Japan Holds Sex Lube Olympics Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Japan Holds Sex Lube Olympics

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where every other sport is finished except baseball and who cares, so it's time to care about football. That's right, World Cup, oh boy! I am of course the parade of international hotties. Grrrrrr! Joining me this week is some rules we don't understand,

Cam: Just pick it up! Pick it up!

Kathleen: And excitable announcers!

Paul: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Kathleen: And we're all newly minted experts.

{TITLE: QUICK, THE WORLD CUP IS BACK! EVERYONE PRETEND TO LIKE FOOTBALL SO WE CAN SLACK OFF AT WORK!/GOOOOAAALL! (SUBTITLE: AMERICANS, I KNOW YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SOCCER, BUT YOU'VE STILL GOT ANOTHER MONTH OF THIS.)}

Kathleen: UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon probably had a pretty exciting 70th birthday in Bolivia, when the president of Bolivia gave him a traditional Bolivian cake made with cocoa leaves. Why is that exciting? Because those are what you use to make cocaine.

Paul: So what you're telling me is, that wasn't icing sugar? Uh oh.

Cam: {TALKING RAPIDLY} Okay, so what we're going to do now is we're going to implement a new round of sanctions on Iran, and it'll work out great because the Pakistanis will love it and the Iraqis will also... do really well and the Syrians will, you know, like stop doing that thing over there and then we'll like institute a new round of talks with North Korea and the Chinese and the probably Russians at this point, I don't even know.

Paul: Oh, that's way better than our traditional food. All Canadians have is like poutine.

Cam: {TALKING NORMALLY} I don't know, you could get a pretty good buzz off clubbing a seal.

Kathleen: Dateline: Jackson, Michigan. A man wants to come up with a cunning plan to get some drugs and cellphones to his friends on the inside of a local prison. So does he start a company and smuggle them in through a suspicious contract? Does he dig a daring tunnel? No, he just stuffs all that crap inside a football and tries to throw it over the fence.

It didn't make it and he got caught.

Paul: If it was me, checking how tall the fence is would be the first thing I would do, 'cause if it's too tall for me to throw a football over it, then every other part of the plan is completely pointless!

Cam: What, is hooping not good enough for today's smugglers?

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} I don't know what that means.

Cam: It's cramming it up your butt.

Paul: Cam, that's ridiculous. Nobody's gonna be able to cram a football up their ass.

Cam: {HOLDING WHITE IPHONE} That's objectively not true, and I've got something bookmarked right here.

Kathleen: Meanwhile, in Switzerland, I kid you not, this made like front page Swiss news headlines, a cow was found on the roof of a farmhouse.

Paul: They should check the cow for drugs and cellphones. Maybe someone was trying to smuggle things into a nearby prison and didn't quite make it.

Cam: To be fair, a cow on a rooftop probably grievously offends the Swiss sense of order as exemplified by their banking institutions and watches... and cheese.

Kathleen: Their cheese is full of holes.

Cam: Which makes it roughly as transparent as their banking laws.

Kathleen: {HOLDING WHITE IPHONE} Listen to this: {READS} "Stunned cyclist Rolf Steiner spotted the adventurous animal chilling out on the slippery slate roof of a farmhouse near the capital Bern. 'I couldn't believe my eyes and had to look three times to make sure I was seeing what I thought I was seeing. A cow on the roof,' he said."

Paul: I like to think that a whole bunch of people went by the farmhouse and were just like, "Oh yeah, cow. That's cool." And then five minutes later were like, "Wait a minute, that cow was on a roof!"

Cam: Actually they were probably way more like, "Achtung! C'est une vache! Allons'y le Jean-Damme!"

Kathleen: Meanwhile in Japan, the sex lube grand athletic meet was just held in Tokyo. It was a rousing success. {WINKS}

Cam: {HOLDING UP HAND} M-E-A-T, or M-E-E-T?

Paul: At first glance, this seems like a silly idea, but then think about the Olympics and how much better every single sport would be if everyone was covered in lube.

Cam: Especially dressage.

Kathleen: Basically a hundred people got together in a warehouse in Tokyo, covered themselves up in lotion which is the Japanese term for sex lube, and uh did all sorts of sports, {READS FROM IPHONE} such aaaaassss "tug-of-rope, sumo, obstacle course, giant ball relay."

Cam: Can I just get audio for this event?

Paul: I guess that would be good, but when I was saying the Olympics, I was thinking like real Olympic events, like fencing or the pole vault.

{SHOT OF CAM AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Cam: I would love to see this happen with shot put, discus... javelin.

Paul: Mmmhmm, mmmhmm. And uh... oh I mean of course, the clean and jerk.

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN MIMING AIMING A JAVELIN, THEN THE JAVELIN SLIPPING OUT OF HER HANDS. KATHLEEN LOOKS SHOCKED AND SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSED.}

Cam: {OFFSCREEN, NARRATING OVER KATHLEEN'S MIMING} And de Vere's preparing for her third javelin throw of the day. And... Yes, she appears to have impaled the German judge. That is going to lead to some serious demerits here in the fifty-seventh hour of this decathlon event.

Cam: Well, don't keep us in suspense, who won the sex lube grand athletic meet?

Kathleen: There are no winners. It's a participation event.

Cam: No-one is just participating with sex lube.

Kathleen: Well, cover me in lube and call me an athlete, 'cause that seems like something I want to try! But until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON SLEEPY OWL TEA COSY} this hat, which is an owl hat, that's actually an owl tea cosy, so it's got like ear access. That's good, you can put your earbuds in there, your beats by Dre, get the, the sound reproduction that you want, but without any interruption to the nifty owl hattedness that you need. {LAUGHS} Sure, fashion.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF CAM AND PAUL ON THE SOFA. THE MICROPHONE IS POINTING MORE AT CAM, SO MOST OF PAUL'S SPEECH HAS SUBTITLES.}

Paul: A lubed-up rope climb would be pretty funny. {SUBTITLED}

Cam: Mmm.

Paul: Anyway... Everything's better covered in lube, anyway. That's what we've learnt. {SUBTITLED}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} That's the motto for this week's Feed Dump.

Cam: Yeah.

Paul: Apparently so.

Cam: Did the cow try lube?

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Maybe that's how it got on the roof.

Paul: {LAUGHS} That's right, that's what you need for the football.

Cam: Yeah.

{PAUL LAUGHS}