Qwerpline Ep16 - Full of Wieners Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep16 - Full of Wieners
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...
{Graphic: Satin Cat in Hat in Latin}
ANNOUNCER: ... Satin Cat in Hat in Latin, a brand new holiday tradition for the feast of Corpus Christi. Kicked that elf off your shelf for this fine feline this Trinity Sunday. Satin Cat in Hat in Latin, it's the rage in Manhattan.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
G-MONEY: Good morning Nsburg welcome to QWERPline. Big G-Money here with A-Train? How's it going Alex?
A-TRAIN: Mad as hell but I'm in group for it.
G-MONEY: That's really good to hear. One day at a time.
A-TRAIN: Don't tell me what to do.
G-MONEY: I will now deescalate. Hopefully everyone out there is having a great day in beautiful Nsburg: "Thurpston County in Miniature".
{Laugh break}
BEEJ: What on earth?
A-TRAIN: I know we're a small town but.
G-MONEY: Look the Nsburg Tourism Board saw what Maryland was doing and thought it was a good idea.
A-TRAIN: Monkey see, monkey do.
G-MONEY: And now the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-MONEY: We have a new progress update from the Secret Pipesmen on construction of the Richard Thurpston memorial statue.
A-TRAIN: Oh yeah?
G-MONEY: A small colony of Brown Thrums have moved into the hollow right shin of the statue.
A-TRAIN: Ha, Our right or his right?
G-MONEY: That's our left, but it's your right if you're facing the radio.
A-TRAIN: Clear as mud, Graham.
G-MONEY: Point being due to the Brown Thrums conservation status within Nsburg, the Department of the Environment has forced the Pipesmen to put construction on hold.
A-TRAIN: Is there anything in the left shin?
G-MONEY: Rain water and spiders.
A-TRAIN: Isn't that a Midnight Sun album?
G-MONEY: Fans of Junior Sideball Little League should keep an eye out this weekend for the finals of the Smallball tournament between Jack Planks Ham Fighters and the Dragons Landing Top-Loaders.
{Graphic: Jack Planks Ham Fighters and the Dragons Landing Top-Loaders}
A-TRAIN: Well the Ham Fighters are the returning champions but my money's on the Top-Loaders.
G-MONEY: A reminder that Smallball betting is prohibited.
A-TRAIN: Aldersman.
G-MONEY: For most people. After the game there will be a BBQ with orange drink and fundraising for next year's season, and new mouth guards.
{Graphic: News}
A-TRAIN: This year's refurbished mouth guards brought to you by Gills Grills. Gills Grills, all up in your face.
{Graphic: It's the Arts}
G-MONEY: And now it's time for the Arts with QWRP art correspondent Edith Slump. How's it going Edith?
EDITH SLUMP: I'm so excited to be here Graham.
G-MONEY: What do you have for us this week Edith?
EDITH: Well Graham as summer approaches it's vacation season and I know a lot of people are interested in picking up some new skills and trying out new fun activities to bring some zest into their life. So this week in a special edition of Edith's Book Club, I'm reviewing a series of books by local authors telling you how to do a bunch of new exciting things.
G-MONEY: I'm on the edge of my seat.
EDITH: First up we have "Macramé for Spiritual Healing" by local author, and self-styled Bee Mother, Lorna Schlitzwhistle.
{Graphic: Macramé for Spiritual Healing}
A-TRAIN: Someone published her?
EDITH: Well its self-published Alex.
G-MONEY AND A-TRAIN: Ah.
EDITH: If you've got a lot of spare time and a lot of spare yarn, there's no better way to decorate your house of the variety of owl wall hangings, plant hangers, and of course macramé bee hive cozies. And Lorna's book I'm not much of one for these hands-on crafts myself but Laura's instructions were easy to follow and clear, and at the end of it I even was able to make myself a macramé nightgown.
A-TRAIN: That sounds so itchy.
EDITH: I think the real joy comes in the creation and not the actual finished product. For those not into intimates, there's a variety of smaller home decorative projects that you can make there's patterns for dreamcatchers in various sizes, router scarves, and modem cardigans.
A-TRAIN: Who puts a cardigan on a modem?
EDITH: Lorna Schlitzwhistle.
G-MONEY: What if I'm not into handicrafts?
EDITH: If you're looking for something to amuse your children, "1001 Things for Busy Kids" by local entrepreneur Ball Hinkley is lots of fun.
{Graphic: 1001 Things for Busy Kids}
G-MONEY: How busy does the book suggest we make these children?
EDITH: This book will occupy even the most precocious and troublesome child.
A-TRAIN: Do you have any recommendations from the book?
EDITH: Well Alex, even though I like to think that I have the heart of a child, I know that I am not in fact a child, but my niece Myrtle is. So we decided to try one of Ball Hinkley's activities together.
G-MONEY: And what was it?
