The Black Santa Xmas Special Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- The Black Santa Xmas Special

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. It's Christmas! Merry Christmas. You had a choice to spend either watching the Queen's speech, spending time with your family, or spending time with us and we think you made the right choice. We are a variety of presents under the tree. I am almost that thing you wanted but the slightly wrong size, color or flavor. Joining me this week is an iTunes gift card,

Kathleen: I'm the gift that says {SHRUGS} "I have no fucking clue what to get you!"

Graham: and that one present that's still labelled "From Santa."

Ash: Oh my God, you're not fooling anyone, Mom!

Graham: And being that is now December 25th, you may now open us? {FROWNS}

{TITLE: I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WOULD WORK AND I DON'T WANT TO IF YOU GET THIS AS A GIFT JUST RETURN IT (SUBTITLE: DON'T EXPLAIN IN THE COMMENTS PLEASE)}

Graham: A hundred and ten thousand cartons of bananas are sitting on a ship in a port in New York State, while Del Monte, who owns them, and Sea Trade, who transported them, argue in court over who let them go bad.

Kathleen: Well, I assure you they're not getting better while they argue.

{SHOT OF ASH AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. ASH IS WEARING A YELLOW CAP WITH BLACK PEAK AND HOLDING A CLIPBOARD}

Ash: {WEARING YELLOW CAP WITH BLACK PEAK} Well, there you have it. {HANDS CLIPBOARD TO KATHLEEN} One hundred and ten thousand crates of rotten bananas.

Kathleen: Wait, rotten?

Ash: {WEARING YELLOW CAP WITH BLACK PEAK} Yep, just like you ordered.

Kathleen: But our company is named Del Monte Fresh Fruits.

Ash: {WEARING YELLOW CAP WITH BLACK PEAK} But you checked the rotten box.

Kathleen: Why do you have a rotten box?

Ash: {WEARING YELLOW CAP WITH BLACK PEAK} I don't know, why did you sign it?

{WITHOUT HAT} Well, whoever wins that fight, we know who loses: whoever has to clean that ship.

Kathleen: No matter who wins in this, we know who loses: the thousands of tropical spiders waiting to bite people while they're hiding in cartons of bananas.

Ash: I've seen that movie, it was really good.

Graham: If someone in your neighborhood has a giant Santa Claus on their front lawn that is black, and because you're a racist that's a problem for you, do you speak in hushed tones among your racist friends? No. Do you write an anonymous letter to the local newspaper? No. Do you just tape a giant passive-aggressive note to the Santa's face? {NODS} Yeah. Well, that happened.

Ash: ...WHAT?!

Kathleen: If you have horrible racist neighbors, do you just talk quietly among your non-racist friends? No. Do you send a polite note to your community association saying that, you know, there may be some horrible racists in your neighborhood? No. Do you erect a gigantic black Santa just to troll them? Yeah.

Ash: Like, what are they thinking? What did the note even say? {MIMES WRITING LETTER} "Listen, I don't know what Coca-Cola bottle you're looking at, but..."

Graham: {HOLDING UP BLACK IPHONE} For reference, the note said {READING} "The original Santa was European, not African. This is not a race issue, just historical," underlined. "Santa is not black, he's white."

Kathleen: Hey guys, if you have any kids watching Feed Dump right now, you might wanna send them out of the room. Also, why are you letting your children watch this show? It's not fucking appropriate. But anyhow, now that the kids are gone... Hey, Santa's not real. Therefore he doesn't have a race. So shut the fuck up, you dumb fucking racists!

Ash: I hope they know that what they just said is "this is not a race issue, but here's my issue with this race."

Graham: That's a good point. It wasn't a race issue, but you've just made it one! So good job.

Kathleen: Hooray, racism for Christmas! The gift nobody wants! Like socks.

Graham: Actually, as I've gotten older, I've come to realize that getting socks for Christmas is not the worst thing. I mean, it's not the greatest... If I had to choose between socks and racism, I'd probably prefer socks.

Ash: Yes, some nice black socks.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Too soon!

Ash: {PUTS FINGER TO LIPS} Ssshhhhhhhh!

Graham: A massive highway project in Iceland has been delayed until their supreme court can look into it at the behest of the Friends of Lava, who are an environmental group citing the environmental impact, not the least of which is the massive impact on the habitat of Iceland's elves.

Ash: ...I don't even know what to say to that... {LAUGHS} {SUBTITLE: WATCH ASH'S BRAIN BREAK IN... 3 2 1} Did you say elves? {SUBTITLE: THERE IT GOES}

Kathleen: WHAT YEAR IS IT?!

