Hot Dump 3: Penis Edition Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Hot Dump 3: Penis Edition

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

{THE SCENE IS THE MT. WASHINGTON HOT TUB WHERE TWO PREVIOUS FEED DUMPS TOOK PLACE. UNLIKE PREVIOUS DUMPS, WHERE THE DUMPERS ARE AROUND THE TUB, THIS ONE HAS THEM ALL ON ONE SIDE. KATHLEEN IS ON THE RIGHTMOST SIDE AND THE CAMERA STARTS ON HER.}

Kathleen: So, 28 inmates escaped from a Brazilian jail after three women went inside dressed liked sexy police bondage strippers, and then seduced and then drugged the wardens with promises of an orgy. 28 people then left through the front door! What have I been doing Feed Dump for?! For the last three years, I've been slaving over a hot Dump to bring you dumb news so you don't DO shit like this and this is how you pay me back?!? Forget it! I'm going on vacation!! I'm DONE here!!

{CAMERA PULLS BACK TO SHOW LEELEE NEXT TO HER}

Leelee: {HOLDING A BEER BOTTLE} Aren't you, literally, already ON vacation?

Kathleen: MORE vacation!!!

{CAMERA PULLS BACK MORE TO SHOW ANDREW NEXT TO LEELEE}

Andrew: {IN SHADES, HOLDING A BEER BOTTLE} Aren't you, literally, in a hot tub right now?!

Kathleen: {GIVING UP} All right. fine...welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we're people in a hot tub. {CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON KATHLEEN AGAIN} I am "fan favorite Cameron Lauder". Joining me this week is "Andrew"...

Cameron: {FAR LEFT, WEARING HEART-RIMMED SHADES} I'm making a guest appearance in this hot tub in my victory lap of life.

Kathleen: ..."Blonde Leelee"...

Andrew: I'm not sure how but dying my hair actually made me shorter.

Kathleen: ..."some girl named Kathleen"...

Ian: {BETWEEN CAMERON AND ANDREW} I'm the sassy one! {ACTS LIKE A CAT SCRATCHING AT SOMETHING} Rawr!

Kathleen: ...and "Ian Horner".

Leelee: I'm the only one that brought sake.

{TITLE: IT'S A HOT, WET...VIDEO!/NEWS (SUBTITLE: THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO MAKE A POOP JOKE HUH? HA!)}

Kathleen: After a contentious lawsuit, a German court has ruled that men do have the right to pee standing up.

Andrew: What, you mean I've been sitting down this whole time for nothing?!

Cameron: {SANS SHADES} This decision stopped being relevant to me 45 to 20 seconds ago.

Leelee: So, wait, what about women? Did we already HAVE the right or do will STILL not have the right?

{CUT TO CAMERON, IAN AND ANDREW, ARMS AROUND EACH OTHERS' SHOULDERS}

Boys: {SINGING} We shall overcome!

Kathleen: Don't...don't get too excited, guys. What happened was a landlord sued a tenant after he claimed his {FINGER QUOTES} "acidic urine ruined" a marble floor, and was trying to get 3000 euros out of him, but the judge said, "Uh, that's standard wear and tear. Men can pee standing up. There's no clause that you need to put in your rental contract that would have them sit down to take a tinkle."

Andrew: I'm honestly surprised it took the legal system this long to get around to dealing with our "acid piss". I've been using it to rob jewelry stores for years!

Cameron: Well, obviously, writing your name in the snow is "amateur hour". The real trick is writing your name in the floor.

Ian: I'm honestly surprised that this is about acidity and not pressure.

Andrew: I think the importantly overlooked fact here is this guy had a marble floor in his bathroom! Why are we living in Canada?!

Kathleen: Because, goddammit, in Canada, EVERYONE has the right to pee standing up! Even if you're not very GOOD at it!

{SHOT OF ALL FIVE DUMPERS, SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "O CANADA", WITH THE WORDS SHOWING IN RED BELOW THEM}

All: {SINGING} O Canada/Our home and pee-soaked land...

{SHOT CONTRACTS INTO THE "HISTOR!CA HERITAGE MINUTE" GRAPHIC, FOLLOWED BY A BRIEF TEST PATTERN}

Kathleen: A hill in Wales has become a tourist attraction after somebody cut a giant penis into the grass on its side, and now that there's snowfall, you can see the penis from miles around.

Leelee: It's a Christmas miracle!

Ian: Well, that they THOUGHT the penis would only last for three days. But, instead, it lasted for eight! It's also a HANUKKAH miracle.

