Knife Time! Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump Knife Time!

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where every ending is a new beginning. And, in that spirit, we are final bosses of video games! I am Dr. Neo Cortex. Darn Crash Bandicoot! Joining me this week is Adachi...

Kathleen: The game came out, like, a million years ago! Spoiler season is over!

Graham: And the last boss of "Final Fantasy X".

Evil Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS AS 'EVIL ALEX'} Sin and/or Jehct! I just stone cold don't CARE about spoilers!

{TITLE: EVIL ALEX DON'T GIVE AN EFF 'BOUT YOUR NARRATIVE INTEGRITY}

Graham: If you get overcharged at a bar, obviously your only course of action is to call 9-1-1. Or, as a man in Post Falls, Idaho did, call 9-1-1 twelve times!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Pri-ORities!

Kathleen: {HOLDING A PHONE RECEIVER, TALKING DRUNK} No, it's important! I got charged eight dollars for a double and the boy says it's only six-fifty! It was my last dollar-fifty, I didn't have bus fare and what I drivin' at is it's YOUR FAULT! YOUR FAULT!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Did they perhaps believe they were being overcharged because, at that point, they were extraordinarily drunk from just shots, shots, shots, shots...

Kathleen: OK, so beer is five-fifty but, for YOU, {CLICKS TONGUE} special deal: six-fifty.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP, HOLDING A PHONE RECEIVER} No! Y-you don't, you don't get it! They charged me for, like, fifty cocktails! And I only had...{COUNTS ON FINGERS}...Oh, shit, I did have fifty cocktails. Sorry. {HANGS UP PHONE...THEN, A FEW SECONDS LATER, PICKS IT BACK UP} Hopsital?

Graham: Despite the venue being named "Club Tequila", it was not, in fact, a bunch of cocktails. It was ten beers. For which he was horrified to have been charged thirty dollars. How cheap did he think they were if three dollars a beer is already "being overcharged"?!

Kathleen: OK, so, American viewers, you may be, like, "Yeah, he was well within his rights! Rrrrr!" In Canada - and probably many other places in the world - a three-dollar beer is a SCREAMING good deal and you should be able to inebriate yourself heartily for thirty dollars. See, here, we're excited if we can get a SIX-dollar beer. Honestly, a SEVEN-dollar beer looks pretty good to us. Because, when you go to a trendy bar, it's usually eight or nine dollars. And, when you add tax, that's a TEN-DOLLAR BEER! That is just the price of doing business at getting shit-faced in Canada! America, you don't know what you have!!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} I don't drink...and three dollars is what I expect to pay for an overpriced soda!

Kathleen: {CHUCKLES} Let me guess: overpriced soda would describe many American beers! {GIVES DOUBLE THUMBS UP AS A CANADIAN FLAG UNFURLS BEHIND HER} Ha-ha!

{THAT IMAGE SHRINKS BACK TO THE CENTER OF A "HISTOR!CA HERITAGE" TV COMMERCIAL ENDING, FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Graham: Lululemon Yoga Pants are what women put on when they don't want to wear REAL pants...so Kathleen tells me.

Kathleen: Oh, yeah. They're basically sweatpants.

Graham: And, now, MEN can have that option with Lululemon's new line of "ABC Pants"..."Anti-Ball Crushing".

{THE WORDS "WAIT FOR IT" SHOW ON THE SCREEN...FOLLOWED BY ALEX LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY OFF-CAMERA}

Graham: Alex just died.

{ALEX STILL LAUGHS OFF-SCREEN}

Kathleen: Is this a problem?! I mean, I don't HAVE testicles so I've never had a problem with the crotch-area in anything I've ever bought. But I've never seen guys just walking around in the street going, "Oooooooooh!" So I don't know if this is actually a problem but I guess there's a market...I dunno.

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} I got no fucking clue what they're on about.

Graham: Yeah, no kidding! Men have been captains of industry since there's been industry. There's no way that wouldn't be job one after designing trousers. If a pair of pants is going to CRUSH my balls, I just don't wear those pants!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} "Anti-Ball Crush" to me implies that ball-crushing is some sort of inevitability of the garment and that there are countermeasures in place in these pants.

Kathleen: Like some sort of..."buttress"?

Evil Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} More like a "ball-astrade"!

Kathleen: {TO EVIL ALEX} Are you ACTUALLY evil or do you just like puns?

Evil Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS, FILING HIS NAILS} It's provedly both!

Kathleen: Y'know, maybe I've been thinking about this all wrong. I mean, like, Lululemon's ladies' pants are designed to be as comfortable as possible while making your ass look great. So maybe this is the equivalent for men, but they don't care about asses; they're all about ball presentation here. This is to wrap up those two little spheres of hair and grossness and to make them look {KISSES FINGERS} "magnifique".

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} You want something that's gonna fondle your fruit but not bruise it? Lululemon's gotcha covered!

Kathleen: And, y'know what? If I'm right, this just proves that these pants were designed FOR men BY men. Because I can assure you no girls has ever gone up to another girl and been, like, "Oh, my God, Becky! Look at his 'scrot'! So hot!"