Ash: Putting the elf thing aside for a moment, what exactly do they think the highway's gonna do to the elves?

Graham: I'm glad you asked. Well, according to the Friends of Lava, this particular highway will be going through a very dense elf habitat that is important because it also contains the site of an elf church.

Ash: ... {THINKS IT OVER} I can't. {BREAKS} I can't!

{KATHLEEN LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

{SHOT OF ASH AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA, LOOKING AT A CLIPBOARD}

Kathleen: Okay, why don't we build the highway from here to here?

Ash: No, there are too many elves living here. Uh, we could go this way though.

Kathleen: No, no, that's where vampires attack.

Ash: Oh, okay.

Kathleen: Ooh, ooh, what about from here to here?

Ash: No, I am confident there are werewolves there.

Kathleen: Oh, Iceland sucks for civic planning.

Ash: Yeah.

{SHOT OF JUST KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: Now, I understand that elves are very important to a lot of things: Toy making... Being insane... Invisibility. You know, whatever elves do, which I don't know what they do because they don't exist. But if this elf church is there, could you not give them a settlement of elf money to get them to move their church? You know, like you do when you build roads that intersect real people's habitats. In fact, because elves don't exist, you could give them non-existent money. Non-existent problem solved!

Graham: That's actually pretty much what they do. {READING FROM IPHONE} This comes up so often that the road and coastal administration has come up with a stock media response for elf inquiries, uh, that states that previously issues like that have been settled by delaying the construction projects until a point when the elves living there have supposedly moved on.

Kathleen: Hold on, hold on. How do they know the elves have moved on? If the elves are there, it's also very possible that there's one elf holdout who's like "hey you humans, get off my lava," and then you just pttth right over the bulldozer. Tragic.

Graham: {WEARING GREEN AND RED STRIPED ELF HAT WITH ELF EARS} {IN SQUEAKY ELF VOICE} I didn't sell when the Norse tried to settle here, and I'm not going to sell now!

Kathleen: {WEARING GREEN AND RED STRIPED ELF HAT WITH ELF EARS} {IN SQUEAKY ELF VOICE} The real victims here are elves with Range Rovers! How are we supposed to get around? This was gonna go straight to my house! God dammit.

Graham: {READING FROM IPHONE} {IN NORMAL VOICE} I'm just learning about other Icelandic traditions. At Christmas, today, Icelanders wait not only Santa Claus, but thirteen trolls known as the Yule Lads who come to town during the thirteen days before Christmas. Each has his own task p-putting rewards or punishments into the shoes of little children. They include Stubby who's extremely short and eats crusts left in pans, Pot-Scrapper who snatches leftovers, or Door-Slammer who likes to slam doors at night, 'cos you gotta have a hobby.

Kathleen: {IN NORMAL VOICE} You know what, this actually sounds whimsical and delightful. You know what, go for it, Iceland, whatever.

Ash: You could make a fantastic horror movie with those guys. They slam doors in the middle of the night and steal your food? ...It writes itself.

Kathleen: Far less whimsical and delightful now, Ash.

Ash: You could make up one more troll for the movie like, Stabby, who punches you while you're sleeping. I know it doesn't work, but the translation doesn't really.

Graham: Well, that's it for Feed Dump, but because it is Christmas {PICKS UP SHIPPING BOX} and because the UPS guy literally dropped this off moments before we recorded, uh, I'm gonna open this one up {STARTS TO CUT THE TAPE ON THE BOX} because, uh, the waybill says it contains a hat, which is uh, it couldn't be better timed. Uh, a wonderful Christmas present if ever there was one. {OPENS BOX} I've no idea what it looks like... Oh! Well, that's- that's just the best! {PULLS OUT HEADCRAB HAT} It's my very own headcrab! Well, thank you! {PUTS ON HEADCRAB HAT} I- Christmas came, on time. I was gonna say early, but no, 'cos it's Christmas today when you're watching this, not on Monday when we recorded it. Sorry, the crab's already gone to my head. Mmm-hmm. Nope, yeah, Graham isn't here anymore. Merry Christmas.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: {WEARING GREEN AND RED STRIPED ELF HAT WITH ELF EARS} {IN SQUEAKY ELF VOICE} I'll have you know as the gift distribution chief for Santa's Icelandic operation, I put a special present in every one of those highway planners' stockings. That's right, a big elfy triple-coiler.