The Ghost of Sexual Relations Past Transcript

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Transcript for The Ghost of Sexual Relations Past

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where I have returned triumphantly...and slightly more tanned. And, this week, I am a solid eight hours of sleep. Joining me is a delicious home-cooked meal that doesn't make your stomach upset...

Graham: Unless you WANT a grease-burger with fried grease and an extra sprinkling of grease.

Kathleen: And sitting alone in a quiet room unbothered by other people with at least ten feet of personal space all around you.

Tally: {SINGING TO TUNE OF "HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS"} I got the whole room to myself!

Kathleen: That's right: we're all things you CAN'T get at PAX.

{BACKGROUND: NERD CHRISTMAS TIME! TITLE: PAX PAX PAX PAX PAX! AAND...YOU'RE SICK}

Kathleen: Have you ever been just so absorbed in a good book, you don't notice the hours going by? That happened to one shopper in Manchester after he was so busy ready science fiction novels, he didn't realize he had been locked in the shop after the owner forgot he was there.

Tally: "Reading Rainbow" did not warn me about this danger.

Graham: {SINGING TO TUNE OF "READING RAINBOW THEME"} Take a look. It's in a book. But look up every now and again.

{GRAPHIC OF NBC'S "THE MORE YOU KNOW" PROMO}

Graham: I hope they tell the author. I would take that as a mark of personal pride that my book was so captivating that someone would forget the passage of time.

Tally: Maybe it was a science fiction book ABOUT the passage of time.

Graham: Oh, that's meta. And then-then he puts the book down and realizes he's locked in and goes, "But I've only been reading for five minutes." Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom.

Tally: What KIND of science fiction was it exactly. Because, as I recall, some of those steamy space sex scenes with the tentacled alien ladies can be really absorbing...

{GRAPHIC OF NBC'S "THE MORE YOU KNOW" PROMO...OVERLAID WITH "WAIT NO. TALLY NO" AND SWITCHING TO CHANNEL TWO'S "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES" GRAPHIC WITH A CRASH SFX}

Graham: In that you get absorbed by the tentacles, yes.

Tally: Look, I was 14 years old in the middle of the Midwest, OK? There wasn't that much to do.

Kathleen: Regardless about what this guy was reading, I feel a little bit of blame also falls on the shop owner. So if, you know, you got your customer in the back, he's reading and he's engrossed and he goes up to PAY for his books and he realizes there's nobody there and the shop is locked. And there's no cell phone number for the owner. So, after trying to use the upstairs fire exit - which has a non-functioning ladder - he has to call police to try and get him out. And the police decided, "Y'know what? Let's just wait. How long could it be?" An hour-and-a-half!

Graham: Wait, this was the middle of the day?! Do those little "Back In" signs even go UP to 90 minutes?

Tally: OK, forget about the guy who got locked in the bookstore. NOW, the interesting question is: what kind of sci-fi porn was the MANAGER going off to read?

Graham: Who's running this store, Bernard Black?! This is literally an episode of "Black Books"!

Kathleen: Well, THAT explains why the shopkeeper was so distracted: he had Dave's Syndrome"! {SWINGS FIST} References!

{SCENE OF MEME-TIC "DAVE'S SYNDROME" SEGMENT OF "BLACK BOOKS" WITH MUSIC FOR "THE MORE YOU KNOW IN THE BACKGROUND"}

Kathleen: A German court has upheld a landlady's right to evict a tenant for using...WHAT?

Graham: {CROSSING FINGERS WITH EYES CLOSED} Please say the passive voice...

Tally: I had a problem like that once when I left the sink running by accident. I mean, I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a water feature in an apartment; they're all the rage these days. But, my landlord wasn't on board.

Graham: ICQ? Because, c'mon, get with the program. AIM is where it's at.

Tally: German? 'Cause, I mean, most of the Germans I know are REALLY, really big on practicing their English...all the time.

Kathleen: Honestly, I'm a little disappointed in both of you. You should know your "Feed Dump German stereotype" by now. It was an extremely old and squeaky sex chair swing.

Tally: Vas ist dendas! Do they not sell LUBE in Germany?! C'mon!

Graham: Maybe that was the problem. Maybe they mislabeled their water- vs. oil-based lubricants, used the WATER-based lube on the swing (uselessly) and then used the OIL-based lube on the "sexy times", ruining their three-headed dildo.

Kathleen: {OFFSCEEN, INCREDULOUSLY} Where do you put the third head?!?

Graham: If you don't know that, I don't wanna play this game with you. {BREAKS}

Tally: I'm on Etsy. I understand that "vintage" is really, really in right now. But SOME things are just better new.

