Defeated by a Panda Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump - Defeated by a Panda

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Ian: Welcome to Feed Dump. This week, we are all "walking simulators". I am "Gone Home"...or, at least, I will be once I'm done recording. Joining me this week is "Super Mario Bros."...

Beej: I mean, it's more of an "endless runner" but I'm not picky.

Ian: ...and "Virtual Insanity".

Cori: It's called "Jamiroquai Game"

{TITLE: NOW THERE IS NO SOUND FOR WE ALL LIVE UNDERGROUND}

Ian: Following a spate of seven robberies since the beginning of the summer, a scrapyard owner in eastern Spain has replaced all of his guard dogs with bulls.

Beej: Wait, you mean, like those things that you roll on lawns?

Cori: {TO IAN} I...I really thought you were going to go for more alliteration there with, like, snakes. "Spanish scrapyard snakes".

Beej: The pain in Spain comes mainly from the sna...snainks...snainks. Got it in one.

Ian: {HOLDING SMARTPHONE} Emilio Cerveró bought two fighting bulls to replace his guard dogs after thieves kept snipping the wires of his fence and making off with {READS FROM PHONE} "such objects as rear-view mirrors, lights or spare wheels".

Beej: {IN SUDDEN UNDERSTANDING} BULLS! Like what shtoop cows!

Cori: {COUNTING ON HANDS} So they stole a rear-view mirror, a light and a wheel...to "MacGyver" what?

Beej: Some sort of "Iron Giant" project?

Cori: If a fighting bull is still alive, is it really good or really bad at what it does? What do their, like, retirement plans look like?

Beej: Normally you by two of something to get them to breed. I hope he wasn't counting on that. But, if he was, I hope he sets up a webcam.

Cori: He's gonna be real disappointed when he discovers the thieves are matadors and they're building a giant mecha-matador.

Beej: And, with the rear-view mirror, they'll have NO blind spots!

Ian: A Tuscon man who was locked out of his home had to be pulled out of his own chimney after he was trying to get back inside. Neighbors heard screams but the man had to endure four hours before he was pulled to safety.

Beej: I admire his original thinking and...child-like wonder. Uh, but you have to imagine there's gotta be a better solution for this. Like, he could've kept keys with the neighbors. He...he could've just left the keys somewhere on his property!

Cori: Well, given his original thinking, he probably keeps the spare key IN the chimney to deter thieves.

Beej: OK, in all this wild speculation, we are losing track of the true question here: face-up or ass-up?

Ian: Funny you should ask that, Beej. The 26-year-old almost MADE it into his home; his feet were touching the ground before he was pulled up by a rope. But the chimney narrowed as it got closer to the fireplace, making movement impossible.

Cori: It's like that hole was MADE for him!

Beej: 'Kay, now I have a beef with this architect. Because, if a relatively healthy 26-year-old person can't make it out of his own chimney, how the FUCK is Santa supposed to?!?

Cori: And, with all of the doors and windows locked, how's the TOOTH FAIRY supposed to get in?!

Beej: And, if you don't have a trench in your backyard, how is Laura Secord supposed to bury all of her chocolates?!? Arizona's the WORST! So beige!

Ian: And finally, as is tradition on an Ian-hosted Feed Dump, it's time for "Bear News". This week: a man in Jiangxi, China was defeated by a panda as he was trying to impress his female friends while visiting a zoo.

Cori: This man's NOT seen "Kung Fu Panda"...one, two or three!

Beej: How can you POSSIBLY get defeated by a panda?! What do you challenge a panda to that they're interested in doing AT ALL?!

Cori: And why would you impress women by beating up charismatic macro-fauna?

Beej: I dunno, Cori! I've never really learned how to flirt, did I?!

Cori: {TO BEEJ} You think I know how to flirt?! I don't think anyone in this ROOM knows how to flirt! I don't think anyone in this BUILDING knows how to flirt! {TO THE MIDDLE CHAIR} Cam, do YOU know how to flirt?!

Cameron: {IN IAN'S SPOT} Well,...not on purpose.

Cori: Thank you!

Beej: What were we even talking about again?

Ian: Well, I was GOING to tell you guys about how this guy wandered into the panda enclosure, poked the bear while it was sleeping until it woke up and grabbed him, pinned him to the ground and...

Beej: Oh, cool! Like in "The Revenant"?!

Cori: Leo's got his Oscar now. Might as well give one to everyone else.

Ian: And, on that note, there may be better sources for news out there, but they also don't have Oscars and they don't have this HAT...{DONS A U.S. NAVY CAP WITH "USS WYOMING" ON THE FRONT}...which is from the USS Wyoming which I believe is...{REMOVES CAP AND LOOKS AT THE FRONT}...a boat...I'm gonna say aircraft carrier. It's got our...{PUTS IT ON BACKWARDS TO SHOW "LoadingReadyRun" ON THE BACK}..."name" on the back there so I can be all "hip" like the kids. "You, waddup? I'm with LoadingReadyRun. We're gonna sit here and we'll have some fun. On Feed Dump." Yeah.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF BEEJ}

Cori: {OFF-SCREEN} And if there's no well,...

Beej: Yeah, and, if there's no well,...how is Susan B. Anthony supposed to hide all her Sacagawea dollars?!