That's How They Die! Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- That's How They Die!

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, because the Canadian Election was just called for October, this week to celebrate that great news, we're all Canadian political parties. I'm the Conservative Party otherwise known as "We are never ever ever getting back together." Joining me this week is the Green Party,

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I have exactly as many seats as they do!

Kathleen: And the Communist Party.

Cam: When there is a Florida man, I am of it. When there is an idiot, I am of low IQ. When there is a smuggled animal, I am not free.

Kathleen: Even I didn't get that reference.

{TITLE: IF YOU KNOW WHAT CAM'S REFERENCING, THAT'S NICE OF YOU DEAR}

Kathleen: Good news!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Uh oh!

Cam: That's a filthy lie.

Kathleen: No, actual good news. According to a new Harvard medical study, people who ate spicy food three times a week were fourteen percent less likely to die. Well, I mean they were still a hundred percent likely to die overall, but fourteen percent less likely to die suddenly.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Fourteen percent less likely to die from what?

Cam: Boredom-induced suicide.

Kathleen: So researchers followed five hundred thousand Chinese people for seven years and monitored what they ate. They found that people who ate spicy food at least three times a week were fourteen percent less likely to die during the course of the study than their less spicy food eating peers. I don't really know why the spicy food helped so much, but the consumption of chillis has been linked to a reduction in the rates of heart disease, diabetes, and cancer.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Who'd have thought those chair-searing chez wong farts were useful for something?

Cam: Has anyone considered that those very same chilli farts might be suppressing the lives of their non-spicy food eating neighbours, thereby artificially inflating their own lifespans?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {PUTS HANDS BY SIDES OF HIS HEAD THEN MOVES THEM APART IN AN EXPLOSION MIME, COMPLETE WITH EXPLOSION SOUND}

Cam: {SNAPS FINGERS AND POINTS MADLY AT ALEX} Exactly! That's how they die!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {TAKES OFF GLASSES AS HE SPEAKS But what kind of life did these spicy folk lead?

Cam: One never far from the toilet, presumably.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Welp. Cam, do you wanna get some curry?

Cam: What? No! This is a disaster! Statistically, I was only planning to live another twenty years! Now I have to take up smoking or something!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I don't think that's how that works.

Cam: Shut your fire hole! You're getting them on me.

Kathleen: From the department of "No seriously, we've done this story before", authorities in north-eastern Ohio arrested a man over the weekend because he was pretending to be a police officer to pull people over and then he pulled over a real police officer.

Cam: How do you even come up with an idea like this?

Evil Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} Oh, it's quite easy if you try!

Kathleen: The Franklin County, Kentucky sheriff's department is trying a new approach to crack down on drug dealers: they've put up a {SHOT OF THE AD IN QUESTION} Facebook ad offering to help people eliminate their competition.

Cam: What, was exercising the state's monopoly on violence not fun enough for them? Where do ideas like this even come from?

Evil Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} Guilty!

Cam: Oh, come on. Evil's supposed to be at least interesting. This is Wile E. Coyote tier bullshit right here.

Evil Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} {TALKING ON iPHONE} Yes, yes, and then you blat them over the head with an enormous wooden mallet. It's FOOLPROOF!

Cam: Wooden mallet, also a mind resistant to armoured vehicle.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That one's actually a repeating tear-gas launcher.

Cam: Yeah, sure, this is super cute on Facebook, but you know where it's gonna be even cuter? When a neighbour uses this to get the police to fire a grenade into the bedroom of somebody who used their leaf-blower at 5am on Sunday.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I guess it would be nice if there was at least a little bit more formality in using the local police force as your personal hit squad.

Cam: Imagine, if you will, a county's worth of shitty twelve-year-olds logging into their shitty mother's shitty Facebook accounts right now.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP BACKWARDS} {TYPING ON HIS iPHONE WHILE SPEAKING IN ANGRY CHILD'S TONE} Put me in the friend zone, I'll put you in the DANGER zone!

Cam: Like, we're joking about this, but actually institutionalising SWATing people through Facebook is crazy!

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

Cam: NO, NO, NO! {GRAPHIC CUTS OFF} No "More You Know"! Don't know more about this! This is BAD!

Evil Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} If you'd like to know more, like me on Facebook.

Kathleen: Yeah, maybe don't like, follow and subscribe to that particular social media channel. But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have the Devil. Well, I mean Evil Alex. And they don't have this hat... Hold on, hold on. {PICKS UP MASSIVE PAPIER MACHE ANGLERFISH COSTUME HEAD} Which my friend, Lindsey made for Halloween last year, and gave to me because she knows me and she is a good friend. {PUTS ON ANGLERFISH HEAD WITH SOME DIFFICULTY} I'm an anglerfish and I'm okay, I swim all day and I swim all night, and male anglerfish attach themselves to me because they're just floating sea testicles.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, WITH ALEX CREDITED AS "Alex T. Devilsworth-Steacey}

Cam: Oh, wait, is it actually the long-range microwave pain inducing compliance device?

Evil Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} It's the Black and Blue's brand new brown note!

Cam: For many of us, the Black and Blue's siren is already a brown note.