RapStar 64K Transcript

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This is the Transcript and original script for LoadingReadyRun's Season Five finale, RapStar 64K.

Fan Transcript

{INT- EVIL INC OFFICE; CEO (Paul) SITTING IN CHAIR, BACK TO THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF A DESK. On the desk are his signature laptop, a small notebook, an intercom, a cup of Starbucks coffee, and LRR's newest microphone, the Snowball.}

{INTERCOM BUZZES}

{CEO SPINS AROUND CLUMSILY TO ANSWER; ULTIMATELY HITS THE ANSWER BUTTON}

CEO: Hello?

ASSISTANT (Graham): Sir, It’s time.

CEO: Excellent. For 12 thrilling weeks I have been waiting, biding my time, observing. I have watched all the pieces fall into place, and now, it is time to act!

{The CEO slaps a button on his laptop, revealing the intro sequence for RapStar 64k, which quickly takes up the entire frame. After the intro, cut to Jeremy Michaels (Jer) in a theater.}

JM: Hello, I’m Jeremy Michaels, and welcome final episode of Rap-Star 64k! It’s been a busy 12 weeks for our judges, who have traveled across the country looking for the newest member of this world renowned rap group. The group was shocked to learn that Ice Tray would be leaving to pursue a solo career, tired of always taking third billing to the other two members.

{Jump-cut to Ice Tray (Morgan) walking down a hallway}

IT: Hey guys, you know what? I've got something to talk to you guys about.

GStar (Graham): What? what's up, dude?

IT: {Over protests from GStar and JP (Jer)} I am tired of being JP, GStar, and some guy. I'm the rippers to you guys! That's it! The rippers! That's all you think of me! You guys can't see that? I'm out. {Tray throws his hat to the floor} Bye.

{Cut to GStar, holding Tray's hat, and JP, then back to Jeremy Michaels}

JM: However, the group has taken this in stride, and used it as an opportunity to add a third, fresh face to their lineup. Someone who can take up the mantle of Ice Tray, and breathe new life into their work. Naturally, though, not everyone can be a Rap Star. Let’s take a look back at some of the contestants to whom we’ve already said goodbye!

{Cut to audition for Nerf Gun Bongo (James)}

NERF GUN BONGO: Ah, Snake! Finally, we can finish our age-old battle in this grandiose style--a throwdown!

{Flatulence Goldfish (Matt) looks in from offstage, sans mask}

FG: How’s it going!?

NGB: SHHHH!

FG: Should I put on my mask?

NGB: Shut it! You're ruining it!

FG: {dropping his raspy voice} Oh! Ah, sorry!

{cut to GStar in the audience}

GStar: You know, man...I dunno if you're really right for this competition. A...are you sure you're in the right place?

{Cut to NGB and FG backstage}

FG: I have never been so insulted in my whole life!

NGB: You know...I thought we did a really good job, I thought we, y'know, showed them what we got, but we'll be back next year, we'll be bigger, we'll be stronger, and we'll bring it.

FG: AND they're out of DANISHES!

NGB: What!?

{Cut to audition for Good Boi (Tim)}

Good Boi: I visited my mother last Sunday after church / I helped my little sister with her physics research / They say nice guys finish last / but I think that they lie / 'cause when I do the right thing I feel good inside. Uh!

{Cut to JP looking less-than-impressed}

{Cut to GStar}

GStar: Yo, man, I'll say this: you got the flow, but you do NOT have the street cred with that.

Good Boi: {opens his Bible} Proverbs 30 verse 10: never slander a person.

{Cut to Good Boi backstage}

Good boi: I quoted that scripture out of context. Forgive me; I acted in anger.

{Cut to audition for Officer Rodriguez (James)}

RODRIGUEZ: {humming YMCA, poorly} - - - A! - - - A!

GIBB (Gibb): Okay, now, the Indian and maybe the Construction Worker could have made it on their own. You, not so much.

RODRIGUEZ: {hums and dances a little more, then shakes his head and leave the stage}

{Cut to audition for the Warriors of Darkness. All four of them. Each one sings the word "evil" as a Barbershop quartet, except for Derek, who is mute.}

Ulric (Paul): GAH! Come on, Derek!

