Feed Dump UK Special: Booze, Cats and More Booze Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Feed Dump UK Special: Booze, Cats and More Booze

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: {WEARING SUNGLASSES} Welcome to Feed Dump. Insert {TAKES OFF SUNGLASSES} David Caruso joke here. I am your host, Kathleen, and this week, we are famous explorers. I am Captain Cook who just couldn't leave well enough alone. Joining me this week is Ernest Shackleton,

Cam: {WEARING BROWN FUR-LINED HAT} It's astonishing that I'm not dead.

Kathleen: And Lewis and Clarke.

Paul: {WEARING COONSKIN CAP} I am two men who did not get along.

Kathleen: And we're all going on an adventure!

{TITLE: IT'S TIME FOR AN ADVENTURE! AND BY ADVENTURE, I MEAN VIOLENT MILITARY COUP (SUBTITLE: NOW DOES EVERYONE HAVE THEIR PASSPORTS, SHOTS, BURNER PHONES, CIA DOCUMENTS...)}

Kathleen: Finally, a Feed Dump story I can get behind! A Scottish town made headlines this week when they unveiled an eight thousand dollar bronze statue of... the local stray cat, Hamish.

Cam: Eight thousand dollars is an awful lot to pay to have a live cat bronzed.

Kathleen: The cat's still alive. They just immortalized him because he's so fuzzy!

Paul: If I was making a bronze statue of a cat, I would make it huge and then I would like add a bunch of extra like- I'd add like bat wings on the back and like a big like manticore tail.

Cam: I would submit that I would want a statue of myself with bat wings and a manticore tail 'cause that sounds totally sweet.

Kathleen: You would want a statue erected in your honor to look like the cover of a heavy metal album?

Cam: Of course! Bronze statues are probably like the longest living artifacts that humans ever produce. I want future generations to look at me in awe.

Paul: I don't know who this guy was, but he was bad-ass!

Kathleen: Wow, I don't know who this guy was, but he also had a bronze statue made of his adorable kitty!

{BLOOM-LIT SHOT OF PAUL, WEARING A CURLY WHITE WIG}

Paul: {WEARING CURLY WHITE WIG} {IN DEEP CADENCE} THIS IS GOD! REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT WORSHIPING IDOLS? WELL, IT'S OKAY IN THIS CASE, HE'S SO CUTE.

Kathleen: A terrible crime wave has hit west Yorkshire with thieves stealing what from Range Rovers and other luxury SUVs?

Cam: Casual-tiered Dijon mustard?

Paul: The hood ornament, so you can't really tell that it's a really fancy car anymore?

Cam: Stereotyping the owners of these vehicles, I would say Phil Collins CDs.

Kathleen: I know these people are supposed to be old, but who keeps CDs in their cars anymore?

Cam: Okay, then actually just Phil Collins.

Kathleen: "You know, you should think twice 'cause it's not another day in paradise. I've been stolen eight times this week," is what I would do if I had a bald cap and I could do a Phil Collins impersonation. Jokes!

Cam: Small abandoned artisanal dogs?

Paul: Expensive high-end whiskey?

Cam: Butlers?

Kathleen: All guesses, I wouldn't say good, most of them were just silly. But, in addition to that, they were also wrong. Thieves are stealing the LED headlights because they're amazing to use in grow-ops.

Cam: Yeah, this makes sense. Like, they're broad-spectrum, they're power efficient so the cops probably find it difficult to monitor your power usage, they are like... long-lasting and you get to steal from the rich. And then sell back to them.

Paul: I'm just imaging the guys running the grow-op who just buy like fifty Range Rovers so that they can get the LED lights out of them. They don't really understand the whole principle of the thing.

Kathleen: Look, they may not understand economics, but they understand big pimpin', let me tell you.

Cam: A victimless crime!

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Uh, what about all those rich people who owned Range Rovers?

Cam: ...A victimless crime!

Kathleen: This just in: people look better when you're drunk. No, really. The University of Bristol did an actual scientific study and apparently the more you drink, the more attractive you rate people. So, uh, good use of school funds, guys. Good job.

Paul: Guys, I could have saved you a lot of money. Mythbusters did that.

Cam: I did that! With a larger sample size than Mythbusters, and probably this study.

Kathleen: In this study, volunteers either drank an alcohol drink or a non-alcoholic placebo then were shown twenty images of male faces, twenty female faces and twenty landscapes. And according to the results, {READS FROM WHITE IPHONE} "attractiveness ratings were higher for all three image types among the alcohol group compared to the placebo group."

Cam: {DRUNKENLY} That beaut!

Paul: {DRUNKENLY} Is it just me, or is that fjord giving me the eye?

Cam: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. So they've developed an alcoholic drink that is indistinguishable from a non-alcoholic drink? What have your careless hands wrought?

Paul: Now this may seem like kind of a stupid study, but I think that's just because they haven't gotten far enough. What I wanna know is, what kind of alcohol makes what kind of people more attractive?

Kathleen: Well, lucky for you, Paul, I've done my own extensive studies on uh, on alcohol and I can tell you that red wine is great, until you end up crying alone in the shower. {LOOKS OVER SHOULDER, TAKES A SIP OUT OF HER THERMOS} It's wine in here.

Cam: Well, I've conducted my studies with absinthe and... nothing makes some people beautiful. But it does make me look cool.

Paul: How I imagine this experiment goes is, all the scientists get together and find out how drunk they have to make other people so that the scientists appear attractive.

Cam: So in studying this study, what we've really discovered is that we need a university study on how to make jokes about this study that aren't a little rapey.

Kathleen: {LAUGHS NERVOUSLY} Okay, that's it for Feed Dump this week, and remember, there may be better sources of news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BROWN USHANKA} this hat, which was donated to us by a fan and is from China, but I'm going to say, Glory to Arstotzka! {JAZZ-HANDS} Yayyyy, the Arstotzkans, well-known for their jazz-hands.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: {WEARING BROWN USHANKA}Glory to Arstotzka, etcetera, etcetera. {JAZZ-HANDS} Jazz-hands... No.