EDITH: Although Myrtle was quite interested in it, we opted not to follow through on his recipes for profound perfume, just because ambergris is not something you find lying around just anywhere. However we did enjoy trying out some of the orienteering tips, although I do have to say if you're buying this book and you're not in Nsburg - perhaps you're one of our listeners in Lesser Miami - this book may only have limited use to you as most of the orienteering maps are of Nsburg and, in fact, all of them are of Ball Hinckley's backyard, which is not accessible due to a huge variety of no-trespassing signs he's put up.
G-MONEY: How did Myrtle enjoy the book?
EDITH: We ended up in the East Sump Acres culvert grid which she described as "smelly".
G-MONEY: Neat.
EDITH: Well Graham, she is 6. Her vocabulary is not extensive yet.
{Graphic: It's the Arts}
A-TRAIN: So what if I don't want to break into Ball Hinkley's backyard?
EDITH: Then perhaps you would like to stay home and experience a taste of India.
A-TRAIN: That actually sounds alright.
EDITH: The last book I have for you this week is called "50 Fiery Curries: A Beginner's Guide to a Taste Explosion".
{Graphic: 50 Fiery Curries: A Beginner's Guide to a Taste Explosion}
G-MONEY: Sounds spicy.
EDITH: All puns aside Graham, there's a variety of spice levels in these recipes. There's also a handy infographic that ranges from three hot peppers to, maybe you better call the Nsburg Municipal Hospital and let them know you'll be around in a few hours.
A-TRAIN: What does that symbol look like?
EDITH: A burning gurney.
G-MONEY: Wait the spice chart starts at 3 peppers.
EDITH: Well the book is called 50 Fiery Curries not 50 Curries for Wimps.
G-MONEY: Did you try anything from the book? Do you have a favorite?
EDITH: Oh I've tried everything in this book several times. My favorite is definitely the Sri Lankan weeping curry. That's a 9 pepper on the scale by the way.
A-TRAIN: I'm sure I'm gonna regret asking this, but why is it called the weeping curry?
EDITH: It's actually a very sad Sri Lankan folktale about a drowned horse. It's also immensely spi ...
{Laugh break}
EDITH: It's based on a very sad Sri Lankan folktale about a drowned horse. It's also immensely spicy.
A-TRAIN: Well that sounds intense.
G-MONEY: Thanks Edith for another edition of the book club. Where can people find these books?
EDITH: All these books are available the novel Havel and online. But if you come down to the Novel Hovel, I'll be there this weekend signing copies of 50 Fiery Curries by Edith Slump.
G-MONEY: Hold up, you wrote 50 Fiery Curries?
EDITH: What can I say, my tongue sings for flavor.
A-TRAIN: And your heart weeps for horses.
EDITH: I'm more of a cat person.
G-MONEY: Terrific. anything else in the arts this week Edith?
EDITH: No.
{Graphic: QWERPline}
G-MONEY: Thanks Edith. And now speaking of things with nine lives, it's time to go to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP traffic qwopper. How are things looking up there this morning Richter?
{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
RICHTER HAMMOCKSLAM: Learn to use your turn signal, you ignorant clod. Hello Graham. I am currently in the middle traffic on Highway 2 trying to make my way into the Traffic Qwopter.
A-TRAIN: Well here's a switch.
G-MONEY: You are hours late for work Richter.
RICHTER: Yes. If only there was some way that we could get information to drivers about possible traffic jams before they got in their cars.
A-TRAIN: I have never had a cluster headache come on this fast.
RICHTER: I can see traffic is backed up all the way towards the Clandestine Cloverleaf. Looks like there may have been some sort of a pileup there. I wish someone had told me to take exit 72 a couple miles back. That would have allowed me to take an alternate route to work, thus saving immense amounts of time. This is incredibly frustrating Graham.
G-MONEY: Is, is there any other traffic information you could give us Richter?
RICHTER: No Graham I'm completely incapable of getting your traffic information right now with all these assholes zooming past in the southbound lane, making me so mad. If only there was some way I could get a higher vantage point to see exactly what's going on. Hang on I'm gonna go climb up on the back of that big-rig trailer in front of me to see if I can find out what exactly is happening. I'll report back when I know when I'll be in back to you.
G-MONEY: Thank You Richter. We will not be following up with Richter later in the hour.
A-TRAIN: Where is the Tylenol?
G-MONEY: Well I don't think this is going to help your headache Alex, but it's time to go now to our summer intern Derek ...
A-TRAIN: Aneurysm.
G-MONEY: ... Who is down at Wieners Czar, who are celebrating their 60th anniversary. How's it going Derek?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
DEREK: Guys they're having an amazing deal! I'm gonna get so stuffed full of wieners!
G-MONEY: Derek, please.
DEREK: Yeah I was going to take two at once but I had to put one down so I could hold the microphone.
G-MONEY: Derek, can you please stop sticking wieners into yourself long enough to finish this remote.
DEREK: I'll see what I can do. I'm down here at the Wieners Czar, which has been in Nsburg for like forever.
{Graphic: Weiner Czar}
G-MONEY: It's the 60th anniversary Derek.
