The Cray Scale Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- The Cray Scale

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump ninety-nine! I'm Graham, and joining me this week is the long-awaited combination of Kathleen,

Kathleen: Long awaited by us, but maybe not you.

Graham: and James.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} I'm not even supposed to be here today.

Graham: And let's get right to the news!

{TITLE: NO FOOLING AROUND! GET STRAIGHT TO THE NEWS (SUBTITLE: SERIOUS BUSINESS, YO)}

Graham: When police and game officials were trying to hunt down a rogue moose in Vermont, it lead them to a marijuana grow op.

Kathleen: Yeah. That's cool.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Isn't that what mooses are supposed to do?

Graham: You guys are supposed be funny. {SNAPS FINGERS} Get it together.

Kathleen: But Graham, you don't understand! James and I were trying to do, like, a post-modern commentary on expectations versus results, and by asking us be funny you've ruined it.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Also I said mooses which sounds kinda funny to me.

{SHOT OF JAMES AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. JAMES IS WEARING RED REINDEER ANTLERS AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES}

James: {WEARING RED REINDEER ANTLERS AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES} {STONED} Hey man, I'm a stoned moose.

Kathleen: James, those are reindeer antlers.

James: {WEARING RED REINDEER ANTLERS AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES} Just GO with me on this, it's all we have.

Kathleen: {LOOKS AT CAMERA, SHAKES HEAD}

James: {WEARING RED REINDEER ANTLERS AND AVIATOR SUNGLASSES} {STONED} Four twenty and stuff, I guess.

{KATHLEEN GIVES A THUMBS DOWN}

Graham: A biochemistry professor from the University of Saskatchewan is theorizing that there could be health benefits to pickin' your nose and eating it.

Kathleen: And he can theorize that as long as he wants, because I am not testing it.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} {PICKS NOSE, LOOKS AT IT, EATS IT} Sorry, what was that I wasn't listening.

Graham: His theory is that by consuming the pathogens caught within the mucus, we can be teaching our immune system more about the diseases that could surround us.

Kathleen: Whoa, it's not, it's not like the shit has had no interaction with us whatsoever. It was inside my nose! My immune system's gotten a taste of it, and is like "no! Get rid of it! Put it in mucus and get, get it out!"

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} {HAS HIS FINGER UP NOSE, REMOVES IT, LOOKS AT IT, PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH} Hm! The left side tastes sweeter than the right.

Kathleen: I thought me and Matt had a talk to you about why you shouldn't be snorting powdered sugar up your nose.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} And I ignored you.

Kathleen: I feel this is an appropriate time to cut away to the worst episode of intervention ever.

{TITLE: IIIIIIT'S THE WORST EPISODE OF INTERVENTION EVER.}

{SHOT OF JAMES AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. JAMES IS WEARING JAMES' HAT AND HAS HIS LEGS CROSSED}

Kathleen: James, we found the dozen cake donuts.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} So?

Kathleen: They used to be powdered, didn't they?

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Can't prove anything. {PUTS HIS FINGER UP HIS NOSE, EATS IT}

Kathleen: Urrblaurgh! {THROWS HER HANDS UP TO SHEILD HERSELF FROM THE GROSS}

Graham: Yeah that was a terrible episode of intervention. I don't think you solved his problem at all!

Kathleen: Hey look, it's not my problem HIS problem is being disgusting!

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} It's not my problem you find it disgusting! Hey Graham, is there anything in there about sharing snot? Because I'd be willing to try yours if you want to try mine.

{PAN TO KATHLEEN, WHO IS CLUTCHING HER COAT AROUND HER}

Kathleen: AAAAAHAUGHHH NO

Graham: You may have a real problem with other people's snot, Kathleen. This might be time for: ANOTHER worst episode of intervention ever.

{TITLE: IIIIIIT'S THE WORST EPISODE OF INTERVENTION EVER.}

{SHOT OF JAMES AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. JAMES IS WEARING JAMES' HAT}

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} I... I think you have a problem.

