Jerkin' It To WoodsPorn Transcript

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Transcript for Jerkin' It To WoodsPorn

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Cam: Welcome to Feed Dump. Graham and Kathleen have been deposed this week and I have seized control of the Moonbase. Joining me are a series of aphasic euphemisms for household objects. I am a "bread mushroom". Joining me is an air horn...

Beej: I prefer the term "spray scream".

Cam: And a merry-go-round.

Paul: {WEARING HORSE HEAD MASK} Come take a ride on the "horse tornado"!

Cam: And on to today's "yell happenings".

{TITLE: THIS IS WHERE THE WORD JOKES GO. TEXT COMEDIES. BONUS AMUSEMENT}

Cam: We on Feed Dump would like to pass on our congratulations to the good people of Dorset, Minnesota who, in early August, overthrew their tyrannical mayor - 5-year-old Robert Tuffs - in a free and fair election.

Beej: His universal nap-time policy proved popular with tired working adults, but he lost their support on an 8 o'clock bedtime curfew. Not well received by mommies and daddies who like to "wrestle".

Paul: And the agricultural lobby put him through the wringer with his anti-Brussel sprout campaign.

Beej: At least he made the toy trains run on time.

Paul: He had a surprisingly-nuanced foreign policy, though. He was very much against military intervention in Iraq.

In all seriousness, though, how how did it get to this point? Who was running against him?

Cam: Since ascending to power in 2013 at the age of three, Mayor Tuffs' campaigned tirelessly for Ronald McDonald House. However, he was unseated by the ruthless 16-year-old Eric Meuller.

Beej: I'm glad the people of Dorset, Minnesota have come to their senses and elected an elder statesman for once. It's what this city needs.

Paul: Mr. Meuller's mother has assured the electorate that, after he's done all his chores and his school work and band practice, he'll be devoting the rest of his time to his mayoral duties.

Beej: Mr. Meuller went on record as being, quote, {AIR QUOTES} "stoked" to finally get a crack at that private mayoral bathroom.

Cam: The free and fair elections we reported on earlier in Dorset were an utter fabrication. Electors cast the ballot at the cost of one dollar and may vote repeatedly, with all proceeds going towards a town festival.

Paul: So, other than the money being put towards a local festival, isn't this just a normal electoral system?

Beej: The system works.

Paul: Pay more money for more votes. That's how that works, right?

{SHOT OF PAUL AND BEEJ ON THE COUCH}

Paul: Wait, when the kid originally got elected, I think we actually did it as a story on Feed Dump.

Beej: Oh, yeah, I think you're right. It does sound familiar. Oh, God, I hope we didn't re-use any of the same jokes.

Paul: This is either the same place or...that electoral system has become very popular nationwide. {BEEJ NODS}

Cam: Another casualty in a global scourge as a Welsh woman burns down her house eradicating a spider with an aerosol spray-can and a match.

Paul: I see nothing wrong with this. This is just following the military doctrine of overwhelming force. The next time a spider comes in, they'll think twice!

Beej: A fine sentiment, Paul, but that could be a problem since there really is no house left to come back to.

Cam: You heard it here first, folks. Beej: merely soft on spiders or entirely opposed to the strategies used by the Red Army to defeat the Nazis?

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} It's a nuanced position!

Cam: {LOOKING DEAD SERIOUS} There is no such thing!

Paul: I don't think the problem is that this woman used a flamethrower to try to destroy a spider. I think the problem is that more people DON'T use flamethrowers to destroy spiders. Because, if flamethrowers were a standard pest deterrent, then you can just get one at, like, a hardware store which seems like a GREAT idea.

Beej: Paul, quite literally, you CAN buy a flamethrower in a hardware store. They just goes under a different name; they're called "Tiger Torches". {PAN LEFT TO SEE PAUL HAS LEFT THE SET} Oh, shit! Where did Paul go?

Cam: This latest incident may prove to only be the most-recent in a coordinated series of strikes against beseiged American homeowners as a Seattle man in July and a Kansas woman in June both had their houses destroyed by spiders in similar incidents.

{SHOT OF PAUL RETURNING TO THE COUCH}

Paul: {TO BEEJ OFFSCREEN} You didn't say anything about having to prove I was a roofer!

Beej: IT'S NOT THE FUCKING SPIDERS THAT BURN THE HOUSES DOWN! It's the gormless idiots who make the MacGyver-grade flame thrower that they say in "Arachnophobia"!