DEREK: Anniversary of what?
G-MONEY: Being open.
DEREK: No, they closed every night at 11:00.
G-MONEY: Who are you interviewing?
DEREK: I'm here with the day manager of Wieners Czar. What is your name?
FALSE DMITRI THE NINTH, AKA KAYLEE: My name is False Dmitri the Ninth.
DEREK: Really? You look like more of a Sara.
KAYLEE: My friends call me Kaylee but ...
DEREK: I was wrong.
KAYLEE: Yeah, it's like a family name. It's so lame. But it's like tradition in the Ivanovitch family. Just like this stupid restaurant.
DEREK: So Kaylee have you worked here for all 60 years?
KAYLEE: It feels like it, but no.
DEREK: Okay then. Tell me about your family's wieners.
KAYLEE: It's so lame. When my grandfather moved to Nsburg he set up a hotdog stand to catch the drunks coming out of the Town Hall. And then it got really popular so he made a restaurant and now we all have to work here and it sucks. And I smell like wieners and at school they're like "Hey it's Kaylee the weiner girl". It's the worst.
DEREK: What an enchanting nickname. My notes say this is in Nsburg first fast food restaurant.
KAYLEE: Oh, I guess. We're not that fast. Like, if you want fast food, I would go to Burger Baron. Also if we've had like a lot of safety meetings in a day, everybody's really slow.
DEREK: Safety is so important when preparing food.
KAYLEE: So you like work at the radio station? That seems way cooler than managing the Wiener Czar.
DEREK: Yeah it's amazing. They give me a pass so I can get into the Town Hall anytime I want.
KAYLEE: Really? I've always wanted to go into the town hall, but I'm only 16. And my cousin's false ID thing totally didn't work. I can't believe I gave him 60 bucks.
DEREK: I think everybody should see the Town Hall. Why don't I take you there sometime?
G-MONEY: Derek, the Wieners Czar.
A-TRAIN: Shh. He's about to land another date. What's his secret?
G-MONEY: Well he's 19.
KAYLEE: And he's, like, surprisingly cut.
DEREK: Oh no, I got cut? I need to go have a safety meeting.
G-MONEY: Wait, Ms. False Dimitri, you can hear us?
KAYLEE: Yeah my dad always makes us keep it on QWRP in the restaurant and it sucks. I want to listen to Jewelsburg 101 The Mix.
G-MONEY: Caller, please turn your radio down.
KAYLEE: You can't tell me what to do. I'm day manager.
DEREK: I can't find the Band-aids, but we can look after that later. Look before we go over to the Town Hall, I need you to finish so can you tell me more about your wieners.
KAYLEE: Okay. Well we have a special on this week. There's a new hot dog called The Rasputin. It's like stabbed 18 times and pumped full of drugs. My dad thinks it's hilarious and I don't get it.
DEREK: Why is it stabbed full of drugs?
KAYLEE: Because we as we use really cheap meat that's full of hormones.
DEREK: Well my favorite is still the False Dmitri.
KAYLEE: Hehe he. Hi.
DEREK: Yeah, piled high with onions and layered with Russian dressing.
KAYLEE: Hehe. You're kinky.
A-TRAIN: I think my headache is turning into brain damage.
DEREK: Well there you have it Graham and Alex. Wieners Czar are celebrating 60 whole wieners. Once we were finished their safety meeting I'm gonna go to the Town Hall.
KAYLEE: Sweat.
DEREK: Back to you Graham.
G-MONEY: Alex?
A-TRAIN: Yeah?
G-MONEY: I need you to be straight with me. What the fuck just happened?
A-TRAIN: I can't see.
EDITH: Well Derek doesn't seem to understand the youth slang of "safety meeting" and that girl's going to try to tempt him with drugs.
G-MONEY: Why are you still here?
EDITH: I wasn't planning to but I caught the interview on my way out and I was surprised as you are the Derek's got game. Although I feel Kaylee is going to be really disappointed when she shows up at a town council meeting.
G-MONEY: Well it is spring and love is in the air in Nsburg. I guess. That brings us up to the break. When we come back, Father's Day is coming up and it's time for the annual dads and lads fishing derby at Lake Indian-name.
A-TRAIN: Oh, right, like, I've been meaning to change that.
G-MONEY: Yeah, Yeah. Lake Indian-name, of course named for one of Nsburg's first settlers. But, like, his name was Innesh. It's not even that hard to pronounce or spell.
A-TRAIN: I know, I know. It's on the list.
G-MONEY: And today's update on Hans Across Nsburg, he's still going.
A-TRAIN: Go get 'em Hans.
G-MONEY: Stick around, more QWERPline after this.
ANNOUCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...
{Graphic: Satin Cat in Hat in Latin}
ANNOUNCER: ... Satin Cat in Hat in Latin, a brand new holiday tradition for the feast of Corpus Christi. Kick that elf off your shelf with this fine holiday feline this Trinity Sunday. Satin Cat in Hat in Latin, fits in a flat tin.
