Quiet and Happy Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Quiet and Happy

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. I'm your host, Kathleen. And, as the inevitable Donald Trump presidency and subsequent apocalypse inches ever closer, this week, we are "things you need in a 'bug-out bag'". I am "a copy of Sun Tsu's The Art of War", because it just seems like it would come in handy. Joining me this week is "hard-copy pornography"...

Cameron: C'mon. It's Pamela Anderson's final appearance in "Playboy". That's gotta be worth at least 250 rounds of SKS ammo.

Kathleen: ...and "dry shampoo".

Kate: Apocalypse or not, I want my hair to look good.

{TITLE: THE TINGLE TELLS YOU IT'S RADIOACTIVE}

Kathleen: Dateline: Carroll, Iowa. Local business man Brad Sapp wasn't hearing ghosts when he heard someone faintly whisper, "Get out of here!"; he was, in fact, hearing a naked man stuck in the building's chimney as they discovered the next morning.

Cameron: Was this man raised by the "H Pack" like Mowgli in "The Jungle Book"?

Kate: So the fact that he was stuck in a chimney didn't really seem out of place; that's kinda normal for Feed Dump. The thing that got me was that he was naked. WHY was he naked?

Cameron: Soot's a lubricant.

Kate: {OFF-SCREEN} Really?!

Cameron: Yeah, yeah. The graphite traps little water molecules between it and it rolls.

Kathleen: {TO CAMERON} So what you're saying is this man is a secret genius.

Cameron: {LAUGHING} Oh, no, no, no. It's also a carcinogen. That's why you use orphans to sweep your chimney.

Kathleen: Well, according to 29-year-old Jordan Kajewski - who was the guy stuck in the chimney - he said he got in there because he was playing hide-and-seek with his cousin. Also, "don't phone the police". They phoned the police. And they pulled him out with a rope.

Kate: Let's get to the real core of the issue here. One: was the cousin also naked? Two: who won this game?

Cameron: Well, I think it's quite obvious here that the cousin - whom I'm going to guess is named either "Duane" or "Skylar" just by, y'know, context - won the game since otherwise we wouldn't be here talking about it.

Kathleen: That's true: if Jordan had his way, he'd still be up that chimney, naked, smug, thinking, "You'll never find me now, Skylar! So cold..."

Kate: I'm trying to imagine the cops in the police station getting that call. {DONS POLICE HAT} Like, "Ugh...it's Jordan and Skylar again. Y'know what? Just brick it up, just leave them there, let's let, just, nature take its course."

Cameron: My question is when did he get naked? 'Cause you'd think the Bottle Depot owners would notice, like, a sleeveless Metallica T-shirt - I'm gonna say "Master of Puppets" - along with a pair of cargo shorts and no underwear would be a tell that there was somebody naked nearby.

Kathleen: Actually, Cameron, according to the police report, {READS FROM iPHONE} "while naked, Kajewski did have his clothes WITH him and the Bottle Depot owner, Brad Sapp, said he knew who it was because Kajewski had asked three times in recent weeks for a job at the company". I mean, that's a GOOD way to get hired...is to show up naked in a chimney. Shows you're dedicated.

Kate: It think that's a JobSeekers.com no-no.

Kathleen: It's time for a brand-new (and then swiftly retired) segment of Feed Dump we're calling "JobSeekers.com No-No's"

{SHOT OF jobseekers.com HOME PAGE; CAMERON, KATHLEEN AND KATE SING WITH "NO-NO'S" SUPERIMPOSED AT THE END}

All: {SINGING} JobSeekers.com...No-No's.

Cameron: Don't...sound business' chimney with your own naked, industrially-lubed-up body.

Kate: After you become lodged in a chimney, do not whisper to the proprietor, "Get out of here!"

Kathleen: As you're being bodily hoisted FROM the chimney by police, don't use that opportunity to hand over resume number four. That makes you look desperate.

Kate: Never hand in a resume without a cover letter that clearly states, "I have never been personally lodged in your building's chimney."

