Mexican Sex, Dolphins & Nudists Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Mexican Sex, Dolphins & Nudists
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where our staff has been up all night baking you a fresh batch of news. I'm Graham, an apple crisp. Joining me this week is Andy, a blackberry crumble,
Andy: You know you want to eat me! {MUGS} 'Cause I'm delicious!
Graham: And Jer, a peach cobbler.
Jer: Peaches don't wear shoes, Graham.
Graham: And now, I'm hungry. And a little confused?
{TITLE: AND A LITTLE CONFUSED?/NEWS}
Graham: Considering having a sex scandal? I often do. You should go to Mexico where 57% of the population {READING FROM IPAD} are somewhat likely or likely to tolerate sexual indiscretions of stars and politicians.
Jer: Is this just like, visiting politicians? Like, all the senators in the US? Or do they have their own as well.
Andy: Oh! Does internet famous count? 'Cause- no, I sunburn easily. Shoot.
Graham: This was a world-wide poll, with Mexico being the most forgiving, and Japan being the least forgiving. Second place to Mexico: the Belgians! So, there's another option if you don't like the sun.
Andy: That's great, 'cause I know about forty sexy positions that involve waffles. And Hercule Poirot!
Graham: What a coincidence! Waffles and Hercule Poirot are the only things I know about Belgium, too!
The captain of Italy's national swim team recently lost in an exhibition race against a pair of dolphins. This is apparently news.
Andy: Next up Usain Bolt races cheetahs, and if he loses he's eaten alive.
Jer: Next time the Italian track team needs to take on two dolphins, and THEN we'll see who wins!
Graham: He said of the dolphins, who had to swim twice as many lengths as he did, "I've never had such tough opponents."
Jer: Yeah, well dolphin opponents are dicks!
Andy: {WHISTLES LIKE A DOPHIN} Brrrrr! Brrrrr! {GIVES THE DOUBLE FINGER REPEATEDLY: THE DOUBLE DEUCE} Brrrrr! Brrrrr! {MIMES THRUSTING} Brrrrr! Brrrrr!
Graham: South Carolina transit officials are moving a bus stop at the request of parents, who were a little weirded out that their kids had to wait for the school bus in the parking lot of a strip club.
Andy: {WEARING ORANGE CAP THAT SAYS "PAY LESS GAS"} {DRUNKENLY} Hey kid, you got any singles? Come oooon, your mom's workin' today! Come on! C- oh, you seen 'em. Come on, they're nice! Yeaaaaaah. Yeaah, talk about milk money OOOOOOH! Come here, kid! Come here! Give your Uncle Frank a hug.
Jer: {WEARING BLUE CAP WITH RED BRIM, HOLDING DOLLAR BILLS} {IN CHILDISH VOICE} I'm slightly concerned about the number of new Uncles I've acquired in the last three weeks.
Graham: {WEARING ORANGE CAP THAT SAYS "PAY LESS GAS"} {IN GRUFF NEW YAWK ACCENT} You know little girl, you should stay in school, or else, I mean, {POINTS} you know there's options.
Andy: {WEARING LONG BLONDE WIG} {VALLEY GIRL ACCENT} I'm paying my way through college. OK, so, I'm going to college to become a stripper. But, still. {JER'S HAND REACHES OVER WITH A FOLDED UP DOLLAR AND PUTS IT IN HIS SHIRT} I think that is- {SHOUTING} NOOO. NOOOOOOOOOOO. NO, I'M NOT WORKING! YOU GO AWAY! {JER'S HAND PUTS ANOTHER DOLLAR IN HIS SHIRT} {ANDY LAUGHS} Hey! This is really quite disturbing. {MUMBLING} I'm not sure how I approve about this.
Graham: We're going to make Jer and Andy guess a thing!
{TITLE: PAUL AND MATT HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT GRAHAM IS TALKING ABOUT (but with "ANDY" and "JER" pasted over Paul and Matt.)}
Graham: I sometimes catch myself singing that song just... just because. Don't know why. {READS FROM IPAD} Alright, got a story here from San Francisco. They are cracking down on public nudity, because while San Francisco is generally OK with public nudity, apparently, quote "there are nudists who are not doing what they should."
