Man Delivers Baby Porcupine Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Man Delivers Baby Porcupine

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are attaching things to other things. I am a Coaxial Connector. Joining me this week is BNC,

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {IN BRITISH ACCENT} Stiff upper lip, chaps. {SALUTES}

Graham: And an iPhone cable.

Amy: But not the new iPhone cable, the old one. You know, the one you don't need.

{TITLE: OH HEY I NEED THAT THING TO CONNECT MY ONE THING TO MY OTHER THING! LOL NOPE/CABLES!}

Graham: A Main Man who- sorry. A man from Maine who was searching for wild mushrooms ended his day by performing a C-section on a dead porcupine.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} What-

Amy: -The-

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} -Fuck?!

Amy: Wait, he was doing this on a dead porcupine?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I feel as though he would have had a lot more difficulty attempting that on a live porcupine.

What kind of mushrooms was he picking?

Amy: I just assumed it was the drugs kind.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I am so fucked on mushrooms, I'm just gonna cut open this porcupine. Good thing I brought this scalpel and sutures.

Amy: What if it was just a food baby?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Yeah, the last thing you wanna say to a fat porcupine is "When are you due?"

Graham: Okay, so the way that this went down is he saw the porcupine get hit by a car and was like "Aww, that sucks. But, if I recall correctly, there's a mineral deposit in a porcupine's stomach that gets used in Chinese herbal medicine."

Amy: Who was he hoping to sell it to, who lives in Maine?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} ...Lobster fishermen? I don't know that much about Maine.

Graham: So he cut the porcupine open and was like, "Uh oh, there's a bahby." And he cut the umbilical cord and like massaged its little teeny heart, and now it's alive and actually doing fairly okay.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Wow, it's like the first time herbal medicine has actually ever saved a life!

Graham: The man is currently caring for the baby porcupine himself, but he does plan to give it to a licensed wildlife rehabilitation center.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That's good. I feel like they would be more able to locate and dispense porcupine milk.

Amy: I don't think anyone's qualified to milk a porcupine.

Graham: Owing to the growing societal popularity of {RUBS HANDS ON BEARD} beards, you can now get facial hair transplants. {BEAT} Which is exciting.

Amy: Wait, hold on. First thought, where are they getting the hair from?

You can't put head hair on your face, that would look weird. So it's basically pubes?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {PUTTING ON DRAMATIC POSE} It's perfect. My chin is attractive to women, and I feel oh so breezy.

Graham: My question is, are people who have had a beard transplant barred from the international mustache and beard competitions? 'Cause that seems like a performance enhancing procedure.

Amy: {WEARING LONG RED BEARD} That's discrimination!

{SHOT OF AMY AND ALEX ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING HIS BLACK CAP. AMY IS STILL WEARING THE LONG RED BEARD.}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} So...

Amy: {WEARING LONG RED BEARD} Yeah?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} That's natural?

Amy: {WEARING LONG RED BEARD} How dare you!

Graham: An eight year old girl from South Carolina wants to make the official state fossil the woolly mammoth which is just fine and was going ahead perfectly, but is now being held up by a South Carolina legislature that wants to amend that by making sure to give credit to God for creating the woolly mammoth.

Amy: What about this is not offensive?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} So is this holding up any other legislation? Like are they not gonna be able to pass a parking by-law until they give credit to God for creating cars?

Graham: {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} And as it says in the book of Genesis, on the fourth day God created the El Camino, and if we do not credit our Lord as we put these parking by-laws into place, then I don't know what country I'm living in, sah! {IN NORMAL VOICE} I don't know if people from South Carolina talk like that, but I am.

Amy: So can they just pass a blanket law that says "We give God credit for everything, just leave us alone now"?

Graham: And while it is wonderful that this eight year old wants to make this the official state fossil of South Carolina, it's still a little awkward because the reason that she wants to make it the state fossil is that {READS FROM BLACK IPHONE} the remains of a woolly mammoth was found in South Carolina in 1725... by slaves.

Amy: That's the only part of that that wasn't offensive, and now it is.

Graham: With Facebook places and Foursquare and people checking in about where they are and the location they're Tweeting from, be really easy to like follow someone without them knowing. But a new app tells you how to avoid people! Split is for people who have just broken up and don't want to see each other anymore, uh, and not only will it tell you "Whoa, so-and-so's there and they're coming towards you and you better watch out," it will also suggest escape routes to avoid awkward social situations.

Amy: I'm pretty sure I already heard about this one. I think it only works if you both have all your location information available and possibly if you already both have the app, which I think means you probably just are fine avoiding each other, mutually.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} So presumably, if the two of you are mature enough to mutually install this app, what's the worst case scenario if you do meet? You're awkward for a little bit and then leave?

{SHOT OF AMY AND ALEX ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING HIS BLACK CAP. BOTH HAVE THEIR PHONES OUT AND ARE LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Oh, uh... {INDICATES IPHONE} Mine didn't ping.

Amy: ...Mine did. This was my escape route.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} ... {GRIMACES, MOUTHS 'SORRY' AND MAKES TO GO}

Graham: Also, you would need to allow the app to get this information through your Facebook, meaning you're still friends on Facebook. So... what- just... Just deal with it!

Amy: Can't you just stalk their Twitter feed the old fashioned way to figure out where they are?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Or like, binoculars? {MIMES LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS}

Amy: A team of bloodhounds?

{WIDE SHOT OF ALEX ON THE SOFA. ALEX IS WEARING THE AUSTRALIAN SLOUCH HAT. HE PICKS UP SOMETHING OFF THE SOFA, TASTES IT AND THEN SPITS IT OUT}

Alex: {WEARING AUSTRALIAN SLOUCH HAT} An ex passed this way.

Graham: We're gonna wrap it up for this week, so remember: Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have... uh, this, which is not a hat. {HOLDS UP LITTLE SEAL SLED} It's a sled, that has a, a little seal on it, that looks like PaRappa the Rapper. But I can probably still balance it on my head. {PUTS ON LITTLE SEAL SLED} So... Yeah. Other news sources don't have this. So go us. {THE SLED FALLS OFF HIS HEAD AND ONTO HIS FEET} Ow.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {LAUGHING} It's like, {MIMES WALKING} "Be-do-be-do-de-dooo, getting some mushrooms. Oh a porcupine." {MIMES CUTTING PORCUPINE OPEN} Pttthhhhbtbtbtbt!