{CUT TO KATHLEEN HOLDING AN iPHONE}

Kathleen: {HOLDING iPHONE} According to the court in Munich, {READS FROM iPHONE} the man installed the, quote, {AIR-QUOTES WITH ONE HAND} "very old" chain swing set in his apartment in 2012 and regularly disturbs his neighbors with {AIR-QUOTES WITH ONE HAND} "sexual athletic and squeaky noises" late into the night. {LAUGHS} So...bad neighbor...good lay!

Graham: {AS HARDWARE STORE WORKER} Made out of chain? Sounds like a pretty heavy sex swing there. Of course, you're gonna want to be using a six-to-eight-inch, uh, bolt there with a, y'know, tension lugnut; make sure it don't, uh, pop out. Also, be sure you're finding, like, a solid, y'know, structural beam there. You don't to put that thing through drywall; that'd get you in real trouble.

Tally: Look, we all have fond memories of our "Jolly Jumpers" but you can really take childhood nostalgia way too far.

Graham: Hang on. So it was, like, wild, athletic squeaking noises and heavy breathing and possible moaning and, like, chains being moved around? {ROLLS HIS EYES} He's just into CrossFit!

Tally: Or, the Ghost of Sexual Encounters Past.

Kathleen: {WEARING A SHEET OVER HER HEAD AND SHAKING A PLASTIC CHAIN} Scro-o-o-o-o-o-o-oge! You will be visited by three ghosts! They all have VD!

{WITHOUT SHEET AND CHAIN} Dateline: Durham, England. The police are mystified after a brazen broad daylight robbery where a man stole 10 cans of beer dressed in a penguin onesie.

Tally: Ooo, ooo, ooo! Most important question about this: where can I get a penguin onesie?!

Graham: {CONFIDENT} I will bet you those were not his first beer of the day.

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Officers have released images of this suspect shoplifter who was captured on CCTV before he took flight...{CHUCKLING}...but not actually "took flight" because he was dressed as a penguin...and also a man.

Graham: Is the image they released just, like, the picture of someone off of one of those costume websites? Like, it's just-it's a guy in a penguin suit. It could be ANY guy in a penguin suit. I think you should just narrow it down to guys who own penguin suits. There can't be that many in Durham.

Tally: No, it's the guy in the penguin suit who's carrying beer as a penguin would. Y'know how they put their eggs between their little flippers then they waddle like this with that between their ankles? That would be pretty easy to spot.

Graham: If more drunk people would waddle, they'd probably fall down less.

Tally: Don't drink and drive. But drinking and waddling? Pretty good choice.

Graham: I...don't think it's a choice.

Kathleen: According to acting inspector Vicki Guthrie, {READS FROM iPHONE} "he would be quite conspicuous and made off on foot so he may have come to the attention of someone in the area." {BREAKS} No shit!

Graham: {POINTING AT IMAGINARY THINGS} Milkman, post box, man in a penguin suit, dog, bobbie... perfectly normal-looking English street.

Tally: This what life will be if you just wing it on a Friday night.

{AWKWARD PAUSE}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Goddamn it!

{TALLY BREAKS INTO LAUGHS AS CAMERA PANS AWKWARDLY TOWARDS GRAHAM}

Graham: See, he stole this from a Sainsbury's which was smart because, at a Waitrose or a Marks and Spencer's, they won't LET people dressed like penguins into the store. But, at a Tesco or an Asda, someone that dressed-up is well out of place.

{GRAPHIC OF NBC'S "THE MORE YOU KNOW" PROMO}

Kathleen: And, with that shameless pandering to our UK fans, we'll call this episode of Feed Dump to a close. But, wait, we have something very Canadian! {HOLDS UP BULBOUS ITEM PAINTED WITH A SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS LOGO AND COLORS} This thing. It's a Saskatchewan Roughriders...thing. Bowling pin? NO! It's a hat! Check this out. {STRETCHES BOTTOM OF ITEM ON TOP OF HEAD TO MAKE IT BECOME A RIMMED HAT} Heh-heh-heh? Heh! That's right! Go Roughriders! Which seems like an incredibly inappropriate name for a football team! Like, wow...like the kind of thing you'd see in a German sex swing shop. And on a cold Canadian field in the winter? {PUTS FINGER TO MOUTH IN THOUGHT}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN}: Rider pride!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF GRAHAM BEING TAPED...BUT SLIGHTLY OFF-CENTER. GRAHAM LOOKS LEFT AND RIGHT ODDLY}

Graham: Is it...?

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} It's going.

Graham: Am I off-center?

{CAMERA GETS ADJUSTED}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Yes.

Graham: Hey.

{CUT TO KATHLEEN GETTING OUT FROM UNDER THE SHEET FROM BEFORE. TALLY LAUGHS IN THE BACKGROUND. KATHLEEN FINALLY GETS OUT AND BLOWS THE HAIR FROM HER FACE AS THE CAMERA RE-FOCUSES}

Kathleen: {WITH MEAN SMILE} It was me all the time, you meddling kids!