Cameron: Avoid using the man you're currently hiding from - nude in the building's industrial infrastructure - as a character reference. Only PROFESSIONAL references.

Kathleen: This has been...

{SAME SHOT AS BEFORE}

All: {SINGING} JobSeekers.com...No-No's.

Kathleen: It's really rare that a newspaper writes a story worthy of Feed Dump...but this lead is gorgeous! So I'm just gonna read it as written. It can't be improved. {READS FROM iPHONE} "A man claimed he was being subjected to 'some sort of psychological torture' after a neighbor in the flat above his home repeatedly played Nathan Carter’s version of 'Wagon Wheel', a court was told. Stephen John Leighton (53), of The Elms in Coleraine, County Derry, appeared at the town’s Magistrates Court last Monday and admitted that he snapped."

Cameron: Wait, what song is that again?

{KATHLEEN BRINGS THE iPHONE IN SHOT AND TAPS IT; IT STARTS TO PLAY THE VIDEO OF NATHAN CARTER'S VERSION OF "WAGON WHEEL"}

Cameron: Oh, yeah, THIS one. This song...SUCKS! Not guilty!

Kate: So my question is, "What did he snap and how much of it?"

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Two windows.

Kate: Oh, yeah, no. That's fair.

Kathleen: Now even though the Feed Dump Court of Opinion has found him innocent, uh, he actually pleaded guilty to {READS FROM iPHONE} "two charges arising out of the incident when, with drink consumed, he stormed up the communal stair well and yelled, 'If I hear "Wagon Wheel" one more time, I'm going to break that stereo!'"

Cameron: Presumably he did, eventually, break the stereo, throwing it through the aforementioned two windows. But the District Magistrate probably realized that no court would convict him of breaking the stereo. But they CAN get him for the windows.

Kate: "From the window to the wall". That must've been a lot of force to physically throw that stereo.

Kathleen: A young man who attempted to take a "selfie" with a 126-year-old statue of a 16th century Portuguese king got into a little bit of trouble when he climbed up its pedestal base...and then knocked it over.

Cameron: Well, at the risk of letting my political colors fly, DEATH TO KINGS!

Kate: See, if this kid had a "selfie stick", I bet this wouldn't have been an issue at all. {MIMES USING "SELFIE STICK"} Would've been like, oh...would've been fine. Free the "selfie stick". #NotAllSelfieSticks .

Kathleen: #MostSelfieSticks, though.

Kate: #YeahOkay.

Cameron: Maybe one day we can immortalize THIS moment, too, with one man's vanity piece destroying ANOTHER man's vanity piece.

Kathleen & Kate: {OFF-SCREEN, SINGING} It's the circle of life!

Kathleen: Ugh, that was awful...even by Feed Dump standards.

Cameron: Ehhhh, I'm confident you've done worse.

Kate: Oh, we've DEFINITELY done worse!

{KATHLEEN NOW HAS PENELOPE ON HER LAP, HER NECKLACE IN PENELOPE'S MOUTH} Kathleen: Yeah, I'm actually surprised that...

{SAME SHOT AS BEFORE}

All: {SINGING} JobSeekers.com...No-No's.

Kathleen: ...turned out so well. And, uh, as you can see, I have a tiny child in my lap...{PENELOPE STARTS TO GA-GA}...so that means this episode of Feed Dump must come to a close. But, remember...{TO PENELOPE}...that's right: there may be better sources for news...that don't have a baby eating my necklace but, more importantly,...{CAMERON HANDS KATHLEEN A "TARTAN" BASEBALL CAP, WHICH SHE DONS SIDEWAYS}...they don't have THIS hat. I mean, ONE scumbag has this hat...but we have it, too, now. I feel like a worse parent already.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT OF PENELOPE STILL IN KATHLEEN'S LAP, STILL EATING KATHLEEN'S NECKLACE BUT NO LONGER GA-GA-ING}

Kathleen: So this is where my necklace went in that last shot, guys. It made her happy and quiet.

{PENELOPE STARTS TO GA-GA AGAIN}

Kate: {OFF-SCREEN} Sort of...it made her happy.