Dirty Cheaters Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Dirty Cheaters

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week, in honor of my new lipstick, we are all shades of lipstick. By the way, my shade of lipstick is Cruella, which is awesome. Joining me this week is Eggplant Raven Shade,

Cam: Black like the stains on my collar. No, wait, that's gross.

Kathleen: And Springtime Peony.

Paul: Okay, yeah, I guess I'm a spring. Um, or maybe a fall. Or maybe a winter? Could I be a summer?

{TITLE: YOUR LIPSTICK COLOUR? IT'S BASIC. OH SNAP! BURN!}

Kathleen: Researchers at the University of Queensland have found a reason why British people are so... average. Turns out, they think it's sexual selection.

Paul: Well, that does make sense. The most popular magazine in the UK is Average Men's Quarterly.

Cam: Well, I'm off to England where I, being highly regarded, will net myself a neglected above average woman.

Kathleen: {SIGHS} Actually, Cam, I'm so sorry, but at six feet tall, you are well above the British average because what I'm talking about is height. See, turns out British people are average-heighted compared to other Europeans. In fact, Scandinavians are on average the tallest, and Italians and southern Europeans are on average the shortest, but Britons are right in the middle and researchers wanted to know why. And they couldn't really figure anything out, so they've figured it must be genetic selection.

Cam: So as you move the slider on Europe from south to north, the people stretch out? That seems like something that should have been caught in QA.

Paul: It seems like a lot of dating in the UK happens in kind of a Goldilocks thing. "Oh, this person's too short. That person's too tall. But this person is just right, in terms of height which is the only thing that I'm measuring people on for some reason."

Cam: Maybe there are other selective pressures that weren't corrected for, like, maybe tall people are regularly brained by low-hanging doorways, while shorter people are swept away in shoals of bangers and mash.

Kathleen: An Italian man was kicked out of a prestigious chess tournament after officials discovered he was cheating because he was blinking his eyelids in Morse code.

Cam: What was the message he was sending? A chessboard is open information, it's right there! It's more work to blink it out than it is just to look.

Kathleen: So here's what happened: a referee started getting suspicious when this guy, who was ranked {READS FROM IPHONE} uh, "51,386th in the world", started beating much better players and so they decided to see what was happening, as one does not simply go on a chess tear. {BRIEF SHOT OF NEWS ARTICLE WITH A FEW SENTENCES HIGHLIGHTED} They tried to get him to take off his shirt and he refused, and then they found out he had a spy camera underneath there which they think was like taking pictures of the board, and then it was sending information to an accomplice, and then he was getting the signals back using the Morse code to confirm or something, it's very overcomplicated. I think the moral here is don't make things too complicated or you will get caught.

Cam: And now all his dreams of crushing those high-level chess tournaments and raking in mad chess sponsorship deals and just nailing hot chess groupies, all torn asunder. {SHAKES HEAD} SMH.

Paul: After all the stuff we said here, making fun of this guy, I think the thing that is most impressive is that they caught him because it was working! He actually was beating people who he shouldn't beat. That is amazing!

Cam: I mean, kudos to the guy for coming up with a plan that worked, but how bad does it have to feel to get busted because the officials are like, "Whoa whoa whoa... this guy is way too stupid to beat players this good."

Kathleen: A Portland man is facing charges after authorities reported that he urinated on fellow passengers during a Jet Blue flight. Here's what happened: {READS FROM IPHONE} apparently, he'd been sleeping for most of the flight, so people were ignoring him. And when they were about 30 minutes away from landing, he stood up and started pissing through the cracks onto the people in the row in front of him, but then he lost his balance and sprayed urine up in the air, on uh, several other passengers and pieces of luggage.

Cam: Great! Now I'm gonna have to have my penis checked when I go on a flight.

Paul: You mean the TSA doesn't check your penis when you go through security now? {THINKS ON THAT}

Cam: Well, now I just feel really unloved.

Paul: Is it wrong that I kind of want to see that in slow motion, maybe with an orchestral soundtrack?

Cam: In brackets, R. Kelly Joke. {SUBTITLE: [R. KELLY JOEK]}

Kathleen: I wonder what it's like to watch an arc of urine flying towards you while you're on a plane. I mean, do- you just watch it coming through the air, do you have time to get your hands up, or is it like one of those things where you can't believe what's happening to you and you watch in dumbfounded horror? Does your jaw drop open from the shock of the whole thing, and then right before it comes to make contact with your face, do you realize that your mouth is hanging open in awe and shock? I have a lot of questions about this.

Paul: On the plus side, this did happen near the end of the flight. If it happened at the beginning of the flight, then you would have had to spend the entire flight covered in urine with a guy there who clearly has bladder problems.

Cam: If Feed Dump has taught us anything, it's that when someone does something actionable on a flight, they usually turn the plane right around and arrest them.

Paul: That's not better. Now you're still covered in urine, but you're late!

Cam: And you didn't even get to be drunk!

Kathleen: The man in question is facing charges for criminal mischief and offensive littering.

Cam: Is that it? How do we as a civilization not have a criminal charge for weaponized urination?

Kathleen: You know what else we haven't developed as a society? A criminal charge for being {PUTS ON SILVER SEQUINNED CAP} criminally fabulous, like this hat, which was given to us by a fan and it came in the mail and then I don't know where the note that came with the name was, so thanks so much for this hat. It is a delight, as in it reflects "de light" because of all "de sequins". {LAUGHS} Okay, I'm done making terrible jokes now, bye. {WAVES}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: Okay, so while this hypothesis might explain the unusual height distribution found in European people, what I don't understand is how this group of people, uh, the hosts of Feed Dump which are primarily descended from white UK citizens, are so damn tall.

Paul: Well, clearly that's because Canadians have selected for people with a rugged outdoor frontier lifestyle like- {JUMPS AND POINTS AT FLOOR} AHH! Spider! No, no, {RELAXES AGAIN} that's just a bit of fluff, we're okay.