Andrew: {GESTURING TO CAMERA WITH BEER BOTTLE} If YOUR penis lasts more than eight days, definitely call a doctor...mostly to get him to...{RAISES HAND UP TOWARDS LEELEE}...give you a high-five! {LEELEE HIGH-FIVES ANDREW OFF-CAMERA}

Cameron: I don't get what's so special about this. Whose penis ISN'T visible for miles?

{SHOT OF LEELEE AND KATHLEEN, ARMS AROUND EACH OTHERS' SHOULDERS}

Girls: {SINGING} We shall overcome!

Andrew: Praising...boom!

Ian: Is this just Wales seeing every other country trying to fuck Mother Earth and saying, "We should do this in our OWN Welsh way"?

Kathleen: Locals estimate the penis is about 100 feet long and, while they don't know who cut it into the grass, it is in an area of {FINGER QUOTES} "outstanding natural beauty", according to the Welsh council.

Ian: Never has it been more important to know (if) the moyl charges by the PIECE...or by the INCH. {ANDREW CHUCKLES OFFSCREEN}

Cameron: A hundred feet. OK, so it's a medium. {REMOVES GLASSES AND HANDS THEM TO IAN, WHO DONS THEM}

Ian: It's not the medium...it's the message. {WORDS APPEAR BELOW IAN: "Canadian reference!"}

Kathleen: Wildlife rangers in a Polish forest were horrified to discover that a male snowy owl had been killed and devoured by his female mate after she discovered his testicles were too small.

Andrew: Wait a minute. How did the rangers KNOW that it was the owl's tiny testicles that got him murdered? Like, isn't that...sort of ascribing motivation to the female owl? Like, it feels like projection is what I'm saying.

Ian: This isn't how Hedwig died in the book.

Andrew: I've seen the movie version of that one, though. It's pretty good.

Kathleen: So what happened was the rangers at this Polish park realized the female snowy owl was kind of cranky. So they got her a new mate, which they imported from Germany. And they got along great for the first two days. And then they were horrified to discover that he had been dead and partially dismembered...and eaten. So they're like, "OK, I guess we'll examine his remains." And, when they examined his remains, they found that his penis and testicles were underdeveloped and he probably wasn't fertile. So what they guess was that she got frustrated and killed him out of...lust? I dunno...whatever...she, she...penis wasn't good enough so she ate him.

Andrew: Are we SURE it's not because he was peeing standing up?

Ian: Can you guarantee that the next time I sit down, I'm not going to have an owl biting my dick off?

Leelee: No promises.

Cameron: Wait, you're telling me I can just ORDER a tiny-dick German owl? I don't need all these traps?! GOD! SEVEN YEARS! {LEELEE STARTS LAUGHING OFFSCREEN} Seven years of my life!

Andrew: {TO CAMERON} I told you about Amazon Prime six months ago!

Ian: What's the, uh, German word for deriving pleasure in an owl having its dick being eaten off? "Snowy shlong-enfraude".

Cameron: More like..."Snowy shLITTLE-frauden"...{DONS GLASSES}...am I right? {SILENCE} Guys?

Kathleen: Big-dump-epin-sode-shaden-over-freuden-hot-dumpin-fumpin...it's over! It's done! {FROM OFFSCREEN, GETS HANDED A GOLDEN STATUE OF A BIRD WITH A VHS TAPE AS A HEAD} Oh, and I just got this award for a People's Choice for a video I helped write that was in a film festival. So episode REALLY over. I'll sit here with my winnings. Like, this will be the start of my "dragon horde". {PUTS STATUE ON HER HEAD} It's also a dainty hat...not really. Quite uncomfortable. All right, everybody out of the tub.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS...SUDDENLY STOPPED WITH A TEST PATTERN. SCENE GOES BACK TO TUB WITH KATHLEEN HOLDING A RED DEMON-LOOKING TOQUE}

Kathleen: Oh, man, I got, uh, excited because I got that award and I forgot we actually HAVE a hat...{DONS TOQUE}...this week, which was given to us by Glen. It's an EverQuest hat. And now it has chlorine on it...sorry, Glen. {SADLY FROWNS}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS, FULLY THIS TIME}

{CUT TO SHOT OF THE BOYS, PUTTING THEIR ARMS AROUND EACH OTHERS' SHOULDERS FOR A SCENE}

Andrew: What are the words to "We Shall Overcome"?

Kathleen: {OFSCREEN} I think they're just, "We shall overcome"...

Cameron: {SINGING} Someday...

{CAMERA FOCUSES ON THE THREE}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Three, two, one...

Ian: {SINGING} Somebody wants...

{BOYS CRACK UP}