Rub the Mucin on the Skin Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Rub the Mucin on the Skin

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump and, in honor of Canada Day, we're all Canadian things. I am "muted nationalism". Woooo. Joining me this week is "the way Justin Trudeau looks at Obama"...

Kate: {WITH HANDS ON CHEEKS} Obama-sempai...

Kathleen: ...and "a seething feeling of second-rate-ism".

Cameron: {HOLDING STARBUCKS CUP} We were great once...but who wants to be great? {SIPS FROM CUP}

{TITLE: WE'RE ACTUALLY DOING PRETTY ALL RIGHT UP HERE}

Kathleen: You know what's better than Canada Day? "Cameron Day"!

Cameron: {EXCITED} Yeaaa!

Kathleen: That's right. Because Cam is out "animal expert" (as I keep reminding him and as he keeps confusedly going, "Sure, OK" to the suggestion of), all our stories this week are animal-themed!

Cameron: {DISAPPOINTED} No...

Kathleen: First up: a Lithuanian village has crowned the prettiest goat.

Cameron: What?!

Kathleen: That's right! {READS FROM iPHONE} "The Lithuanian village of Ramygala held its annual beauty pageant on Sunday and the top prize went to a sixteen-month-old female goat called 'Demyte', or 'Little Spot"'.

Cameron: {PERPLEXED} We're...we're talking about goats here, right? Does this translate differently from Lithuanian? Four-legged herbivores? Eat tin cans? Mascot for the Church of Satan?

Kathleen: "Greatest Of All Time"? Goes in a lot of Caribbean curries? Yes. {SHOT OF DEMTYE} This is the winner. She is a lovely goat.

Kate: I, for one, am not really OK with the unrealistic beauty standards they're putting on goats. Back when I was a kid, we didn't have to worry about that kind of thing. But now it's all makeup and hair and getting your horns just right.

Cameron: The entire industry is really unhealthy. And she looks like she's had work done.

Kate: I did actually hear there was a whole black market goat plastic surgery ring going on in Lithuania. Think they get their..."dangly bit" tightened. Enlarged? Removed? I'm not actually sure.

Kathleen: {LOOKING AT KATE THEN CAMERON} I'm sensing a bit of sarcasm here from my Feed Dump co-hosts and I don't think that's fair. Because this is just, like, a fun, beautiful folk tradition. Besides, there's not THAT much to do in rural Lithuania...

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Other than ogle goats.

Kathleen: ...so we should just let them HAVE this, Cameron.

Kate: It only makes sense. Now that the most beautiful goat has been crowned, uh, next week, I think, is the curry competition.

Cameron: Actually, given that this is Lithuania, I think it would be a goulash...which, I understand, is a sort of onomatopoeia.

Kathleen: A Florida man...

Cameron: {INTERRUPTING} Oh, lemme guess: "...was arrested for blanking a blank in front of blank."

Kathleen: Punching a swan in the face in front of an off-duty police officer.

Kate: I'm kind of wondering what this swan did to MERIT a punch in the face. Maybe he was trash-talking or something? Also, why the face? Swans have, like, beaks and, like, RANGE with their neck. I feel like if you're gonna punch a swan anywhere, maybe do it in the butt. You have more of a chance to not walk away with a broken arm or losing a finger.

Cameron: Swans fight dirty. It's IMPORTANT that you sneak up on 'em. Then its time to kick some back.

Kathleen: Would you believe...if I told you...this is NOT the first time "Swan Puncher" has been arrested?

Cameron: The DEVIL you say?

Kate: Maybe he just really wants to get arrested and he's running out of ways to do so. Maybe he likes the three square meals a day in jail. Maybe he likes not having to pay rent. He saw the swan and was, like, "This is a surefire way to get me back in."

Cameron: But...you can just GO to prison!

Kate: {TO CAMERON} No, you CAN'T, dude! Have you not heard of, like, over-crowding in prisons in America? Also, this is Florida; there's a LOT of dumb people doing a LOT of dumb stuff.

Cameron: Hey, y'know what? You wanna go to prison? I can get you into prison by 4pm this afternoon. In fact, just contact me and we'll get you in prison for the rest of your life for only four easy payments of four ninety-nine ninety-nine...ninety-nine. And, y'know what? We all get what we want. You get a warm meal (and) a place to sleep, I get to cross a few names off my list. It's great.

Kathleen: Call now and we'll throw in Kate's promotional pamphlet, "Eight Places Not to Touch a Swan".

Kate: And, as a special limited-time offer, we'll give you the first for free. It's the face.

Cameron: Places two through eight are "the swan".

Kathleen: A German man is uninjured but his car is a write-off after he lost control while driving through a trail of snail slime.

Cameron: I don't know whether to be impressed or revolted.

Kate: {TO CAMERON} Dude, Cam, have you really not heard about this? Like, snail slime is used in a lot of Korean beauty products. Like face masks and creams. 'Cause the slime is meant to, like, increase your cell turnover by, like, five-hundred percent or something.

Cameron: Apparently, it also increases CAR turnover by five-hundred percent.

Kathleen: I mean, like, the guy's fine. So,...whatever. Uh, {TO KATE} let's get back to that "snail slime in beauty products" thing.

Kate: Uh, Kathleen, please. It's not "snail slime". It's "MUCIN".

Cameron: Ah, yes. Mucin. The "slime" component of slime.

Kathleen: {TO KATE} But what's the POINT the of snail mucin? Oh, is it, like, a man-repeller thing and where you're just, like, "Look how trendy and cool I am. Come give me kisses on my slimy face." {MAKES KISSING NOISES}

Kate: No, it's to make you look hot. {HOLDS UP iPHONE} Look, it's been featured in Vogue, the New York Times...

Cameron: To be fair, the New York times article was "20 Things You Won't Believe Rich People Put On Their Face".

Kathleen: {TO CAMERON} No, THAT was "Buzzfeed".

Kate: OK, look, the "Buzzfeed" one was actually a quiz: "Which Animal Slime Should You Put On Your Face"...and I object to that title because it's MUCIN, not SLIME!

Cameron: Although I am beginning to believe the claims that this tightens up your face because I don't even have to use it and I already feel my pores (among other things) slamming shut!

Kathleen: Well, Cameron, you may be the "animal expert" but, maybe now, you will be a beauty expert as well, understanding the sacrifices that we have to go to achieve this. Do you know, Feed Dump viewers, that I don't wake up looking like this? {POINTS TO FACE} This takes...MINUTES of effort to achieve this...sorta mediocre result. But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON BLACK BASEBALL CAP WITH "FANCY" STITCHED IN PINK ON THE FRONT}...THIS hat...which was shipped to us directly from Amazon and it came to Amazon directly from China. That's right: it's a "Fancy" hat, just like the hit of 2014. Iggy Azalea featuring Charlie XCX. I'm so fancy and I just wanted you to know...I got snail mucus dripping on me from head to toe.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Cameron: But there are a lot more FUN ways to go to prison that DON'T involve the chance of you getting your ass kicked by fowl!