Impediments to Employment Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump - Impediments to Employment

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're "the Pokemon that show up when the one that you WANT doesn't". I am "Drifloon", the one that steals children...but not HEAVY children. Joining me this week is "Trubbish"...

Cameron: "Self-propelled garbage bag" joke.

Graham: ...and...{LOOKS TO HIS LEFT}...Alex, what are you?

Alex: {BUNDLED UP IN A BLANKET} I'm COLD! Is THAT a Pokemon?!

Graham: Ummm,...uhhh,...we'll say you're...you're "Vanillish", the one that's, literally, an ice cream cone.

{TITLE: VANILLISH WAS CREATED BY JAMES TURNER (NO RELATION)}

Graham: A man in Grand Central Terminal suffered burns on his hand and legs after his e-cigarette exploded in his pocket.

Cameron: It's gotta be upsetting when you're waiting in line for the train and the guy next to you in line erupts in flame like a white phosphorus grenade that reeks of ham and cotton candy.

Alex: They've said e-cigarettes are not much better for you than smoking, but a pack of Malboros isn't gonna detonate!

Graham: Maybe he was just trying out the new vaping app for his Galaxy Note! {SMILES AS CONFETTI DROPS AND AN AIRHORN GOES OFF}

Cameron: In retrospect, I suppose putting a heating coil next to a lithium-ion battery is an engineering challenge.

Alex: Maybe this is just the 2016 variant of the old "exploding cigar" trick.

Cameron: I suppose NOW we can all start worrying about the CIA or NSA remote-detonating our cigarettes.

Graham: According to the article on ABC News, {READS FROM iPHONE} "E-cigarettes and other battery-operated electronic smoking devices occasionally do catch fire." {LOWERS PHONE} The same could be said of MOST objects.

Alex: I mean, ANYTHING'll burn if you make it hot enough. That's where we get lava.

Cameron: I feel that that line misses a morally - and also, probably legally - important distinction between something being "flammable" and something being "self-detonating"!

Graham: A German court has ruled that breast implants are not an impediment to becoming a police officer.

Cameron: How MANY breast implants are we talking here?

Alex: Depending on the size of said implants, I can see them being an impediment to ANY occupation.

Cameron: Were they concerned that breast implants in the ABSTRACT were, like, an impediment to becoming a police officer in the manner of, like, an obstacle course? Or a jiggling, swaying, bouncing castle?

Alex: If you encounter an implant in the field, first attempt to VERBALLY detain it, THEN physically restrain it.

Graham: This ruling came after a women appealed a police doctor's assessment that her implants might rupture in the course of law-enforcement work. But the court heard expert testimony that there was a less than twenty percent chance of that happening.

Alex: {SHOCKED} TWENTY PERCENT?!?

Cameron: I don't pay for plasma guns in "Warhammer 40K" 'cause there's a one in SIX chance that they rupture! Don't roll those dice!!

Alex: Statistically, her fifth physical altercation in this line of work is is gonna result in a flat.

Cameron: I feel there's a stereotype being avoided here of authoritarian German women in uniform with enormous titties.

Graham: A pair of brothers in the Slovak town of Trencin won a grave-digging competition by digging their grave faster than the ten other teams.

Alex: For...various interpretations of "won" or "their".

Cameron: What the fuck happened in Slovakia that they need to have a competition to dig graves as fast as possible?!

Graham: According to a five-member jury, their grave was also the "neatest".

Alex: The other ones were so sloppy; you wouldn't chuck your worst enemy in there.

Cameron: I would.

Alex: Also, what the fuck happened in Slovakia that they have a JURY to assess grave-digging in the same way you might assess a bottle of wine?!

Graham: Apparently, space is at a premium in Slovakian graveyards and so they have to use people rather than machines 'cause machines can't be as precise to get narrow spaces between them. It took 54 minutes.

Cameron: Cool. We found a manual labor job that's safe from automation AND will still be relevant even AFTER the robot uprising.

Alex: {ACTING AS ROBOT LOOKING DOWN ON A HUMAN} CLANG! Dig it yourself! You have 54 minutes!

Cameron: {LOOKING UP, ACTING AS HUMAN IN THIS "PLAY"} Or what?!

Alex: {OFF-SCREEN, STILL AS ROBOT} You will not have a neat grave!

Graham: And, on THAT note, if you're looking for something to WEAR while watching a grave-digging competition, may I recommend THIS hat...{DONS AN ORANGE COWBOY HAT WITH SIX HOLES AROUND THE RIM}...which holds six beers! So, now, I just need to go and find six beers...and put them in a hat. I might buy a SEVENTH to actually drink, now that I think about it. 'Cause, otherwise, I'm just a guy with six beers in his hat. And, if you're gonna be THAT in public, I better be drinkin'!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {LOOKING AT HIS iPHONE} This...this story doesn't seem THAT weird.

Alex: {OFF-SCREEN} Maybe we can MAKE it weird.

Graham: Yeah, maybe. I just going with the ones that you gave me. I can find my own, but...{SHRUGS}