Sewer Dweller Attacks Restaurant Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Sewer Dweller Attacks Restaurant

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, we are ideas for Halloween costumes. I am NOT going as Ebola, 'cos it's not funny. Joining me this week is a Kardashian,

Kathleen: Justify all those slutty clothes you bought on sale!

Graham: And a zombie businessman.

Serge: It's just clothes I already had, but now I'm a zombie.

Graham: {WHISPERS} Lazy!

{TITLE: AND I WILL BE A SPOOKY TITLE SCREEN (OH, ALSO I'M SELF-AWARE NOW, HELLO)

Graham: Some diners at a West Village restaurant in New York City were startled when a man emerged from the sewers, threw a couple of smoke bombs into the restaurant and then was gone again as fast as he had appeared.

Kathleen: Morlock rights! {THROWS FIST IN AIR}

Serge: So there's like a real ninja restaurant in New York City, like was this a server who just got lost on the way to work and was like "Hey, I'm here- Oh shit! Smoke bomb!"

Kathleen: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles isn't nearly as fun when it's just Middle-aged Alcoholic Homeless Humans. {SINGS TO THE TUNE OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES THEME SONG} Middle-aged Alcoholic Homeless Humans, Mi- It doesn't even scan.

Graham: {SINGS TO THE TUNE OF THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES THEME SONG} Heroes in a half-bag, bottoms up!

Serge: {HEAD IN HANDS} {SIGHS IN DISAPPOINTMENT}

{SHOT OF SERGE AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH}

Kathleen: You know, Serge, a couple of Feed Dumps ago, you would have been horrified and now you're just disappointed. {PUTS ARM AROUND SERGE'S SHOULDERS} You're one of us now... You're so awful.

Serge: {SOBS SILENTLY}

Graham: A California man was surprised when his African Grey parrot, Nigel, was reunited with him after four years, now speaking Spanish and asking for someone named Larry.

Serge: I wonder where he went.

Kathleen: Just gonna go out on a limb here and say... {SHRUGS} Larry's house?

Serge: Nigel, quiere una caenta? {BEAT} {SHRUGS} I don't speak Spanish.

Kathleen: {IN SPANISH ACCENT} Also Nigel thinks you're an asshole! That's why I left, gringo!

Graham: That would be especially impressive since, before he went missing, the bird had a British accent.

Serge: This is amazing! This is the world's first bilingual parrot?

Kathleen: Wouldn't they all be bilingual because they already speak parrot?

Serge: {CLAPS} Yay, finally a story where somebody doesn't die!

Kathleen: Now, Serge, I rarely pick stories where people die. Maimed horribly due to their own stupidity, that's fair game!

Graham: Yeah, we only do stories about people dying on Feed Dump if there's an important life lesson to be learned, or if it's REALLY funny.

A man has been transported to a hospital in Calgary, Alberta, after being attacked by a grizzly bear and then shot by his friend who was trying to get the bear off him.

Serge: That's really horrible.

Kathleen: {LEANING INTO SHOT} But it's not morbid 'cos he's still alive! {MUGS, THUMBS-UP}

Serge: No, it's still bad.

Kathleen: Hmmm, seems suspicious to me. I bet that bear and other hunter were in on it together.

{SHOT OF SERGE AND KATHLEEN ON THE COUCH. SERGE IS WEARING THE BEAR HAT. KATHLEEN IS WEARING THE MWI PUMP RENTAL CAMOUFLAGE HAT AND HOLDING A SHOTGUN}

Kathleen: {WEARING MWI PUMP RENTAL CAMOUFLAGE HAT, HOLDING SHOTGUN} I reckon old Henry's got somethin' coming to him. {COCKS SHOTGUN}

Serge: {WEARING BEAR HAT} Okay. I maul, we split fifty-fifty.

Kathleen: {WEARING MWI PUMP RENTAL CAMOUFLAGE HAT, HOLDING SHOTGUN} Mmmmm, I'm thinking more seventy-thirty.

Serge: {WEARING BEAR HAT} ...I'm a bear.

Kathleen: {WEARING MWI PUMP RENTAL CAMOUFLAGE HAT, HOLDING SHOTGUN} Fifty-fifty it is!

Graham: If you're a Finnish ex-patriot living in Maine, you probably already know all about this. But for the rest of us, fun fact: it was recently the fifteenth annual North American wife-carrying championships. And yes, it's exactly what it sounds like.

Serge: So like, she's not very good at League of Legends and you have to... carry her? I really don't understand.

Graham: No, this has nothing to do with jungling. This is a Finnish tradition inspired by a spurious piece of folklore that is an obstacle course around which a bunch of dudes carry their wives, or- although it- they don't strictly have to be married.

Serge: So it's a metaphor. So like, the obstacles are life challenges, and you carry each other 'cos you're a team.

Graham: {DOUBTFULLY} Yeah, metaphor. {READS FROM WHITE iPHONE 6} The two hundred and seventy-eight yard course had "the steep slope" of parenthood, and "the log hurdles" of... mortgage and tax problems, and "the pit filled knee-high with muddy water"... of getting old together. {BEAT} I think it's just a feat of strength.

Serge: That-that doesn't make any sense. Then why wouldn't they just carry like a rock?

Kathleen: It's a wife-carrying competition. Stop trying to bring logic into it!

Graham: And what do the winners of the wife-carrying championship win? Well, what else would you win at a wife-carrying championship, but the woman's weight in beer.

So the trick is to find the right wife weight ratio (which by the way is a tongue-twister you can try at home) between what you can carry and what the payoff is gonna be.

Kathleen: Don't get too greedy here though, guys. Like, two hundred pounds of beer sounds amazing and that's like a thousand bucks, but think about the back surgery later. Probably like ninety-eight pounds of beer is probably just fine. Go find the smallest teenage girl you can and uh, actually do not do that, {LAUGHS} her parents will probably not be okay with that. Do not pick up random teenage girls for a wife-carrying contest, that's bad advice.

Serge: So the beer... represents the good times... and the money is the f- Okay, it's a mystery.

Graham: And with that, we're gonna put all the news back on the Feed Dump truck for this week and wrap it up. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON TUQUE-THULU TUQUE} this hat. Tuque-thulu, that will drive you insane because the tentacles fall right in front of your eyes! This is not practical. This is not... {MOVES TENTACLES OFF HIS EYES} Hey, what's up? Tuque-thulu. {DROPS TENTACLES DOWN AGAIN} {WAVES HANDS AROUND, MAKING BUBBLING NOISES}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: That was cute, but yeah.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Oh, I just pressed record.

Graham: Okay, hey what's up? This is Che- uh, this is Feed Dump, I didn't know we were gonna be rolling, but now we're rolling.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Do you have the inputs set correctly?

{AT THIS POINT, THE CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM GRAHAM AND THEN BACK AGAIN}

Graham: Yeah, it's all good. I guess we're doing it now, what's up? It's Feed Dump. I'm Graham and then Kathleen and Serge are here, what's- uh, how's it going? {LAUGHS}

{SERGE LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Perfect! Cut.

Graham: Alright, that was great, I'll be in my trailer! {GETS UP TO LEAVE}