onion.

Paul: I guess this is the case with these giant vegetables, but... what do you do with it?

Graham: Well, Paul, I'm glad you asked. All Guinness record vegetables are placed in a geosynchronous orbit above Siberia as a warning to aliens.

Kathleen: I'm sure this guy's gonna do what people do all over the world when they slave hours and hours and hours into some sort of passion project. They uh let it gather dust and rot.

Paul: Well, since Matt isn't here, I feel like it's necessary to say, this story brings a tear to my eye.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND GRAHAM ON THE SOFA}

Graham: I'm actually holding out hope for a Clawford bathtub full of French onion soup.

Paul: Hmm, that would be delicious, but you would need an awful lot of bread and cheese for the topping.

Graham: Ooh, world record cheese wheel!

Paul: Yeah, and like the world's largest piece of crusty bread.

Graham: I'm okay with this. That sounds great. Sign me up!

Kathleen: On that SOUPer joke - {WAVES} Hi Matt! - we're gonna call this episode to a close. But remember! There may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON ANTIQUE ROSE PETAL HAT} this hat, which is an antique... which means that someone long, long ago looked at this hat and went, "Yeah, that's a good idea."

{FEED DUMP CREDITS (I CHANGED THE CREDITS ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?)}

Paul: {WEARING BROWN FLATCAP} I'm sorry, children, but we spent all of our money raising this onion. It'll have to be onion steaks from now on.