Poor Life Choices Transcript

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Transcript for Poor Life Choices

"{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where it is time to dump a feed. Do you know how many dirty names we have for "Feed Dump"? There's "Dumpin'", "Fumpin'", "F-Dumping", "F-Dumpling"...I mean, basically, any pun on "Dump" (also meaning "poo")...we've used it. But, anyhow, this week, we're characters from "Buffy". I am Willow, so I'm a witch and I'm into "lady magic", {WINKS} if you know what I mean. {CLICKS TONGUE} Joining me this week is "Anya"...

Kate: Now, I've never watched "Buffy" but my sources tell me that she, uh, loves money, is snarky and is an ex-demon. It's perfect!

Kathleen: And "Oz".

Beej: Woof.

Kathleen: And we're all trapped in life-or-death situations! And also we gotta deal with demons and vampires and hell-hounds and...meh, whatever...

{TITLE: BUFFY! BUFFY! SHE'S OUR MAN! IF SHE CAN'T DO IT...NO ONE CAN! ...WAIT..}

Kathleen: Ah, elections. The unimpeachable foundation of our democracy! The place where a single person's vote really can make a difference! Unless you live in Mississippi...where an election for city council ended in a tie, so they're just gonna flip a coin to decide the winner at random.

Beej: Don't know why they didn't do it that way to START with. Would've saved everyone a whole bunch of money. {THINKS} Except for the 25-cent piece they had to...{MIMICS FLIPPING A COIN}...flip.

Kathleen: Out of 1600 registered voters, only 354 turned out to vote and that lead to two candidates tied at exactly 177 votes apiece. So, really, the problem here is not democracy. It's the fact that nobody wants to vote. Poplarville, what can you do to make your elections more exciting?!

Kate: Well, Kathleen, back in 2005, Victoria had a six-foot piece of poop aptly named "Mr. Floaty" running for mayor.

Kathleen: {EXCITED} That sound amazing! How many votes did he get?

Kate: None. He was disqualified...because he's not a human. Because he's a piece of poop. I don't know what you expected from that, Kathleen.

Beej: Freebies!

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} You can't bribe people to vote.

Beej: No, I mean, like, literally, free bees. Like, "If you don't vote, I will fill your house with bees."

{IN RED CAMERA FILTER, IN SCRATCHY VOICE} The bees are wicked angry!

Kathleen: OK, I got it! We'll appeal to everybody's heart and we'll say, {"STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" STARTS} "Democracy is amazing! Remember how your forefathers fought the British for the right to determine their own affairs? To have representatives elected for the people and by the people?!"

{CUT TO FULL COUCH SHOT, BEEJ ON iPHONE, BOTH HE AND KATE UNIMPRESSED}

Beej: That sounds terrible. {MUSIC STOPS WITH RECORD SCRATCH FX}

Kate: Yeah. Bish you crey.

Beej: {PUTS DOWN iPHONE, DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #Crey

Kate: {DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #Crey

Kathleen: {DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #MyFaithInHumanityDyingALittleBit

{CUT TO FULL COUCH SHOT, BEEJ BACK ON iPHONE, AS IS KATE}

Beej: Oh, shit! That's trending!

Kate: Yeah, right behind "Bish You Crey"!

Kathleen: A gravedigger in Spain has been suspended from his job after a picture of him posing with a 23-year-old cadaver that he dug up went viral on social media.

Kate: I really don't see the issue here. I mean, he's getting out probably more than most corpses his age.

Beej: No, I think this is just viral marketing for the reboot of the "Weekend at Bernie's" franchise. We've done worse.

{CUT TO QUICK MONTAGES OF MOVIE POSTERS OF "REBOOTED" FRANCHISES, ENDING WITH THE WORDS, "WE CERTAINLY HAVE" SUPERIMPOSED ON THEM}

Kathleen: If you make a sex tape with you and your partner, you should not threaten to release it when you break up. You should certainly not threaten to release it unless your ex cleans your apartment for you.

Kate: Goddamn it! The jig is up! How am I gonna get my apartment cleaned now?!

Beej: {PULLING HIS HAIR} Oh, if only I had this life advice ten years ago! I wouldn't've had to clean so many apartments!

Kate: {DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #Scrub. In more ways than one.

