Idiot Loses Election to Robot Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Idiot Loses Election to Robot

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where it's summer so it's time to eat a burger and what's better on a burger? Cheese! That's right, this week, we are cheese. I am Swiss cheese because I am holey. Not like religious holy, I have holes... in me... whatever. Joining me this week is blue cheese,

Serge: {THUMBS-UP} Lovable, and kind of smelly.

Kathleen: And Casu Marzu.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} I'm illegal and full of maggots!

{TITLE: OTHER OPTIONS INCLUDED: BRIE, HARVATI, AMERICAN, GOAT CHEESE AND MANCHEGO! MAN, MANCHEGO IS FUN TO SAY, ISN'T IT?/MANNCHEGOOOO}

Kathleen: A pox on your house! A plague, a boil, a pustule, a pimple. All gross things. Why are they gross? Well, dermatologists are blaming Shakespeare.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, RUBBING HIS FACE} Mumble mumble, Francis Bacon grease.

Kathleen: So to clarify, back in Shakespeare's day, hygiene and sanitation was... non-existent a lot of time, and certainly not at the level that it was today, so there was rats and sewers and, you know, you would get awful diseases and they were usually, you know, cauterized by skin lesions or boils, and that's gross. Or is it? {READS FROM iPHONE} According to dermatologist Dr. Katriana Wooton from Nottingham who did a language analysis on Shakespeare's plays, uh, "Shakespeare uses the negative undertones of these diseases to his advantage, employing physical idiosyncrasies in his characters to signify foibles in their behavior."

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, RUBBING HIS FACE} Mumble mumble pimple my ride.

Serge: Now remember kids, physical beauty doesn't necessarily mean good or evil anymore.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} But it means good.

Serge: Yeah, but it-it means good.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} It could be that we're really overdue on a resurgence of physical ugliness as like a Vogue thing. Maybe it'll become fashionable again.

Kathleen: Are you kidding me? No way! I have spent my whole life in the pursuit of physical beauty and this is the best I've done. I'm NOT GOING BACK! I JUST GOT TO AVERAGE, ALEX!

Serge: Oh my God, is that a new pimple? I'm so jealous!

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Dog, I got lesions on boils, boils on lesions, lesions on lesions!

{CLOSE-UP} Legions of lesions.

Kathleen: It's Serge's first Feed Dump, and what would a Feed Dump be without a guessing game? Serge and Alex, can you guys figure out how a burglar in Minnesota got caught?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Used his unreasonably small dick as a lockpick and got it stuck.

Serge: Failed to pay warning to the "Beware of Dog" sign... and they had like a huge dog. Like ten Rottweilers.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Just straight broke into a Rottweiler farm.

Serge: He thought he saw a jewelry box on a high shelf and then knocked himself unconscious when he pulled it off, it's like right on the dome.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Just knocked himself unconscious for literally no reason at all.

Serge: Robbed a gun closet, shot himself 'cos he left the gun loaded. It's America.

Kathleen: According to police reports, {READS FROM iPHONE} a Minnesota man came home, found his house unlocked, cash and a bunch of valuable items missing.. and the, uh, burglar's Facebook profile open on his computer. {BEAT} {ALEX BREAKS}

{SHOT OF SERGE AND ALEX ON THE COUCH. ALEX IS LAUGHING AND SERGE IS JUST STUNNED.}

{SUBTITLE: SERGE IS AWESTRUCK BY THE REVEAL.}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, LAUGHING} What a fucking idiot!

{SUBTITLE: WATCH CAREFULY (sic)! YOU CAN SEE WHEN HE REALIZES THIS REALLY HAPPENED}

{SUBTITLE: WAIT FOR IT... PROCESSING...}

{SERGE CLOSES HIS EYES IN DISBELIEF}

{SUBTITLE: THERE IT IS! ARROW POINTS TO SERGE}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, LAUGHING} Did he check into Foursquare?

Serge: {ARMS UP IN THE AIR}

Kathleen: Serge, I feel like I've eroded your faith in humanity by pointing out how stupid people can really be. {SMILES, FIST-PUMPS} Yes!

