Hot Sauce and Genitals Are Not Friends Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Hot Sauce and Genitals Are Not Friends

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are tasting the rainbow, and that is not a drug thing, we are bags of Skittles. I am the classic Tart-N-Tangy, which is delicious and not too sweet just like me, and joining me this week is Skittles Licorice?

Beej: The kind you set out on a bowl at your party and your friends all dig in and try some and then spit them back into the bowl.

Kathleen: And Skittles Riddles, {FROWNS} which is hard to say.

Ash: Riddle me this: What does a candy company do when they mix up the dye and flavor combination on millions of candies? Sell them as something else!

Kathleen: And we're all high on sugar so we're gonna go like ride bikes and hit each other with stuff! Woo!

{TITLE: I'M HIGH ON SUGAR AND READY TO FIGHT EVERYONE! LOOK!! THERE'S SOME BEES! LET'S TRY AND EAT THEM TOO! (SUBTITLE: AND THIS IS WHY I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SUGAR AFTER DARK. I'M LIKE A GREMLIN WITH A DEATHWISH.)}

Kathleen: If you're like me, you can probably use a little bit of extra money every now and then, but sometimes you just don't have anything to sell off. However, that didn't stop one enterprising Australian man who decided he would just write the word "The" on a piece of paper and then sell it on eBay. Bidding is at over one hundred dollars.

Beej: So if a picture's worth a thousand words, then one word is worth... one hundredth of a picture.

Ash: MATH!!

I just wanna be clear here, I spent two weeks knitting a Doctor Who scarf and sold it on eBay for less than that scrap of paper's currently going. That's not really a funny comment, I just wanna throw that out there as a thing that's happening.

Beej: Maybe we're all looking at this the wrong way. Maybe you're not buying a definite article "the", maybe you're buying the definite article "the".

Kathleen: Well, according to the actual eBay listing, {READS FROM IPAD} "I am selling the word 'The'. Handwritten with blue ballpoint pen on a torn piece of Reflex A4 paper, this versatile word can be used in literally thousands of sentences. For example: 'The dogs have escaped again', 'I will buy some meat from the local deli', 'What's the time?', 'How much are you bidding on that ridiculous eBay auction for the word 'The'," and so on and so forth.

Ash: Okay, I figured out what they're actually bidding on. They're literally just bidding to be in the screencap for when this becomes an internet meme.

Beej: {HOLDING WHITE IPHONE} Worth it!

Kathleen: A fraternity at the University of Louisiana has been suspended because their hazing ritual-

Beej: {EYES CLOSED, HANDS ON HIS TEMPLES} Don't say killed the guy, don't say killed the guy.

Ash: {EYES CLOSED, HANDS ON HIS TEMPLES} Don't say fucked the guy, don't say fucked the guy.

Kathleen: No, this is Feed Dump, guys, and murder and aggregated sexual assault are not funny topics for funny news Feed Dump! No, their hazing ritual involved pouring hot sauce on a pledge's genitals. He required medical attention.

{SHOT OF ASH AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA. ASH IS WEARING THE MWI PUMP HAT SIDEWAYS.}

Beej: This fraternity looks cool.

Ash: {WEARING MWI PUMP HAT SIDEWAYS} Yeah, and to get into this one, you gotta put hot sauce on your dick.

Beej: ...That fraternity looks cool. {GETS OFF SOFA}

Ash: How are there still even people in this fraternity? Like, how did they not lose everyone immediately when the first dude suggested "Hey, you know what would be really fun to do to our pledges?"

Beej: I'm glad I joined the fraternity just to put hot sauce on a hot dog. Maybe that's it, maybe they just got confused 'cos the text actually said "wiener".

Ash: {WEARING MWI PUMP HAT SIDEWAYS} Dude, what are you doing? We're eating this!

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} NO, MY PANTS ARE ALREADY OFF! WOO!

Kathleen: A man from Bremerton, Washington, was arrested after passersby saw him driving his car while touching himself with his tongue hanging out. Upon his arrest, he told officers he was not masturbating in public, he was just scratching his recently waxed crotch.

Beej: I'm surprised he didn't get his tongue all the way down there while driving.

Ash: I'm actually a little bit weirded out by the fact that they had to mention that he had his tongue sticking out, like... who sticks their tongue out when they scratch their crotch? Who sticks their tongue out when they masturbate?

Beej: {LOOKS AROUND SHIFTILY}

Kathleen: Well... I think this guy might have just been weird. After a state trooper started following the guy 'cos he was doing this weird thing in his car, he pulled over in a Burger King parking lot and started heading towards the bushes and that's where the state trooper got him, and he told the state trooper he was getting out of his car because he had to fart and he didn't want to do it in there.

Beej: Was his tongue still hanging out while he was farting? Does this guy's tongue not just fit in his mouth?

{TALKING WITH HIS TONGUE HANGING OUT} I am not an animal!

Ash: You know, there's a solid chance that we're taking this all out of context. Does this guy have a girlfriend? 'Cos all I see is a wonderful man who went out and waxed his junk for her and then decided not to fart in the car so that she wouldn't have to smell that ungodly stench. This guy might be Boyfriend of the Year!

{WIDE SHOT OF BEEJ ON THE SOFA, MIMING MASTURBATING WITH HIS TONGUE HANGING OUT}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Next season on The Bachelor...

Beej: {TALKING WITH HIS TONGUE HANGING OUT} MMMMRRRR MMMHURRRR!

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Still better than Don Pablo.

{BEEJ BREAKS LAUGHING}

Kathleen: TV jokes!

Ash: Way to all hip with the kids these days, Kathleen! Keepin' it topical.

Beej: No no, topical was like the rash he had... down there.

Ash: Scrittal itch! {GRIMACES}

Kathleen: Hey, what's your idea of a fun weekend? Is it watching a thirteen hour long Arby's commercial, because that's happening!

{SHOT OF ASH AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}

Ash: Why, yes it is!

Beej: You read my mind!

{BOTH GET OFF THE SOFA AND LEAVE THE SET.}

Ash: {OFFSCREEN} What the shit?!

Kathleen: Guess Feed Dump's over 'cos I can't compete with the allure of the Arby's smokehouse brisket sandwich. But remember, until next time, there may be better sources of news that have co-hosts, but they don't have {PUTS ON WHITE SMILING GHOST EARFLAP CAP} this hat! I'm a ghost! {IN SPOOKY VOICE} Ooooooooooohhhh! Don't put hot sauce on your genitals, kids! Oooooooooohhhh! I'm Good Advice Ghost, ooooooooooooohhhh!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: {HOLDING IPAD} "How much are you bidding on that ridiculous eBay for the word 'The'?" and so on and so forth. {LAUGHS}

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} Okay.

Kathleen: The last one I added. {CAMERA PANS AWAY FROM HER AT THAT POINT} Uh, and realized halfway through the word "The" was not in the sentence.

Beej: Yeah.