Ragnar (Jer): Derek!

{Krull (Morgan) smacks Derek upside the head; cut to Warriors backstage}

Ulric: So, well, uh...yeah, that was kind of disappointing, you know. It wasn't, uh, I don't think it was quite 100%. {glares at Derek} Especially from SOME people. But, uh, we'll be back.

Ragnar: There's always... {strikes a pose and sings} Tomorrow!

{Derek threatens Ragnar with his sword}

{Cut to audition for Killabyte (Morgan)}

KILLAHBYTE: My beats is dope and my rhymes is tight, I’m your man, KB, I’m the Killahbyte

{Cut to GStar}

GStar: Where's...where's the rest of the song, there?

KillahByte: That...that's my rap. I spent years composing that rap.

JP: That was like...six seconds!

KillahByte: That...that is the BEST six seconds that rap has ever known!

Gibb: That performance gave me CANCER.

KillahByte: You know what? If you don't respect my genius, that's fine. I don't even care. Millions of other people have...probably would respect my genius if they heard my music.

{Cut to audition for Toast (Toast), who sits on a stool in front of a microphone, rapping a rap only the judges can hear}

G STAR: Oh Man! You are going all the way!

JP: That was dope! Gibb?

GIBB: {EATING TOAST} I thought he was delicious! What?

{Cut to audition for Muscle Santa (Jer)}

{Muscle Santa flexes on stage; cut to JP, shaking his head in shame; cut to Muscle Santa backstage, doing the same.}

{Cut back to Jeremy Michaels}

JM: It wasn’t easy, but the judges have narrowed their contestants down to two finalists. It will be up to you, the viewers to decide who flows, and who goes.

{cut to hazMatt (Matt) in an industrial setting}

JM: From years working the tepid streets of Vancouver, hails independent rapper hazMatt. He’s spent years working the club circuit, perfecting his own brand of unique rhymesmanship. Could this be his chance for a big break?

{Cut to Regular Paul Saunders (Paul) in a similar setting}

JM: Or, will it go to Paul Saunders of Victoria, British Columbia? A self employed web developer, Paul seems like an unlikely contender, but his audition wowed the judges so completely that he stands before you today, a few votes away from being the next member of 64K! We’ll be back to review their audition footage after this commercial break.

{CUT TO EVIL INC OFFICE}

CEO: Excellent. Paul's victory is imminent.

ASSISTANT: Why does that matter? Is he some kind of plant?

CEO: No, no, I just have $100 on him in the office pool. I mean look at the guy, he’s GORGEOUS.

ASSISTANT: But...the latest TV Guide numbers show hazMatt winning by a landslide.

CEO: Really? Well, thankfully I have a backup plan.

ASSISTANT You do?

CEO: Of course! I have hired the world's foremost hacker-

ASSISTANT: That must have cost more than a hun--

CEO: {slightly annoyed} THE WORLD'S FOREMOST HACKER--who is, as we speak, breaking into the cell-phone voting network and setting up a program that will funnel all votes to Paul. That'll make him the SURE-FIRE winner. This guy has a certificate in haxmanship, what could possibly go wrong?

{Cut to Hacker (James) with his face blurred out}

CEO: How are things coming?

Hacker: Very well sir, we'll be ready to go before the voting starts.

CEO: Be sure you are.

Hacker: That won't be a problem, I 128-gigabyte encoded my RSS feed. Also, your government is lying to you.

CEO: I should hope so, considering how much I've spent on them. Now get to work!

DARREN: I'm on it!

{CUT BACK TO JEREMY MICHAELS}

JM: And we're back! Now let’s take a look at the performances that got out two finalists where they are today. First up, HazMatt!

{Cut to audition for hazMatt}

hazMatt: X-Box, Gamecube, Playstation 2! You only gotta know that I got more games than you! Look inside your heart you KNOW it to be true; I own 20 systems and you only own a few! Your videogame collection? It's tiny and lame! You're prob'ly feelin' jealous and you wanna lay blame. And boy, I wouldn't fault you, I would feel the same--feel free to hate the playa', but don't hate the Games.

