Dead Body Accidentally Thrown Away Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Dead Body Accidentally Thrown Away

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: {SINGS} Welcome to Feed Dump! This week, we are great albums. I am Danger Mouse's Grey Album, two great albums, half the calories. Joining me this week is Paul Simon's Graceland,

Cam: Half the artists, all the good song writing.

Graham: And Pink Floyd's Echoes.

Kathleen: It's the summer, you've got time to listen to it.

Graham: I mean, you're already high.

{TITLE: SEE ALSO: NIRVANA, RADIOHEAD, BLUR, KANYE... SHIT FROM THE 2000s... YOU'RE OLD NOW!}

Graham: Have you ever thought to yourself, "Man, I love the space of a minivan to carry all my things, but it's so hard for me to scream at my children in the backseat"? Toyota has you covered with the Driver Easy Amplification System. The driver can now have louder voices in the backseat, for easier screaming.

Kathleen: No more screaming yourself hoarse, because your little filthy bastards are screaming themselves hoarse.

Cam: It's never too early to give your children the lesson, that screaming louder is the way to win arguments.

Kathleen: I feel that the only thing that Toyota needs to add to this design is to add a rear axle ejection system so you can finally make good on the "I will turn this car around" threats and then you can do that but then you keep going to your destination unmolested by your horrible children.

Cam: Why stop there? Why not throw up a soundproof blastproof enclosure around a white tile interior of the vehicle so you can blast your horrible little fucklings with ice cold water if they dare get out of line.

Kathleen: Now we're just describing my mother's dream car.

Aw, I'm just kidding. My mom's dream car would have detachable seat belts that you could use as real belts.

Cam: {THINKS IT OVER} ...Normally it's my forte, but I can't actually get darker than that.

Graham: In Saginaw County, Michigan, the sheriff has decided that the orange jumpsuits you all know so well are too cool now thanks to Orange Is The New Black and other pop culture things. So they're doing away with them and replacing them with a bold new design: black and white stripes.

Kathleen: I liked Oh Brother, Where Art Thou as much as the next person, but give me a break, buddy.

Cam: {COUGHS} Just comin' up with something funny to say there, boss.

Graham: The sheriff's response to that would be that because people think that Orange Is The New Black is so cool that they'll want to wear jumpsuits like that in public or to the mall, and because Saginaw County actually has inmates working in public spaces, then it might lead to confusion.

Kathleen: Yeah, yeah, that glamorous prison lifestyle. That's what Orange Is The New Black is about.

Cam: Well, this totally stymies my fantasy of going to the mall and cosplaying as my favorite characters from American History X.

{SHOT OF CAM AND KATHLEEN ON THE SOFA. BOTH ARE WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUITS AND ACTING LIKE TEENAGE GIRLS}

Kathleen: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Ashley, do you wanna go to the mall?

Cam: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Totally, Jennifer, I need my Starbucks.

Kathleen: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} I'm useless until I get my far skinny viente vanilla frappachino of the day.

Cam: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Oh, I totally need my coffee.

Kathleen: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Oh, but if we go to the mall, remember like Tiffy went there last week and she totally got shotgunned 'cos they thought she was in that prison escapee gang.

Cam: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Oh yeah, that sucked! It totally ruined her jumpsuit.

Kathleen: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Uhhhh, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Graham: Dateline: Florida. {NODS KNOWINGLY} Settle in. Two guys were hired to clean out a rental home. You know, "take out that stuff, move all the furniture, all that garbage, that weird Halloween decoration, cut that down, all that stuff, off to the dump." Sure thing, no problem. Off to the dump, weird Halloween decoration mannequin, that's to the dump, all that stuff. Cut to next day, people at the dump, "Why does that Halloween decoration smell so much? Oh, that's a dead guy."

Cam: Look, they paid me to take this shit to the dump, not to care! {LOOKS AT WATCH} Also it's break time.

Graham: When I die, please do not let my remains be easily confused with a Halloween decoration!

Kathleen: What blows my mind is not that they took a body to the dump, it's that when it got to the dump, people didn't immediately notice it was a body.

Cam: To be fair, I think that's putting a bit too much responsibility in the hands of people who rummage through stuff at the dump.

Graham: The workers who inadvertently dumped the body have been cleared of wrong doing because as the person at the dump said, it was just there on top of the pile of garbage. Anybody wanting to hide a body would have done a better job than that.

Cam: Look, I get it, dead bodies are freaky. Maybe you just thought it was highly realistic. But, what if it wasn't? What if they were like, "Man, this Skeletor decoration has seen better days."

Graham: To be fair though, chances of confusing a dead guy for Skeletor, probably pretty slim because he didn't- he was a skull like for a face, but from the neck down, dude was ripped! Blue, but ripped.

Kathleen: {HORRIFIED} Are you fucking saying that like the skin and muscle and tissue had melted off this guy's skull, but the horrible rotting like blue moldy flesh was still intact from like the collarbones up, and they were like "Sure, seems legit"?!

Graham: {OFFSCREEN, LAUGHING} I'm talking about Skeletor!

Kathleen: Oh, I don't even know anymore- {BREAKS OFF, LAUGHING}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN, LAUGHING}

{PANS TO CAM, WHO'S ALSO LAUGHING, AS HE TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES}

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN, STILL LAUGHING}

Kathleen: {LAUGHING}

So, how did he die?

Graham: He... hung himself. That's why he was... hanging up. {BEAT} I don't know why they didn't pick up on that.

Kathleen: So the, the house, now that it's cleaned out, has some pretty big pros and cons. I mean, con, mummy was found inside it. Uh, pro, the air conditioning must be amazing for that to happen in Florida.

Cam: Well, I suppose that makes more sense than my head canon which just had him expiring on a lounger while watching TV and, I don't know, just kind of slowly turning into Weekend at Bernie's, Part 8, with a raccoon sitting inside his empty abdominal cavity, watching the same TV show that he was. Kind of like, with a drink and some Cheezits. {SHUFFLES ABOUT ON THE SOFA} Getting comfy. And then maybe that raccoon died and there was a gator inside the raccoon now.

Graham: That's it for now this week, but remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat, {PUTS ON YELLOW DEALER-STYLE SUN VISOR WITH THE WORDS 'HEAPS FREE SHADE'} which would be useful if you're down in Florida and you want heaps of free shade. Because, uh... this will block... an amount of the sun, I guess, at least a color of the spectrum. I don't know how much this is actually supposed to protect you from the sun, it's practically transparent. I- Also it has "Heaps Free Shade" on it, {BOWS HEAD TO SHOW THE WORDS ON THE VISOR} so that's exciting. It's- I guess you get a little shade from the lettering. {SHAKES HEAD} I wouldn't buy it.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Kathleen: {WEARING ORANGE JUMPSUIT} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} But my new jumpsuit matches my shoes! {HOLDS UP LEG TO SHOW ORANGE SHOE}

Cam: Well, I would have thrown that boring ass corpse out too! He sucks.

Kathleen: {WEARING YELLOW HEAPS FREE SHADE VISOR} {IN TEENAGE GIRL'S VOICE} Jennifer... is a basic bitch! That's right, {POINTS AT VISOR} shade.