Pope Boat Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Pope Boat

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. In honor of the PokeRap and of Pokemon in general, we are "raps about the new Pokemon Starters". I'm "Rowlet"...{STARTS BEAT-BOXING} "Hey, everybody, I'm on the prowl/I'm a cool archery owl!" Joining me this week is "Popplio"...

Serge: "If you pick me, don't get down/Even though I look like a clown?"

Kathleen: ...and "Litten".

Ben: "So get the game and keep the appointment/My third form is a huge disappointment."

{PICTURE OF SAID THIRD FORM WITH TITLE: PUNCH CAT SUCKS ASS}

Kathleen: Hey, it's a "spicy food YouTube video"! Oh, laugh at that person as they eat some Bhut jolokia and then cry tears of pain. Except, maybe DON'T do that because fifteen minutes of viral fame is not worth what happened to one 47-year-old American man who did that and then ended up with a 2.5-centimeter-long tear in his esophagus. He was in the hospital for 23 days.

Ben: See, this is why humans are just weak specimens. Frogs, when they have to throw up, just throw-up their entire stomach and then scoop everything out. Easy as pie.

Serge: I prefer the starfish method of actually taking my stomach outside of my body, directly digesting everything and then bringing it back in. Skips the whole throat thing.

Kathleen: Go with me on this journey: ...or, or, instead of becoming a frog or a starfish, you just...don't eat something so spicy that you retch so violently you tear a hole in your own esophagus. Putting it out there.

Serge: And that, Kathleen, is why you'll never be internet famous.

Ben: Oh, shit! We just demonstrated TWO types of burns!

Kathleen: The "creepy clown" phenomenon rages on and there has been yet another victim: British swingers who wanted to dress as clowns for Halloween. The famous "Paradise Spa" has banned clown costumes from its annual Halloween orgy.

Serge: I mean, as sad as it is to not be able to have sex with horrifying clowns, there's lots of OTHER scary things you can have sex with: vampires, zombies, the ironic {FINGER QUOTES} "sexy Donald Trump" costume...

Ben: I dunno, Serge. I've never wanted to fuck an Oompa-Loompa. {AIR HORN APP GOES OFF}

Serge: I made eye contact with Ben while he said that line and now I'm really uncomfortable.

Ben: {IN BAD TRUMP IMPRESSION} You can be my "nasty woman" any day, Serge.

Kathleen: I'm not sure what makes me more uncomfortable in this situation: that 1) it took us mere milliseconds to find an offensive Donald Trump quote that we can use as a joke or 2) that was more of a Christopher Walken impression.

Serge: I am OK with "sexy Christopher Walken" costumes.

{SHOT OF CHRISTOPHER WALKEN WHILE AIR HORN APP GOES OFF}

Ben: I still feel like I need to take a cold shower after that one.

Kathleen: Why, Ben, is that a set of Venetian blinds in your pocket or are you happy to see me? {BRIEF SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: HE'S HAPPY TO SEE SERGE} Because a Northampton man stole a set of Venetian blinds by jamming them down his trouser leg and then up the hood of his coat. {SHOT OF ACTUAL SECURITY CAMERA PICTURE OF SAID MAN SHOWN} Here's a picture. {SUPERIMPOSED TITLE: SO SUBTLE}

Serge: There are so many smaller things worth so much more money...what are you DOING?!

Kathleen: Trying to finish off his living room decor...DUH, Serge!

Ben: {TO SERGE} Yeah, there's nothing in the IKEA catalogue that really screams "little Vatican in my home".

Serge: Vatican...Venetian...oh, you're thinking Venice! Ooo...

Ben: {TO SERGE} Yeah...the place where the Pope rides on the boat!

{SHOT OF SERGE WITH HEAD IN HANDS}

Kathleen: {OFF-SCREEN} Hold on, hold on, hold on. {CAMERA PANS TO KATHLEEN} "Pope Boat" has an amazing ring to it.

Ben: Yeah, it sounds like an awesome new game show! {SINGING} "Pope on a boat, Pope on a boat, can your faith make ya float?"

Kathleen: {SINGING} "Spoilers: no it won't! You're a heathen and you're gonna drown!"

{SHOT OF A "POPE ON A BOAT" TITLE SLATE, TITLE JUST BELOW IT. IN THE CORNER: "COMING TO FOX/THURSDAYS AFTER "NUN TOUCHERS"}

Ben: {BEHIND SLATE} Coming to you this January on FOX!

{BACK TO LIVE SHOTS}

Serge: You took this...REALLY far...just to cover-up the fact you don't know what Venetian blinds are.

Kathleen: I feel like that's how MOST things get out of hand, though. You don't know what you're doing and so that you lie to cover it up. Like you run for President and you accidentally become the nominee and then you try to sink your own campaign by saying a series of progressively more ludicrous and insane things like, "I won't respect elections" and "Women are awful"...y'know, ALL of these things. Anyhow, it's time for the hat. {DONS BEIGE SUNHAT} Because there may be better sources of news, but they don't have THIS hat...which is a lovely "Blossom" hat, I guess. I feel very, like, "mid-90s teen" in this. Yeah? Yeah? All right, yeah. OK. It goes with my "mid-90s Japanese teen" haircut right now. So, y'know, it's good, it's good. Call me "Akane".

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Ben: Isn't that what a "Carolina Reaper" is? It summons, like, an actual Grim Reaper whose scythe slides down your throat as you consume it?