JP: Nice...

JM: And now our second contestant, Paul Saunders!

{Cut to audition for Paul Saunders; Paul enters with a TV cart)

PAUL: Uh, hi. I'm Paul, and uh, this...this is my audition.

{Paul struggles to get the VCR to play}

{This is Why I'm Paul happens}

{Cut to judges looking shocked}

GStar: Woah!

{Paul leaves with the monitor; cut to JM}

JM: The votes have been tallied; it’s time to find out who will become the next Ice tray, and become the winner of RapStar64K. With 15% of the vote...Paul Saunders. Also with 15% of the vote...hazMatt! And with an unprecedented 70% of votes, certainly unprecedented since we eliminated him five weeks ago...Killahbyte!

{Cut to rejected contestants back stage}

KillahByte: Yea-hah! What's happenin'? {jumps on hazMatt's back} Yeah! Suck it! I'm the greatest!

{CUT TO EVIL INC}

CEO: What? {TO HACKER} What the hell, man?

Hacker: You said to make the gorgeous guy win. You have seen Killahbyte, right? Dreeeamboat~!

CEO: Daaammn…

{cut back to KillahByte, changing his hat and glasses for Ice Tray's gear}

KillahByte: Yeaaaah!

{Cut to GStar and JP}

JP: Huh.

GStar: Well, I guess he'll fit all of Tray's outfits.

JM: Well, congratulations to Killahbyte. We’re not actually sure what happened, but no givesies-backsies in the hip-hoppity world of rapsies!. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Ice Tray!

{KillaByte dances across the stage, highlighting each word with a step; hazMatt and Paul are fighting in the background}

KillaByte: WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! WHAT! YEEEAH! I'm the greatest! Yeeeeaaaaah!

JM: this is Jeremy Michaels, out!


Original Script

INT- EVIL INC OFFICE CEO SITTING IN CHAIR, BACK TO THE CAMERA IN FRONT OF A DESK

INTERCOM BUZZES

CEO SPINS AROUND CLUMSILY TO ANSWER ULTIMATELY HITS THE ANSWER BUTTON

ASSISTANT Sir, It’s time.

CEO Excellent. For 12 weeks I have awaited this moment, biding my time, observing. I have watched the pieces fall into place in preparation for this day, and now it is time to act! Join me, and let us begin!

ASSISTANT ENTERS MONTAGE OF CEO FLIPPING SWITCHES AND TURNING KNOBS, AS IF STARTING SOME SORT OF MACHINE THEY TAKE SEATS, AND REVEAL ON A TV SCREEN IN THE OFFICE WALL (I’M PRETTY MUCH ASSUMING GREEN SCREENING HERE) PLAYING THE INTRO GRAPHIC OF RAP-STAR 64K

CEO I really need to find that remote.

JM Hi there, I’m Jeremy Michaels, and welcome final episode of Rap-Star 64k! It’s been an interesting 12 weeks for our judges, who have made their way across the country, in an attempt to find the newest member of this world renowned rap group. The group was shocked when Ice Tray announced that he would be leaving to pursue a solo career, tired of constantly taking third billing in all the group’s work. However, the group has taken this loss as an opportunity to strengthen their line-up with a fresh face, one who can take up the mantle of Ice Tray, and breathe new life into their team. Naturally, though, not everyone who auditioned has made it this far. Let’s take a look back at some of the contestants to whom we’ve already said goodbye!

OFFICER RODRIGUEZ

RODRIGUEZ - - - A! - - - A!

GIBB The construction worker and the Indian might have made it on their own. You, not so much.

CORE UNIT

C UNIT Hey guys, how’s it going? I haven’t played WoW in six months. How about getting the group back together?

G STAR Yeah, we don’t think you’re right for the whole 64K “image”

C UNIT You motherf—

CARDBOARD MAN

C MAN I AM CARDBOARD MAN!

JP Well, he is Cardboard Man…

GIBB I AM NOT IMPRESSED!

