Thanks Obama Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Thanks Obama

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, we are bands that we... well, love? Like? Sure, we're bands. This week, I'm Tame Impala, and I was all excited to talk about their new album that's coming out but then I read that it's not coming til July and now I'm all sad. {SIGHS} Joining me this week are The Smiths,

Cam: My favorite food? {SCOFFS} I don't know, what do you have that's {SUBTITLE: THIS IS A COMPLICATED REFERENCE} bland, white and not terribly challenging?

Kathleen: And Kraftwerk.

Alex: {TURNS TO FACE CAMERA} Ve are ze Germans. Ze Germans.

{TITLE: WE DO ACTUALLY LIKE THESE BANDS}

Kathleen: Police in Barrie, Ontario, arrested a man after he was found roaming a residential neighborhood at 2 am this week, claiming that he would come back next full moon as a werewolf to get his revenge.

Cam: I can just see this guy's public defender being like... {TAKES A BREATH AND PUTS INDEX FINGERS TO MOUTH} "We're gonna need you to back off on the whole werewolf thing, just for a little while."

Alex: What's a werewolf doing in Barrie, Ontario? It's like the most boring place in Canada!

Cam: Are you kidding? There's like a billion more boring places to be in Canada than Barrie, Ontario.

Alex: Do they have werewolves too?

Cam: I have a feeling that adding werewolves makes a place inherently interesting, at least briefly.

Alex: Visit scenic Barrie, Ontario. Come for the werewolves, then leave also for the werewolves.

Cam: Note: Werewolves fictional.

Kathleen: When police arrested the man, they found out he was on probation and had orders not to consume drugs or carry weapons. He was arrested because he had violated both of those probation orders.

Alex: What kind of drugs does a werewolf take? And how much?

Cam: Straight up, two cups of blow. You don't want to be around when the lycanthropy wears off mid-bump.

Alex: Your head just detonates.

Cam: And that's why they call it blow.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

Kathleen: An Arizona woman was sentenced to three and a half years in prison this week for running over her husband with the family car because he didn't vote in the 2012 presidential election.

Alex: {SULKILY} Thanks, Obama!

Cam: Well, with good behavior, she'll be out in time to vote in the next election.

Kathleen: Actually, Cam... because the lady in question here, one Holly Nicole Solomon aged 31, plead guilty to two counts of aggravated assault, that makes her a Class 3 felon in Arizona and those people can't vote.

Alex: {HANDS IN HANDCUFFS} {ANGRILY} Thanks, Obama!

Kathleen: Actually, Alex, if I can just permit myself one more delicious nugget of irony in this story, um, this lady was mad at her husband because he didn't vote and she was afraid that Obama would get re-elected and that would be bad for her family, but it didn't matter because Romney won Arizona's electoral college votes anyway.

Cam: Well, at least the guy that got run over now has access to Obamacare.

Alex: {GRATEFULLY} Thanks, Obama!

Kathleen: Hello. {TENTS HER FINGERS MENACINGLY} Do you want to play a game?

Alex: OHHH-

Cam: -HELL NO!

Kathleen: Well, tough. It's time to play...

{TITLE: CAM AND ALEX HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT KATHLEEN IS TALKING ABOUT (Alex: What is she talking about? Cam: I don't know. This is every week. Alex: I can't read her at all. Cam: No. I don't know what's going on and I'm afraid.}

Kathleen: What made a Georgia man so angry he drove his truck from his front yard to his backyard by way of his living room?

Alex: He finally realized that nothing in life is truly permanent.

Cam: A squirrel ran into the house.

Alex: A critical misreading of Obamacare.

Cam: Episode 6 of Season 5 of Game of Thrones.

Alex: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

Cam: Eminent domain.

Kathleen: Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong and very wrong. The man actually gave people a variety of reasons, but the one he told, uh, local CBS affiliate WGCL was that it was just one of those wild and crazy "spur of the moment" things! Like you do!

Cam: No, that I actually understand! Coming from a man who pauses in front of every baby stroller to wonder "What would happen if I just vomited directly into it?" I get you.

Alex: Wait, that means I was correct! He's just a nihilist! What do I win?

Kathleen: Well, Alex, as the official quiz mistress of Feed Dump, I'm gonna give you a half point max for that, wasn't quite a match. But if you must have a prize, you can win the pride of understanding a crazy man from Georgia.

Cam: Ironic if you ask me that being a nihilist is actually a lot of work and very expensive.

Alex: On the bright side, free air conditioning.

Cam: Also, a bunch of free mental health assessments. That's not nothing.

Alex: It's good for the economy. A job was created... a job keeping that man from driving through houses.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND CAM. CAM IS MIMING DRIVING A CAR WHILE ALEX WATCHES HIM WARILY}

Cam: {LOOKS TO HIS LEFT} Hmmm...

Alex: {SMACKS CAM'S HAND JUST AS HE STARTS TO TURN} Hey, eh-eh-eh-eh!

{CAM RESIGNEDLY GOES BACK TO DRIVING NORMALLY AS ALEX POINTS A WARNING FINGER AT HIM}

Alex: Nihilism: the leading job creator in American society, or whatever.

{SHOT OF ALEX AND CAM. ALEX IS FLICKING THROUGH HIS iPHONE}

Cam: It is as Camus said: {"AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" STARTS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND} "Life is absurd, meaningless, ultimately futile in the face of an enormous and uncaring universe that does not even perceive our existence." {THROWS AWAY CIGARETTE-SHAPED PAPER ROLL}

Alex: {LOOKING AT HIS PHONE} Heh, it's my favorite Obama meme! {SHOWS IT TO CAM}

Cam: Oh I love that one. He's so photogenic.

Kathleen: Well, we're not gonna top that uplifting moment, I don't think, so we're just gonna call this episode to a close. But remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PICKS UP BROWN TOP HAT COVERED IN CHICKEN WIRE WITH FAKE MONEY ON ITS BRIM AND FURTHER MONEY FORMING A FAN} this hat, which appeared mysteriously in an unlabeled bag at the Moonbase door and is terrifying. But according to the label inside, it comes from The Old Victoria Pimped Hat Co., by K. Kennedy, Proprietress. So, {DONS HAT} there we go. It's like Steampunk Pimp. I feel Victorian and yet... bad.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cam: From home repair to hellfire missiles back to home repair again, we keep America's economy afloat, for reasons we don't fully appreciate or care about.