Serge: My-my faith in humanity is gone. I... {SIGHS}

{ALEX, OFFSCREEN, REACHES OUT AND PATS SERGE ON THE BACK}

Serge: {TURNS TO LOOK AT ALEX} Alex? {CAMERA PANS TO INCLUDE ALEX AS HE REACHES OUT HIS FINGER} No...

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} Sssshhhhhhhh! {PUTS FINGER ON SERGE'S FACE, MAKING SERGE FLINCH}

{KATHLEEN LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Serge: There goes the rest of it!

Kathleen: It's primary season in the United States, which means you've got a bunch of new challengers facing down encumbrance to see if they can win Congress nominations. Uh, now sometimes that means you have two incredibly qualified candidates slugging it out to see who can represent the Republican or Democratic Party, and sometimes you have a guy that lost and then plans to fight, uh, his loss by saying that his, uh, opponent that defeated him is a robot... And- {BREAKS} {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER}

{CHANNEL TWO 'TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES' CARD Voice-over: Well we're having one or two little problems at the moment.}

Kathleen: His opponent is a lookalike robot and that you should only vote for a genuine human.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP, HEAD IN HANDS} Pardon fuck?

Serge: {IN ROBOT VOICE} Does not compute.

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} I got nothin' against robots, but all I'm saying is I gotta lotta meat pride in me. {BEATS HEART WITH FIST} Lotta meat pride.

Serge: Is it technically slander if you're crazy?

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} My opponent is some kind of ghost dirigible, spraying the toxic nerve gas all over the constituency, which is why I lost. I would like to get a laser gun with which to shoot him down.

Kathleen: So according to this guy, his opponent and several other members of the US Republican Party are no longer alive because they are actually executed on live Ukrainian TV in 2011. Now rebuttals like "I have never been to the Ukraine", "I am not a robot", have had no effect on him and he still claims that all of the votes his opponent received, by the way which is eighty-two percent of which in the Republican prime rite, (can't think of why nobody would vote for poor old genuine human Tom Murray) should be transferred to him on account of his opponent being a, you know, a filthy human-killing machine.

Alex: {WEARING MWI PUMP HAT, CAMOUFLAGE SHIRT, NO GLASSES AND HOLDING A TOY GUN} {AS ELMER FUDD} Be vewy vewy quiet, we're hunting wobots.

Serge: It might be crazy enough to be true. {LOOKS TERRIFIED AS KATHLEEN, OFFSCREEN, BURSTS OUT LAUGHING} {GLANCES AT ALEX}

{PANS TO ALEX, WHO'S SCRATCHING HIS FOREHEAD, THEN BACK TO SERGE}

Serge: {POINTS TO ALEX} {WHISPERS} He could be a robot! {POINTS AT CAMERA} You could be a robot! {SHUFFLES BACK INTO CORNER OF THE COUCH AND PULLS HIS KNEES UP UNDER HIS CHIN}

{PAN BACK TO ALEX, WHO'S MOVING HIS ARMS UP AND DOWN LIKE A ROBOT}

Serge: {OFFSCREEN} IT'S REAL!

{ALEX BREAKS AS THE CAMERA PANS BACK TO SERGE}

Serge: {SCARED} It's all real!

Kathleen: O-kay, so I think we're uh gonna call Serge's first Feed Dump to a close here. Uh, he just needs to go have a lay down, I think. Uh, so until next time, remember: there may be better sources of news that don't have robots and don't have {PUTS ON LIGHT GREEN TRILBY WITH RED AND WHITE CHECKERED RIBBON} this hat, because not all robots. {MUGS}

{ALEX AND SERGE LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Kathleen: {WEARING LIGHT GREEN TRILBY WITH RED AND WHITE CHECKERED RIBBON} {ADJUSTS HAT} Milady!

Alex: {OFFSCREEN, LAUGHING} Goddammit!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Alex: {WEARING BLACK CAP} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} I tried silicon once, but I did not install.