Graham: Why...did a 50-year-old woman from Akron, Ohio stab her 61-year-old boyfriend? Please tell me.

Kathleen: OK, I've been to a few Dumps in my time so I know I can meta-game this. It's gotta be inconsequential and stupid. {THINKS FOR A SECOND} Shart-nado!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} That doesn't sound inconsequential at ALL!

Kathleen: You think you can come in here, leave a "poop cyclone" in my bathroom?! I'm gonna STICK ya!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} He lost her spot in the TV Guide.

Kathleen: I call "shenanigans"! Nobody buys TV Guide!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP, REMOVING EYEGLASSES} The Guide was from 1960. She was READING it!

Kathleen: All right, so she's 50 and he's 61. So they're old so that means they're from a different time and have different tastes than me: Matlock, Perry Mason, probably Black Sabbath...actually they're not that old, I don't know. He ATE ALL THE CHIPS! Case closed!

Graham: {DRINKING FROM A PAPER COFFEE CUP, AS IF HE WASN'T LISTENING} Hmm? No, he ate all the SALSA.

{CUT TO KATHLEEN AND ALEX, HEADS IN HANDS IN A "FUCKIN' SERIOUSLY?!?" STANCE}

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP} Fuck...

Kathleen: ...me!

{CUT TO KATHLEEN SOLO SHOT}

Kathleen: This is like if somebody was watching an old "Pace" commercial and went, "Yeah, like that but worse!"

Alex: {IN BLACK COWBOY HAT, TALKING LIKE AN OLD WESTERNER} New York City?!? {PULLS OUT AND FLIPS A SWITCHBLADE}

Graham: {BRINGING HIS iPHONE UP TO READ} According to the police report, {READING} "Ronnie Buckner told officers he was eating salsa with his girlfriend, Phyllis Jefferson, when she started complaining he was eating all of it. Jefferson then started yelling and stabbed him with a pen. Buckner said he was trying to catch a television that Jefferson had knocked over when she grabbed a kitchen knife and stabbed him again."

{CUT TO SHOT OF BOTH KATHLEEN AND ALEX}

Kathleen: {AS PHYLLIS} Ronnie, have you been eating all the salsa?!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP, AS RONNIE} Some.

Kathleen: {AS PHYLLIS, RAISING THE SWITCHBLADE} Knife time! {BOTH KATHLEEN AND ALEX LOOK AT THE SCREEN. KATHLEEN TALKS AS HERSELF} That was a dramatic reenactment. I am not actually gonna stab Alex.

{CUT TO KATHLEEN IN A SOLO SHOT, HOLDING THE SERRATED PART OF THE KNIFE TO HER CHEEK}

Kathleen: Remember, kids, don't try this at home!

Alex: {IN BLACK CAP, HOLDING THE PHONE RECEIVER, SPEAKING IN PANIC WHILE WATCHING KATHLEEN} Policepolicepolicepolicepolicepolicepolicepolicepolicepolice... {KATHLEEN ENTERS THE SHOT, A CRAZY LOOK IN HER EYES}

Graham: {LOOKING NERVOUS} Yeah, this is why we normally make Kathleen HOST these things. Um, that's it for Feed Dump now which - Pro Tip - is now part of the myriad of contents supported by YOU are our Patreon {ADDRESS FOR PATREON APPEARS BELOW GRAHAM}, uh, and exclusively airing on loadingreadyrun.com, uh, and our YouTube Channel. So, until next time, remember, there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{PUTS ON A SKINNY HORN, STRAPPING IT TO HIS FOREHEAD}...THIS hat...which is NOT a hat. It's a unicorn horn. Uh, I come back once, like, every three months now and can't be asked to get a hat ready, no. It's a horn. (sigh) I'm feeling "horny". {PAUSE} What?!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS...WHICH PUTS KATHLEEN BEFORE GRAHAM EVEN THOUGH GRAHAM HOSTED}

{CUT TO ALEX AND GRAHAM IN THE "JOKERS" CHAIRS, GRAHAM WITH THE UNICORN HORN ON FIDDLING WITH HIS iPHONE, EVIL ALEX WITH THE DEVIL HORNS ON}

Evil Alex: {IN BLACK CAP AND DEVIL HORNS} I got your horn right here...inside my Lululemon pants.

Graham: Are you asking me if I want to make a triceratops?

---

{In the Escapist edition, Graham's introduction is changed}:

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump...or, to you watching on the Escapist, the last Feed Dump ever! Except for the ones that we will continue to produce weekly on our own YouTube channel and website, which are...{SHOWS HIS CLOSED HANDS AND OPENS THEM TO SHOW THE YouTube AND WEBSITE ADDRESSES}...here. Uh, in case you missed the announcement, um, you can read about it on our blog which is...{SWEEPS HANDS, WIPING OUT THE PREVIOUS ADDRESSES AND SHOWING THE ADDRESS OF THE BLOG POST}...here...and, uh, yeah. So, in that spirit, we are final video game bosses! I am Dr. Neo Cortex. Joining me this week is Adachi...