Stralia! Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump - Stralia!

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump...this week brought to you from the "Lunar Module" in anticipation of "Desert Bus 10", which starts tomorrow morning at 10am(PST), by the way. You can watch on {SUPERIMPOSED TITLE BENEATH KATHLEEN WITH THE ADDRESS AS SHE SAYS IT} Twitch.tv/desertbus. This week, in an attempt to escape all sorts of things (for no particular reason) {BRIEF SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: "Thanks America"}, we're doing an Australian special! And joining me is a "koala"...

Serge: The majestic koala, also know as the "drop bear". Cuddly but vicious.

Kathleen: ...and a "wallaby".

Jordan: I'm new here and I don't know what I look like.

{TITLE: IT'S JUST A SMALL KANGAROO, JORDAN (PICTURE OF ONE SUPERIMPOSED NEAR THE END)}

Kathleen: A guerrilla tourism marketing agency has decided that the Northern Territories needs to spice up its marketing attempts. So they've unveiled a new slogan: {SHOT OF SAID ACTUAL SLOGAN} "C U in the N.T.".

Jordan: It's a C-U-N-T...on a mound.

Serge: Mistakes like this is why you hire professional designers.

Kathleen: {LOOKING AT BOTH TO HER RIGHT} Oh, no...they did. This whole campaign was created by a group called "NT Official" (which, despite their name, has NO ties to the government of the Territories). They just really feel that people should go visit the Northern Territories. So much so, this is a direct quote from their spokesman: {READS FROM iPHONE} "We want people to recognize that, if they want to go to the NT, they shouldn't hesitate! They should just go and tell their friends to {SHOT OF SLOGAN AGAIN} 'C U in the N.T.'"

Jordan: Holy shit! They're doing this for the "exposure"!

Serge: And an important reminder, kids: never show strangers your C-U-N-T.

{TITLE: THIS EPISODE IS ONLY GOING DOWNHILL FROM HERE}

Kathleen: Brisbane police made an unusual find when they asked a 50-year-old woman if she had anything to declare. She did. What did she hand over?

Serge: Please don't tell me it was deadly, poisonous spiders 'cause they're everywhere.

Jordan: Well, there's just so much variety. You could have a brown one or a black one or a red one or the scorpions...

Serge: There's also poisonous snakes...shit, she pulled out a poisonous snake...what is hell is WRONG with this country?!

Jordan: Do they have poisonous koalas?

Serge: She pulled out her offspring. Like a kangaroo. Wait, are Australians actually kangaroos?

Jordan: She pulled out a shrimp-off-the-barbie.

Serge: Wait, does that mean that Australians are also barbecues? I am so confused...

Kathleen: Ten points to Gryffindor...at least, I think that would be Jordan's house...he's a first-time Feed Dump co-host so I don't really know. But I have Jordan as the closest because she handed over a zipped canvas bag and said it contained a baby koala.

Jordan: I strongly identify as the Hufflepuff that I've been sorted into!

Kathleen: Fine, then, badger-enthusiast or whatever the fuck the Hufflepuff spirit animal is! I'll tell you what the SLYTHERIN spirit animal is: it's "not giving a shit about how you feel about what house you're sorted into"...unless it's Slytherin. Uh, she was carrying around the koala because she found it...uh, and she had been caring for it? She was arrest(ed) on {FINGER QUOTES} "outstanding matters", which is Australian for..."outstanding matters", I guess.

Serge: So, Good Samaritan finds an injured baby koala on the ground, rescues it and you don't wipe out their entire criminal record?!? What the HELL is wrong with your justice system, Australia?! For shame!!

Jordan: But, Serge, they're ALL criminals. It's Australia.

{BRIEF TEST PATTERN, FOLLOWED BY SHOT OF BOTH SERGE AND JORDAN}

Serge: Australia, I'm sorry that we're making fun of you. But I know that you know that we know that you know that we still love you, right?

{JORDAN LOOK QUESTIONINGLY AT SERGE}

Kathleen: Police in Melbourne are hunting for Santa...because he robbed a post office.

Jordan: Now, when you say "hunting", are we talking manhunt with dogs and whistles and sirens...or is there just some dude with a bow and arrow looking for Santa?

Serge: {IN BAD STEVE IRWIN ACCENT} Crickey! Today, we're hunting Santas! You can track 'em pretty easy. {SNIFFS} You smell that? Milk and cookies.

{BRIEF TEST PATTERN, FOLLOWED BY SHOT OF BOTH KATHLEEN AND JORDAN}

Kathleen: Australia, I just want you to know that, despite the accent Serge just did, that you know that we know that you know that we still love you.

Jordan: {CONFUSED} Do we?

{SHOT OF BLACK SCREEN WITH "Please write to:" ON IT, EERIE MUSIC IN BACKGROUND}

Kathleen: {IN BACKGROUND} If YOU would like to complain about the Australian accidents in this episode, {"Crododile Dundee LOL LOL Stralia!" APPEARS} please write to: {ADDRESS APPEARS AS READ} 123 Budgerigar Lane, WollongongDidgerydooDollaryDoos, Crickey! Knifey, Spoony, Australia, Ottawa, Canada.

{BACK TO SET}

Kathleen: OK, we're having a lot of fun here with Serge's accent problems but what we're REALLY missing is the key point of: "who robs a post office"?

Jordan: I've GOT it! Santa!

Kathleen: Normally, I would be disappointed but, at this point, I'm just happy that you guys were paying attention at SOME point during this episode.

Jordan: THERE we go, Kathleen. We solved the mystery.

Kathleen: Good enough! And, with that, we call this special all-Australian edition of Feed Dump to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news, but they don't have...{DONS A GREY AND RED KNITTED TOQUE WITH REINDEER UPON IT}...THIS hat...which, since we are not at the Moonbase, is actually just my friend Joe's hat. And you will note that it has jaunty reindeer on it, making this the first time a hat has ever been thematically appropriate to a Feed Dump. Yes, this reindeer-themed hat is thematically appropriate to our all-Australian Feed Dump...

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF SERGE}

Serge: Who doesn't proofread these things?!

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} No, it's on...it's on PURPOSE, Serge.

Serge: Well, wasn't there a university that was, like, the "University of N.T." and then they had, like the cup/mug that attached to it and they ran into the same issue?

Jason Chinnock, the cameraman: {WITH SUBTITLES, AS IT WAS A BIT QUIET} That's MY university.

{EVERYONE CRACKS UP UNTIL TEST PATTERN SHOWS}

Jordan: {SINGING} And when push comes to shove/I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love!

{CAMERA PANS BETWEEN JORDAN AND SERGE AS THEY 'DA DA DA' THE BRIDGE}