Kathleen: {NODS} I legitimately do have a problem, yeah.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Look, here, {PUTS HIS FINGER UP HIS NOSE, REMOVES IT, OFFERS IT TO HER} I'll try it, it's really not that bad.

Kathleen: {COUGHS, RECOILS TO THE FAR SIDE OF THE COUCH GAGGING AND COUGHING}

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} {CONTINUES OFFERING IT TO HER} It's really okay!

Kathleen: {CONTINUES TO COUGH, GETS OFF THE COUCH AND ABSCONDS} No no no no.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} You just need to face your fear!

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} {DISTANT} NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} It's okay!

Graham: A California woman is facing attempted murder charges after trying to sneak into a Starbucks and replace bottles of orange juice with bottles laced with lethal doses of rubbing alcohol.

Kathleen: Holy shit! Okay, like, I have a whole spectrum of cray that I classify Feed Dump stories as, but usually just goes from "girrrrlllll, slow down, people gonna think you cray," to "bitch be trippin'!" but I have had to extend the spectrum for this woman, right to {HIGH PITCHED} "WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BITCH!"

Graham: And really, hasn't OJ killed enough people?

James: {OFFSCREEN} TOO SOON!

Graham: No it's not!

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} So police haven't figured out a motive yet. But I'm guessing maybe they just messed up her drink?

Kathleen: On the Cray Scale, that registers as {HIGH PITCHED} "Girrrrrl! {LOW PITCHED} Whoaaaaa."

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Or perhaps she's a fan of rival chain Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

Kathleen: If that's the case, that bumps her all the way up to "LAAAAAADY! Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA whoa!" on the Cray Scale.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Or, and this one's kinda weird, the Starbucks mermaid in the logo came to her in a dream and told her to do it.

Kathleen: For those of you playing the home game, that puts you at the very far end of the Cray Scale, otherwise known as {SHOUTING} "BITCH NO!!!"'

Graham: Prison inmates in the US have found a new outlet to express displeasure of their living conditions. They're going on Yelp.

Kathleen: {WEARING BRIGHT ORANGE HOODIE, TYPING ON RED-CASED IPAD} South Carolina state penitentiary: unfriendly guards... boring, uninspired food menu... C-minus. Would not commit a felony to enter again.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Man, if everybody in prison has comfy coats and iPads, sign me up!

Kathleen: {WEARING BRIGHT ORANGE HOODIE, TYPING ON RED-CASED IPAD} In addition, facility provides poorly fitting clothes {LIFTS UP ARM TO SHOW LOOSE HOODIE SLEEVE} and iPad smart case cover clashes terribly. Seriously? Red and orange? What were they thinking?!

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Alright so you're telling me that these guys presumably get a finite amount of time online, and they choose to spend it writing reviews on Yelp that will have no effect on anything whatsoever.

Graham: Some of the prisons aren't even doing that badly. Uh, one of them, the cons, {READING FROM IPAD} "lots of people, way over-crowded, death row has something like six hundred people, the stench is horrendous especially in the mess hall." Pros, "cool location, air conditioning not necessary, great view if you can get it, has a hospital, uh, industries to make office furniture, offers a prison university, nice gardening in the courtyard and a few other nooks." This sounds like a bed and breakfast I wouldn't mind staying at if there was a few less people.

Kathleen: I don't know about you, but I would also prefer that my b and b did not come with a death row.

James: {WEARING JAMES' HAT} Although depending on their rates, not really a deal-breaker.

Graham: After this I might start looking for good places to commit crimes. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON PSYCHONAUTS G-MAN HAT} this hat! I don't know where it's from, but... I like it.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: Ooughhh, like I would like, sick just thinking about that, ughh. {GAGS, COUGHS} Sorry. {STICKS TONGUE OUT, GAGS AGAIN} And sh- should probably get this on film, that I am literally this disgusted.

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} I'm rollin'.

Kathleen: Oh good, {LAUGHING} I'll put this as an outtake. Blarugh.