Paul: Hey, Beej, flamethrowers don't light things on fire! The thing they are trying to light on fire with the flamethrower! THAT'S what lights things on fire!

{SHOT OF PAUL AND BEEJ ON THE COUCH, BEEJ HOLDING HIS HEAD IN FRUSTRATION}

Beej: OK, I know for a FACT that we have done this story of Feed Dump before.

Paul: No, that must have been a different story about someone building their house down because of a spider.

Beej: {WINCING A LITTLE IN THOUGHT} Is news cyclical?

Paul: {REALIZING} Uh oh. Now I'm just waiting for another story about a guy trying to smuggle a whole bunch of turtles across the border in his pants.

Cam: {WITH A MACBOOK ON HIS LAP} Fine! We'll cove a DIFFERENT story! Hold on! {TAPS ON KEYBOARD OF MACBOOK}

And, now, to revive an ancient and revered Feed Dump tradition for a new era.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND BEEJ ON THE COUCH}

Paul & Beej: {SINGING} Paul and Beej have to figure out what Cam is {BEEJ COMES IN EARLY AND PAUL CATCHES UP} talking about!

Paul: {BREAKS} We were almost too good there.

Beej: Yeah, right...

Paul: I had to, like, stop part... let's try it, try it one more time...

Paul & Beej: {SINGING, THIS TIME BEEJ GETTING PITCH ALL WRONG} Paul and Beej have to figure out what Cam is talking about!

Cam: A responsible South Carolina mother called police on her 15-year-old son after she discovered him doing...WHAT?

Beej: Taking a bribe in a local election?

Paul: Making fireworks with radioactive materials derived from smoke detectors?

Beej: Doing some sort of "shaky hips dance" with a local debutante?

Paul: Watching and participating in Feed Dump has ruined me such that my guess on this is that it's something really, really dumb. Like, he was playing too many video games and so she thought that he had to be arrested.

Cam: When the South Carolina mother returned home with her two-year-old daughter and turned on the TV, she found that pornography was playing. Her 15-year-old son was in his bedroom.

Paul: Is it just me or does this story seem like it came from the early 90s? Was the porn on, like, a VHS tape or something? Why was he watching it on television in the family room?

Beej: Even if he doesn't have a computer in his bedroom, there are more discreet options for pornography. I'm a little concerned about his J.O. situation.

{SHOT OF PAUL AND BEEJ ON THE COUCH}

Paul: Yeah, why is this kid watching it on his television? I mean, does he actually have it on, like, a VHS or a DVD? Like, the only way he could be getting the porn on his TV is, like, pay-per-view, I guess...

Beej: And you don't do that because it'll show up on the bill.

Paul: Right... or you have a DVD... which, for a 15-year-old, doesn't seem very likely.

Beej: Right, exactly.

Paul: Or you're plugging your computer INTO the television in which case... why wouldn't he take it BACK with him when he left?

Beej: Exactly. You don't just leave it there playing. {THINKS} Um.. yeah, this... this really, this... this feels like a frame-up.

Paul: {NODDING} Hmmm...

Beej: Kid, seriously, I'm gonna give you some advice. Do it the way I did it: wander around the woods for an hour-and-a-half. I gaurentee you will find woods porn. Or two bears doing it.

Cam: According to police spokesman, Lt. Kevin Bobo, no citation or arrest warrant was issued in the case, although the mother did request to have a voluntary report submitted documenting the event in case of future other troubles.

Beej: I'm disappointed in the mom. She should teach her son the same way my dad taught me about porn. When he caught me with porn, he took me back behind the shed, gave me a big box of porn and said, "Son, you're gonna smoke all this porn!"

Cam: Well,...we've managed to return home from our long walk through Beej's psyche and I welcome you back just in time to sign-out with this latest, most glorious Feed Dump ever. I'm Cameron and there might be better sources for news but they don't have {SHOWS OFF ORANGE ANGLERFISH HAT} this vintage hat from Feed Dump history: deep-sea fangly fish. It is my favorite and nobody can tell me otherwise. And I'm going to wear it. {DONS HAT, WHICH MAKES IT LOOK LIKE FISH IS EATING CAM'S HEAD} Goodbye out there, everyone. We'll see you again next week.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Beej: We may need to air dr-... we may need to air-air drop some skin mags in South Carolina. {LAUGHS}