Never Skip Dong Day Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Never Skip Dong Day

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we are "boy bands". I am "Take That"...'cause, whatever I said, I didn't mean it. Joining me this week is "The Backstreet Boys"...

Kate: Backstreet's back! All right!

Graham: ...and "J Soul Brothers from Exile Tribe".

Ian: Part of a rich, oral tradition.

Graham: {POINTS TO IAN} He did NOT make that up.

{TITLE: FLOSS GOLD TEETH FOR A RICH, ORAL TRADITION}

Graham: An Italian man was found "not guilty" of groping his female colleges because the court determined that he was not actually driven by sexual desire but, rather, an immature sense of humor.

Ian: {COVERS HIS MOUTH AND CHUCKLES A LITTLE} "Misdemeanors".

Kate: Officer, yes...yes, I did STAB that guy...but, in my defense, I find farts hilarious.

Ian: Seriously, though, we need to lock this guy up before he discovers quoting "Monty Python". He could be extremely dangerous.

Graham: {HOLDING iPHONE} The judges said that the things he did - which they AGREE he did - were, quote: {READING FROM iPHONE} "objectively brought on by an immature and inappropriate sense of humor, mixed in with a veiled abuse of power and an (albeit improper) way of establishing hierarchical relationships in the office"...which is, apparently, fine!

Kate: Sounds like a Martha Stewart recipe. "We're gonna start with, uh, two cups 'inappropriate humor', just a dash of 'abuse of power' and a pinch of 'inappropriate workplace'...and here's a dirty old man that I prepared earlier."

Ian: Thank God we didn't go for the Emeril Lagasse jokes...

Kate: So, basically, what happened is the judge said, "Here's a bunch of stuff you're definitely not supposed to do in the eyes of society or the law...but, y'know what? Don't worry about it. Just run along, you scamp."

Graham: And now ANOTHER story from Italy but this one's NOT about gross old men...unless you...hate dairy farmers. We've all heard of "pork futures" but an Italian dairy co-op is now selling bonds backed with Parmesan cheese.

Kate: Wait,...I don't really understand this. I...buy cheese...and then later I get...money? {LOOKS TO GRAHAM} Or do I get more cheese?

Ian: If, after aging, you have more cheese than you started with, you MAY have a problem with your cheese.

Graham: The bonds will pay out five-percent per year until they mature in 2022.

Kate: {OFF-SCREEN} The bonds or the cheese?!

Graham: {GLANCING AT KATE} Right?

Ian: No joke, where do I sign up? I was just wondering how I'm going to feed myself in my retirement.

Graham: What do you think YOUR last words will be?

Ian: "Not in the face!"

Kate: "Bury me with my cheese bonds."

Ian: "How many lights do YOU see? Why are they getting BIGGER?!"

Kate: "Dude! Dude! Dude, dude, dude, dude..."

Graham: All good options...but, for a man in Wales, his...{STARTS TO BREAK}...this is not funny. A man died. "A Man died, Graham!" His last words were, "Watch this!" as he rolled a McDonald's cheeseburger into a ball and tried to eat it in one bite.

Kate: Wait. Was this a cheese...BOND-burger? 'Cause you should never shove anything down your throat that has growth potential.

Ian: I'm hoping that someone, in fact, DID watch that. Because his is too great a story to be lost to the ages.

Kate: It would be rude to deny a dying man's last wish.

Ian: Besides, everyone knows you've gotta roll OUT a burger if you're gonna eat it in one go. Goes right down.

Graham: Actually, the pros strategy for "competitive eating" is to saturate the bun with in, usually, water but, in this case, I guess..."orange drink"?

Ian: I'm really worried about photos of this story, too, because, usually, when people die, their faces contort in sort of...I dunno. I wanna say...a "grimace"?

Kate: Did NOBODY in this McDonald's know the Heimlich at all?! It's in and then up.

Ian: Also, conveniently, the directions to the ball pit in the "Play Place"!

Graham: Yeah, y'see, HIS problem is he went in and then DOWN and it stopped about {POINTS TO JUST BELOW HIS ADAM'S APPLE} here...'cause, apparently, he didn't chew.

Ian: Chewing is something you DEFINITELY want to do with EVERY meal and McDonald's. The thing you WANT to avoid doing is feeling.

Graham: According to the paramedics, with a 3-inch diameter "food ball" lodged in the back of his throat, death would've come very quickly. So at LEAST his stupid death was fast.

Kate: Fast and stupid...just like their food.

Ian: And, I hope, with a smile.

Graham: A grieving family in Shuberry, England was real upset to discover that the flower arrangement they had ordered for a funeral of a Jack Russel terrier arrived with what looked like FIVE legs.

Kate: The...the fifth one? {WHISPERS} It's not a leg.

Ian: I didn't know that KFC did edible arrangements.

Kate: Ian, it's, um,....it's a penis.

Ian: I didn't know that edible arrangements DID penises.

Kate: They're FLOWERS. They're NOT edible!

Ian: {HOLDING PURPLE ROSE} You need to keep a more open mind, Kate. {BITES OFF A PETAL OF THE FLOWER}

Graham: For their part, the flower shoppe that DID the arrangement said the Jack Russell terrier looked fine {CUT TO SHOT OF ARRANGEMENT} when it left the place and that it had been tampered with.

Kate: Oh, oh, oh! "JACKED" Russell terrier. Huh? {SNAPS FINGERS} Nailed it!

Ian: Yeah, there's some sick pipes on that puppy. {HOLDS UP FIVE FINGERS} All FIVE of them.

Kate: {FRUSTRATED} Ian! Penis!

Ian: They can get ripped. I, for one, never skip "Dong Day".

Graham: And I got the perfect thing to wear...when you're doing your "Dong Day" exercises. Because there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{DONS COLORED BRIMLESS HIT}...THIS hat...uh, which is from Guatemala. And, um, I don't...know enough about Guatemala to make any bad jokes. So, {THUMBS UP} congratulations, Guatemala. You get off scot-free this time. Except that...I don't know anything about you. So that's embarrassing. {PLAYS WITH SOMETHING IN THE BACK OF THE HAT} It has a thing at the back...so that's neat.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF KATE AS OTHERS TALK TO HER ABOUT THE LAST STORY}

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Wang?

{KATE BREAKS}

Unidentified off-screen female: "Floppy finger"?

Kate: How many of these can I get in?

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Do as many as you want.