The supervisor cracking down on this ordinance has a name that I'm sure the author of this article thought was hi-larious. What is it?
Andy: 'K, obvious choice is Seamour Butts. Phil Macrakin... uh... J-Jerry Bruckhimer.
Jer: Dick Piddlesworth?
Andy: Dick Dickerson?
Jer: Richard Dickerson?
Andy: Harry... anything, really.
Jer: Penis... Dong... Johnson?
Andy: Florence Thistletwat.
Jer: I thought we established this was a male police officer. {ANDY LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
{PAN TO ANDY}
Andy: It's San Francisco! It could go either way.
Graham: I personally really liked Florence Thistletwat, but, uh, unfortunately it was the rather normal but no less hilarious name Scott Weiner.
Jer: I'm sorry, San Francisco's supervisor is I think the part of this that we need to sort of hone in on, because supervisor of...
Andy: Of... the gayness.
{PAN TO JER}
Jer: Who supervises nudists to make sure they're being nudists properly?
{PAN TO ANDY}
Andy: So like, who watches the watchmen sort of thing?
{PAN TO JER}
Jer: Exactly!
{PAN TO ANDY}
Andy: This... must... be a board, like, to propose stuff. Like there's some sort of, there's an official government branch that supervises nudists to make sure they're doing as they should. Which is I guess being naked?... and... and in a polite and subtle way.
Graham: A Florida woman has been charged with battery after claiming to be a vampire and biting a man in a wheelchair. On the FACE.
Andy: Darwin is um... so... pray... understand. Face biting? That's offside. That's... no. That, no. Red flag. For {MIMES REF CALL} for paddle... I don't know sports.
Jer: Face... probably unnecessary, there probably would have been... varicose veins... bed sores... if not there then elsewhere in Florida.
Andy: If she's one of these decent vampires, she'd bite him in the leg, since he probably can't feel it anyway. I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Graham: The victim said he fell asleep on his motorized wheelchair, and woke up with this woman on top of him, who then said {READING FROM IPAD} "I'm a vampire, I am going to eat you." And then started biting him. Again, on the FACE.
WHO BITES THE FA- you never hear like, oh yeah, I got bit in the face.
Jer: So... he wakes up to find the woman already on top of him. She then explains to him that she's a vamp. What was she actually doing?
{CUT TO JER WEARING STRAW SHOWMAN'S HAT WITH BACK TO CAMERA, ANDY WEARING RED WIG, FACING CAMERA, SITTING ON JER'S LAP}
Andy: Oh! You're awake! OK... aaah... I'm A VAMPIRE! I'M GONNA EAT YOU! {LAUGHS} {MIMES BITING}
Graham: Now that you have that image seared on your retinas forever, that's it from Feed Dump this week. Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but {IN JAMAICAN ACCENT} day don't 'ave 'dis 'at! {PUTS ON JAMAICAN FLAG COLORED HAT WITH DREDS BUILT IN} Aaaa-I'm really sorry about that accent. Why did that sound like Count Von Count to me? I was like, "'but day don't 'ave dis 'at! {LAUGHS LIKE THE COUNT} HA! HA! HA!" Is Count von Count Jamaican?
Andy: {WEARING JAMAICAN FLAG COLORED HAT WITH DREDS BUILT IN} {IN JAMAICAN ACCENT} One piece a jerk chicken! HA! HA! HA! Two piece of HA! HA!- not racist, cultural satire! Thank you.
Graham: {WEARING JAMAICAN COLORED HAT WITH DREDS BUILT IN} Thank you, see, we're performing a service. {TWIRLS DRED AROUND A FINGER}
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: The article goes on to mention that a mother who waits at the stop with her kids was upset because she had to explain to her four year old what the word "topless" means. No. No you didn't. Because you're a parent. And parents lie. You didn't have to explain it. There's always the standby "I'll tell you when you're older."
{SHOT OF BOTH JER AND ANDY}
Jer: And knowing is half the battle.
{JER AND ANDY HIGH FIVE DRAMATICALLY}