Beej: Wait, this doesn't make any sense. If you threaten to release a sex tape if they don't clean your apartment, they'll just come to your apartment, find the sex tape, throw it out and then leave! And then you don't have a sex tape AND you don't have a clean apartment!

Kate: {TO BEEJ} THAT'S your issue with this situation?!

Kathleen: Also, he was arrested for - and then pled guilty to - blackmail and he's, uh, gonna go to jail so there's that.

Beej: {DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #ThugLife...Literally.

Kathleen: To continue this week's trend of people making VERY poor life choices, a man in Saint Augustine, Florida was arrested because he was impersonating a cop. How was he arrested? Well, he pulled over a real cop to give him a fake ticket.

Kate: What if the guy he pulled over was also impersonating a cop? Huh? Role-playing?

Beej: {TO KATE} I think you're taking your LARP way too far, Kate.

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} I don't know what you're talking about, Beej.

{CUT TO BEEJ WITH POLICE HAT AND SHIRT ON AND SHADES OVER HIS EYES, PRETENDING TO BE BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A CAR. KATE, ALSO WITH A POLICE HAT ON, LEANS OVER AND PRETENDS TO KNOCK ON THE WINDOW OF THE CAR (WITH KNOCKING FX). BEEJ "ROLLS DOWN THE WINDOW" AS CAMERA PANS OUT TO FULL COUCH SHOT}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} Uh, sir?

Beej: {WEARING POLICE HAT, SHIRT AND GLASSES} Yes?

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} I am the, uh, police...

Beej: {WEARING POLICE HAT, SHIRT AND GLASSES} You don't say?

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} {HOLDS HAND OUT} Please to give me money for ticket now.

Beej: {WEARING POLICE HAT, SHIRT AND GLASSES} {SMILING WICKEDLY} Oh, good!

Kathleen: What I don't understand is why, if you're going through all the trouble of impersonating a police officer, you're doing something as BORING as pulling people over! Cops get to do WAY more exciting things! What would YOU do?

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} I would strip search EVERYBODY.

Beej: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND GLASSES} I would let everyone strip search ME.

Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE HAT} I would help old ladies get their cats out of trees so I could touch more cats!

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} I would shoot drugs. {PAUSE} Out of my GUN!

Beej: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND GLASSES, HOLDING PROP GUN} I am...Drug Cop! {AIMS TO HIS LEFT} Meth to see you! {"FIRES" FIVE SHOTS (WITH SOUND AND LIGHT FX)}

Kate: Wait,...Kathleen, did you just put gunshot noises into that last clip?

Kathleen: Well, what ELSE am I supposed to put in there?! What does meth sound like?!?

Kate: Despair.

Beej: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND GLASSES} I would run red lights...{REMOVES GLASSES}...through the SAME intersection! {TWIRLS HIS FINGER IN A FIGURE EIGHT MOTION TO ILLUSTRATE}

Kate: {WEARING POLICE HAT} I would direct traffic...into a lake. {HOLDS UP PROP GUN AND WAVES IT} Just, "Over here, guys. That's it. Yeah, just keep going." {STOPS WAVING} Oh, Kathleen, I'm actually gonna need some gunshot noises. Cue? {"FIRES" THE GUN UPWARDS...BUT WE HEAR BEEJ SAYING, "NO!" WITH EACH "SHOT"}

Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE HAT AND GLASSES} When it comes to "Feed Dump",...{REMOVES SUNGLASSES TO REVEAL ACTUAL EYEGLASSES} I am the law! {GIGGLES}

Kate: {DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #CSI

Kathleen: And with that, the circle of "Feed Dump" is complete. And, sadly, that means we must draw this episode to a close. But, {DOES "HASHTAG FINGERS"} #Remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON A LION-HEAD-SHAPED TOOK}...THIS hat. Rawr! Now, the reason WHY other sources of news don't have this hat is because they would look SILLY wearing it. But I have the composure and fortitude to be able to wear this hat and still look like a serious newsman...newslady...newslion? News-thing. Good-bye.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS...WHICH, FOR SOME REASON, HAS IAN AND SERGE'S NAMES INSTEAD OF KATE AND BEEJ'S}

{CUT TO KATHLEEN, APPARENTLY JUST AFTER SHE REMOVES HER SUNGLASSES FROM THE LAST SCENE}

Kathleen: I am the law!

{KATHLEEN AND BEEJ CRACK UP}

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} That's deeper!