Feed Dump and Chill Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Feed Dump and Chill

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump where, this week, we're just chillin'. I'm "Netflix and chill", the original and best. Joining me this week is "Canasta and chill"...

Beej: {SIGHS} After three hours of playing that shit, all I wanna do is just get canast-y.

Graham: ...and "Surreptitiously adding a box of condoms to an otherwise conspicuously superfluous 1 AM trip to the grocery store...and chill."

Cameron: Look, I just needed a People magazine at 1 AM! It's fine!

Graham: And, in twenty minutes, we give you THIS look...

{CUT TO BEEJ LOOKING DERPY FOR A FEW SECONDS}

{TITLE: HOLD ON, I THINK BEEJ IS BUFFERING}

Graham: Deputies in the town of Limerick, Maine decided to check in with someone's Christmas light decoration after his neighbors complained that he had spelled the word "ISIS" in Christmas lights.

Beej: That IS a royal fuck-up; we're all supposed to be calling them "Da'ish".

Cameron: Fel-ISIS Navidad.

Felisis Navidad.

Felis-isis Navidad.

Fel-Da'ish Navidad.

Beej: Wait, when you say "deputies", do you mean, like, the sheriff was all, {SPEAKS IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} "I need you, you and you; we're all gonna form a posse and go shut down that man's Christmas lights!"?

Cameron: {TO BEEJ} What was that accent? This is Maine! Shouldn't they be, like, {SPEAKS IN "JFK" ACCENT} "And I will go and I shut down this man's, uh, Christmas lights"? {BEEJ CRACKS UP LOUDLY OFF-SCREEN AS CAMERON SHRUGS}

Beej: I don't think either of else has ever MET anyone from Maine.

Cameron: Maybe it just said "1515" and he was celebrating something's 500th anniversary.

Beej: Yeah, like the death of Louis XII of France...

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Down with kings!

Beej: Or the subsequent coronation of Francis I of France.

Cameron: {OFF-SCREEN} Long live the king!

Graham: The important subtlety that whoever reported this to the police missed out on was that ABOVE the "ISIS" symbol on the deck was an illuminated Santa Claus who, through a string of white Christmas lights, was urinating ON the "ISIS" logo. {PAUSE AS THIS SINKS IN} The man was NOT an ISIS sympathizer.

Beej: Well, shit, yeah. I guess Santa WOULD hate ISIS. I mean, the feeling's probably mutual.

Cameron: Real trenchant political discourse. Biting!

Beej: By the way, a stream of WHITE Christmas lights? I mean, maybe they don't make yellow but...you should pick something a little less suggestive?

Cameron: Like what? Green? Red?!

Beej: {TO CAMERON} Oh, if it's red, he can get a shot and clean that right up.

Graham: The policeman said that no laws were broken and the homeowner will rearrange the lights to better illustrate his message.

Beej: What message?! The symbolic representation of "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" doesn't like terrorism?! Fine!

Graham: The school district in Keller, Texas is reviewing a sixth-grade assignment that had students create a step-by-step plan of how to get cocaine from the cartel to the street dealer.

Cameron: I thought Texans didn't LIKE children learning about condoms.

Beej: Wow. I knew teachers were having a tough time with salaries but...mmmmmmmmmm...

Graham: When one eleven-year-old brought home his worksheet for {FINGER QUOTES} "The Cocaine Trade From Field To Street" (as the name of the assignment was), his father felt that it was a diagram in how to become a drug dealer.

Beej: Oh, no. You gotta use the product for years before they even let you move up the ladder to start PUSHING it.

Cameron: They're no teaching them how to perform a "Colombian necktie"! I mean, I don't think little Bobby's gonna move straight into a leadership position in the Medellín Cartel.

Beej: Plus, I bet those little hands are real good at tunnel-digging.

Cameron: I suppose once you completely gut the science curriculum, there's not a lot left to do but learn a trade. I mean, there's plenty of jobs; the "War on Drugs" hasn't been very successful.

Beej: I'm just impressed that this teacher found a way to sneak past the Texas Board of Education and start teaching the metric system.

Graham: A 22-year-old Florida man, suspected of burglary, managed to get away from police by wading into a lake to throw off the dogs. However, in Florida, they also have GATORS...and that's what killed him.

Beej: V-viewers at home, I was following along just fine. Then we got to the end and the guy died and now I'm not sure what to think about this. {GRAHAM CHUCKLES OFFSCREEN}

Cameron: He got feared into the whelps?

Beej: {ANGRY} A man is DEAD, Cam! Not a particularly SMART man...almost certainly not a GOOD man...but, in some ways, a brave Florida man.

Graham: The man, apparently, phoned his girlfriend earlier that evening to let her know that he would be burglarizing homes in that neighborhood. And then, later, phoned her with a follow-up that he was being chased by police. I would've liked to hear the THIRD call.

Beej: {MIMICKING HAVING PHONE TO EAR} It's OK, honey. I'm safe now. I found somewhere to hide. It's a little cramped.

Cameron: What's gator for, "New phone, who dis?!"

Beej: The more I think about, this just becomes a cartoon where he's in his striped pajamas holding a big bag that has a dollar sign or "LOOT" written on it or whatever...he's just running along being chased by the barking dogs. He goes down the side of the lake, just, right into an open gator's mouth.

Cameron: So there's just unsecured gator zones in Florida? Like, you can just be out for a jog and run directly into a gator? Seems unwise...but entertaining.

Beej: Did the gator return what he stole?

Cameron: {TO BEEJ} A man's life?! Gators don't have that kind of power...unless they do!

Beej: That would explain why old people keep moving to Florida.

Graham: And, on that bombshell, it's time to end. But, until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news but they don't have THIS hat...{PUTS ON SHARK TUQUE WITH LONG 'FINS' THAT DOUBLE AS MITTENS}...which is not a crocodile but it's a shark. Or a gator, actually, 'cause it was a gator in Florida, 'cause it's Florida and it's an alligator in Florida. But this is neither; it's a shark...{PLAYS WITH 'FINS'} with really long fins! Um,...they're, like,...gators of the ocean? {THINKS} Well, they have teeth. Lots of teeth. Let's go with that. {CROSSING ARMS WHICH CROSS THE 'FINS' UNDER HIS CHIN} Sup?

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Beej: Since this happened in "Limerick", Maine...{HOLDS UP iPHONE}...if I may...{READS FROM iPHONE}

There once was a fellow from Maine

Who thought Christmas lights all look the same

So, on one silent night

He drew "ISIS" in lights

And splashed it with Santa's "gold rain".