NERF GUN BONGO

NERF GUN BONGO So, Snake old friend, at last we can settle our battle in this, our grandest hour.

FLATULANCE GOLDFISH How’s it going!?

TOAST

SITS THERE

G STAR You’re going all way!

JP Awesome! Gibb what did you think?

GIBB EATING TOAST I thought he was delicious!

KILLAHBYTE

KILLAHBYTE --I’m your man, KB, I’m the Killahbyte

G STAR No.

JP Yeah… no.

GIBB That gave me cancer. Get out.

WARRIORS OF DARKNESS

BARBERSHOP WARMING UP DEREK MISSES HIS CUE

ULRIC Daww!


JM: It wasn’t easy, but the judges have made their decisions, and today we are left with two finalists. It will be up to you, the viewers to decide between them. From Vancouver, British Columbia, hails independent rapper hazMatt. He’s spent years working the club circuit, perfecting his own brand of unique rhymesmanship. Could this be his chance for a big break? Or, will it go to Paul Saunders of Victoria, BC? A self employed web developer, Paul seems like an unlikely contender, but his audition wowed the judges so completely that he stands before you today, a few votes away from being the next member of 64K! We’ll review their audition footage for you shortly, after this commercial break.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL PULL BACK TO EVIL INC OFFICE, WITH TV ON

CEO HAS HOLDING DOSSIER ON PAUL, COMPLETE WITH 8X10 HEADSHOT

CEO Excellent <strokes beard> The pieces are falling into place.

ASSISTANT Sir? What pieces? Is he some kind of plant?

CEO No, I just have 100$ riding on him in the office pool. I mean look at him, he’s GORGEOUS. Of course he’s going to win.

ASSISTANT Actually sir, the recent TV Guide poll has hazMatt winning by a landslide.

CEO Really? Well, thankfully I arranged a backup plan that can’t possibly fail.

ASSISTANT You did?

CEO Yes. You see, I’ve hired the world's foremost hackers-

ASSISTANT That must have cost more than-

CEO (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) THE WORLD'S FOREMOST HACKERS-who is, as we speak, setting up a program within the automated cell-phone voting network that will funnel all votes for that other contestant, to Paul, making him the SURE-FIRE winner. These guys have a certificate in haxmanship, what could go wrong?

IMAGE OF HACKER APPEARS ON THE TV OVERLAID OVER RS64K

CEO How are things coming?

DARREN Very well sir, we'll be ready to go before the voting starts.

CEO Be sure you are.

DARREN That won't be a problem, I double-encoded my feed!

SIMON Well, I triple encoded mine! Also, your government is lying to you.

CEO I should hope so, given how much I've spent on them. Now get to work!

DARREN We’re on it!

CUT BACK TO JEREMY MICHAELS

JM Welcome back! And now let’s take a look at the performances of our finalists that got them where they are today, first up HazMatt!

HAZMATT ENTERS

THROW DOWN

HAZMATT LEAVES

JM And his competition, Paul Saunders!

PAUL ENTERS WITH MONITOR

PAUL Hi. This is my final performance. Thanks.

HITS PLAY ON THE TV “THIS IS WHY I’M PAUL”

JM And now, the votes have been tabulated, and it’s time to find out who will take the place of Ice tray, and become the winner of RapStar64K.

SUSPENSE MUSIC

JM HazMatt receives, 15% of the votes. Paul Saunders, also receives 15%. And with 70% of your votes, a surprise winner: Killahbyte!

PAUL What?

HAZMATT What?

CUT TO EVIL INC

CEO What? (TO HACKERS) The hell, guys?

DARREN You said to make the gorgeous guy win. You’ve seen Killahbyte, right?

SIMON Dreeeamboat~

CEO Daaammn…

BACK TO JEREMY MICHAELS

JM Well, congratulations to Killahbyte, I guess. We’re not entirely sure what happened there, but no givesies-backsies. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Ice Tray!

JP Huh.

G STAR Well, I guess he’ll fit in all of Tray’s clothes.

BEFORE AND AFTER SHOTS

JM Well, that’s it for RapStar64K! Have a Great night everyone! Michaels, out!

BEEP