Marsupial Squad Goals Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Marsupial Squad Goals

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where yesterday was St. Patrick's Day so, today, we are "places we've woken up hung over". I am "my bedroom, except that it's spinning madly and I really don't appreciate it". I vastly am in favor of stationary bedrooms. Joining me this week is "a dumpster"...

Alex: I don't drink; I just...feel safe.

Graham: ...and "a five-star hotel room under an assumed name"

Kate: Look, I don't know how I got here but, if anybody asks, I am Beyonce.

{TITLE: HANGOVERS MAKE EVERYONE PALE}

Graham: A 24-year-old Colombian woman was arrested in Frankfort, Germany for attempting to smuggle a kilogram of cocaine...where?

Kate: I'm just gonna go the easy route and say...vagina?

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} That's the EASY route?!

Kate: For some, maybe?

Alex: To Germany?

Kate: To perpetuate the stereotype, inside of a schnitzel?

Alex: Cocaine boot?

Kate: Inside of a turtle, which she has ALSO smuggled.

Alex: Inside some dreary East German architecture.

Kate: {HOLDING UP A REAL LIVE BABY (POSSIBLY PENELOPE STARK?)} Inside a baby.

Graham: Ah, no, panelists. I'm sorry. The answer we were looking for was: breasts.

Kate: Tell me you mean, "in her bra"...like in her bra but not actually her boobs. Please...

{SHOT OF ALEX PRETENDING TO "MOTORBOAT" SAID BOOBS...AND THEN DEEPLY SNIFF THE COCAINE FROM THEM}

Graham: {TO KATE} Uh, no. I'm sorry to report is was, in fact, a 500-gram bag surgically inserted into each of her boobs.

Kate: {DISGUSTED} No. No...no...that...no.

Graham: The estimated "street value" of this cocaine: 200,000 Euros...about $220,000 US.

Kate: So, Graham, I know you said it was in, like, 500-gram (I'm assuming) baggies. But, in my head, I'm thinking just, like, a "kay". Just, like, a brick on cocaine, just here...{MOTIONS TO JUST ABOVE HER BREASTS}...just square tits.

Alex: That's how she got busted. She left her in-flight beverages on her literal "boob-shelf".

Graham: The police in Charlton, Massachusetts are warning residents to be on the lookout for people challenging passers-by to "rap battles".

Alex: I didn't know John Cena was in Massachusetts.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} He's from West Newbury.

Alex: No shit?!?

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} He's FROM Massachusetts.

{ALEX LOOKS TO THE CAMERA, SHOCKED. THE FRAME FREEZES AS JOHN CENA'S THEME MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND}

Kate: Breaking news: Charlton, Mass. imports pallets of Chef Boyardee because they've run out of mom's spaghetti.

Alex: So, what? Are these rap battle vigilantes rolling around and serving fools?

Kate: Wait, so why were the police warning people about this? What happens if you lose?

Alex: I believe I said you "get served".

Kate: With court papers?

Alex: Yeah, it's iron clad. You go straight to jail.

Graham: If I may relay to you the single incident that provoked this public warning: {READS FROM iPHONE} "Some teens were walking home when a black SUV containing a group of men in THEIR late teens or early twenties pulled up. One of the men got out and started rapping. One of the other men in the SVU ask the teens if they wanted to, quote, 'spit some bars'. The teens declined and the SUV drove off. Police say doesn't APPEAR to be an attempted abduction, but the boys were frightened."

Kate: I don't want to sound even SLIGHTLY racist, but that is the whitest thing that I have EVER heard.

Alex: We don't have the entire text of this warning. Maybe the cops were telling people to have some freestyle rhymes in the people's back pocket so they're ready to bust.

Kate: Police are warning parents tonight to educate their children on internal rhyme scheme, stage presence and...{ACTS LIKE SHE'S LOOKING DOWN AT A REPORT}..."spitting from the dome".

Graham: I love the subtle editorialization at the end of this article because the last line is: "Charlton's website says that it is one of the 50 safest cities in Massachusetts." And there's just a lot to unpack there.

Alex: First of all, "top 50 safest"?! Ooooo, you could be 49!

Kate: It sounds like they're honestly afraid of just anything that is not literally the status quo.

Alex: Although, if "rap ambushes" are the worst thing the city has to worry about, {SHRUGS} maybe that's not so bad?

Graham: And now, to Australia. We don't get to rag on Australia very often. The official opposition party in the government released a booklet criticizing the party in power for wasteful spending, including AU$400,000 on "koala- and other marsupial-related events".

Kate: In MY opinion, that is money well-spent.

Alex: I mean, it sounds like a slam dunk for the tourism board. Economics, doo, doo, doo...

Kate: Honestly, I spent WAY more on MY "marsupial-related events" last year. Why do you think I'm broke all the time? It's just a constant stream of koala birthday parties.

Alex: {TO KATE} Dingo showers?

Kate: {TO ALEX} I'm...pretty sure that's a sex thing.

Alex: {HOLDING UP iPHONE AS IF TO LOOK IT UP} IS it?

Kate: Look, whom am I to "kink shame"?

Graham: Singled out specifically is former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbot spending AU$24,000 of taxpayer money to let Vladimir Putin hug a koala.

Alex: How much would it cost to PREVENT Vladimir Putin from hugging a koala? Or ANYONE?!

Kate: I think, no matter who you are or what you've done, you shouldn't have your basis human rights of hugging a koala taken away from you.

Graham: The opposition goes on to criticize foreign minister Julie Bishop spending AU$130,000 on taking diplomats to Western Australia where they could hug wombats.

Kate: New life dream: become the Canadian Ambassador to Australia where they will then take their taxpayer dollars, fly me out there so I can hug fluffy creatures. {GRAHAM HOLDS A KOALA DOLL INTO THE CAMERA SIGHT AND KATE TAKES A SELFIE OF HER WITH IT} Squad goal.

{GRAHAM NOW HOLDS THE KOALA IN FRONT OF HIM IN ONE HAND. ALEX AND KATE EVENTUALLY REACH IN TO "PET" THE DOLL}

Graham: Really, that's EVERYONE's squad goal. So, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have this hat...{DONS A RED "CRAB" CAP}...which is a "crab-man"...and, uh, is posable...and...looks pretty great, I think. If you need to be spotted in a crowd, this is a pretty good way to do it. {REACHES WITH HIS SPARE HAND TO PET THE KOALA DOLL ALONG WITH KATE AND ALEX}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kate: I have this itch on the very inside of my nose and I don't want to stick my finger up into it.

Alex: {OFF-SCREEN} Get in there.

Kate: {TO CAMERA} I'm just there for you, Ian.

{GRAHAM TRIES STICK HIS FINGER IN BUT KATE SWATS IT AWAY AS SHE LAUGHS}