Sex, Politics and Bacon Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Sex, Politics and Bacon

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. It's the first day of fall today and in honor of that, we are all pumpkin spice. I'm pumpkin spice anal suppositories because a little bit of pumpkin spice is nice! {WINKS WITH A "DING" SOUND EFFECT} Joining me this week is pumpkin spice anti-tank rounds,

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} The mangled remains of the tank crew smell like pie.

Kathleen: And just pumpkin spice.

Graham: Like pumpkin "spice". Like melange... the-the spice out of Dune. The pumpkin spice must flow. The Bene Gesserit are wearing leggings and uggs, and it's fall everywhere!

{TITLE: YES. THANK YOU GRAHAM. WE GET IT.}

Kathleen: So... in case you haven't heard, or if you did hear and just thought people were somehow trying to do like an Onion thing and failing because it was way too obvious and stupid, David Cameron apparently stuck his penis inside the head of a dead pig. That's a real thing that happened. This is Earth. {SHRUGS} This is the idiocracy timeline. Hurray.

Graham: Usually on Feed Dump, we don't like to do stories that you would have heard literally everywhere else, but {POINTS AT CAMERA} we brake for necro-bestiality!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Necro-Bestiality is the name of my Cannibal Corpse cover band.

Graham: As Cam observed, the weirdest thing about this is not that he put his dick inside the mouth of a dead pig. And it's also not that other members of his party have responded to this allegation like "...Well, yeah." It's that they think everyone has fucked a dead pig at least once and that we're the hypocrites for making a big deal out of it.

Kathleen: Okay, I have two observations. One: Alex, that's actually a weak AF name for a metal band, they probably have a readable logo. {BLOWS RASPBERRY WHILE GIVING A THUMBS DOWN} And two: look, I consider myself a fun loving person, but I have never fucked a dead pig so... ehhh. {SHRUGS}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} This David Cameron story has just been a limitless gold mine of comedy because it's a confluence of politics, sex and bacon.

Graham: Allegedly this was part of basically an induction into... what is essentially a frat for adults, the idea being that everyone in this organisation of powerful people had blackmail material on everyone else in the organisation. How short a straw do you have to draw to get "fuck the dead pig"?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} And how dumb do you have to be to join an organisation whose premise is "We can blackmail you later"?

Graham: {SHRUGS} Dumb enough to put your dick in a pig.

{"THE MORE YOU KNOW" GRAPHIC}

Kathleen: An Oklahoma man returning home from his drunken birthday was surprised to find out he had been shot twice.

Graham: I mean, I'd be surprised. That's surprising.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP SIDEWAYS AND HOLDING A HAND OVER A PRETEND WOUND, ACTING LIKE THE MAN IN QUESTION} No, no, man, tha-thank you. Thank-thank you. {MOVES HAND AWAY TO LOOK AT IT} I think I'm bleeding out.

Graham: That's why you don't usually wear red on your birthday in Oklahoma.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Were the bullets maybe etched with the words "happy" and "birthday"?

Graham: Was the party at least at a gun range? I don't know what Oklahoma's like, maybe they have gun ranges at the Chuck E. Cheese. But the point is, was he somewhere where there should have been guns?

Kathleen: Well, the obvious joke is yes, they were in America. {SMILES AS WE HEAR A LOUD CAWING NOISE} {SUBTITLE: THAT WAS THE SOUND OF A BALD EAGLE, BTW.} Uh, but no, here's what happened: they were at a pool hall celebrating the birthday boy's party, and uh, the birthday boy and his brother realised "Whoa, we are too drunk to drive" and got a friend to drive them home. So on their way home, they heard some popping noises, didn't think anything of it. When they exited the vehicle, they noticed the vehicle had holes in it, and then the birthday boy noticed that he himself had holes in himself, he had an entrance wound in the back of his shoulder and an exit wound in the front of his shoulder. And then his mum drove him to the hospital where they found another bullet lodged in his butt.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I hope whoever shot him got a refund on those bullets. Fucker didn't even notice them for half an hour.

Graham: So the question is, which would you least want to do at a party? Get shot twice, or put your dick inside the mouth of a dead pig?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} This is why I hate parties, there's just so much peer pressure to drink or get shot or fuck a pig...

{BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: No! No more David Cameron jokes. #Hameron is over! {SUBTITLE: #HAMERON} Anyhow, meanwhile in Pennsylvania, a man who told the court that it was not him, it was, in fact, his evil twin brother who had robbed ten convenient stores and gas stations, was sentenced to sixty years in prison for robbery.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} What would be awful is if we was actually telling the truth and just got put in the can for sixty years for nothing.

Graham: Some people have twins. No one actually has {FINGER-QUOTES} " an evil twin".

Evil Alex: {WEARING DEVIL HORNS OVER BLACK CAP} Are you so sure?

Graham: No, I'm not saying that you can't have a pair of twins where one of them is an asshole. I'm saying that a literal evil version of a person is not a real thing.

Evil Alex: {WEARING DEVIL HORNS OVER BLACK CAP} Nonsense. {POINTS TO CAMERA} Stay woke, sheeple.

Graham: I mean, I'll give him this. It's not often you see someone employing the Shaggy defence.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} What, from Scooby-Doo?

Graham: No, the-the reggae pop artist, Shaggy? Uh, Mr Lover-Lover? Mr Boombastic? No? Anyone? Shaggy? He had a song called "It Wasn't Me", and the guy comes to him for advice, he's like "She saw me cheating on her" and Shaggy's like "It wasn't me. You just say that, you say it wasn't me." And he's like "But she saw me do it." "It wasn't me." "She stood there and watched me the whole time." "It wasn't me." "She literally has video of me doing this!" "It wasn't me." {SHRUGS} Works out fine for them in the video.

Kathleen: Viewers, this is a valuable lesson that teaches you the difference between real life and Shaggy music videos, because, in real life, all ten of this person's robberies were caught on video and the "it wasn't me" defence did not work.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Denial is the most powerful force in the Universe.

Graham: Uh, no, it's the longest river.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {ANGRILY} I will shred you, dry you, use you as insulation!

Graham: Do you think the evil twin defence would be convincing enough for if you've allegedly had sex with a dead pig?

Kathleen: And we're done here. Look, there may be better sources, but they don't have endless David Cameron jokes- Actually, that's not true, everybody has endless David Cameron jokes this week. Uh, but you know, going forth, they won't have as many- that's-that's probably not true either, but okay. There may be better sources of news, but they don't have this hat {PUTS ON TINY MAD HATTER FASCINATOR} which is a tiny Mad Hatter fascinator and it's quite autumnal, so it goes with our theme. Our theme of pumpkin spice, not David Cameron's genitals and their relation to a deceased pig. No more David Cameron jokes!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: What this is demonstrating to me is that I have no idea what a gun sounds like in real life. Any noise outside my apartment from a bird hitting the glass to an electrical transformer exploding and I'm like "Was that a gun?" Turns out they sound like breakfast cereal.