Dads, Drugs and Cricket Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Dads, Drugs and Cricket

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we are what meet the street. That's right, this week, we're shoes. I'm a pair of super-cool limited edition Chuck Taylor high-tops. Joining me this week are some sandals,

Tally: Strapped with soft Corinthian leather and embossed with cavorting graceful dryads.

Kathleen: and something that Beej thought up.

Beej: Yeah. Shoes. For your feet.

Kathleen: Hey and you know what? Shoes rhymes with news!

{TITLE: HOLY CRAP! THE WORDS ACTUALLY RHYME THIS WEEK! SHOES/NEWS (SUBTITLE: HA! USING OLD TITLES!)}

Kathleen: {SUBTITLE: L2 FOCUS TALLY} So you're setting up a blind date online so you can meet someone for some sex. {SUBTITLE: JK I LOOK AMAZING SOFT FOCUS FOREVER} Who's the worst person you could possibly run into?

Beej: It's gotta be this dude's mom.

Tally: Justin Bieber's mom.

Beej: Your unbeknownst-to-you birth mom.

Tally: The person you're attempting to cheat on.

Kathleen: I might have to stop these Feed Dump guessing games. You guys are getting way to good at them. It turns out the worst person to have sex with, in this situation, is your father-in-law. {READING FROM IPAD} So 57 year old Wang Pi and 28 year old Li Li met online in China, and decided to have a sexy rendezvous. Imagine their surprise when they meet in a hotel room and discover that Wang Pi is Li Li's father-in-law, AND Li Li's husband, Wang Pi's son, has followed her to the hotel to see who she's cheating on him with!

Tally: You know, it does say something about having married into the right family, you know, you LIKE your in-laws. This is... {SHRUGS} good?

So, this gets even weirder if Wang Pi is in to like slaver Leia dress-up and you get all... "I am your father... in-law."

Beej: {HOLDING HAND OVER MOUTH} [LIKE DARTH VADER} Luke, I am your father. I'm sleeping with your wife.

Kathleen: So, we've all been on the receiving end of that {MIMES TALKING ON PHONE, IN STILTED MONOTONE VOICE} "You've won a free cruise from Air Canada" {IN NORMAL VOICE} phone scam, right? Well, not all free vacations turn out to be scams. A couple from Australia won a free vacation to Canada, complete with brand new luggage! And it was great and they actually went to Canada and they had a great time, and when they came back to Australia, they realized that they had been tricked into being drug mules!

Tally: This makes me suddenly realize that there is in fact something worse than Air Canada losing your luggage, which is what I always fear. Now I'm going to fear they don't lose my luggage, they fill it full of drugs!

Beej: I'm a little unclear here. I would assume that most REALLY good exotic drug plants would grow better in Australia than in Canada, so what exactly are we getting them to mule back?

{SHOT OF BEEJ AND TALLY ON THE SOFA. TALLY IS WEARING A RED AND WHITE CANADA TUQUE AND HOLDING A SMALL PACKET OF SOMETHING}

Tally: {WEARING RED AND WHITE CANADA TUQUE} So these dried moose droppings are a very, very great delicacy here in Canada. {GIVES PACKET TO BEEJ} You should take them and distribute them to ALL your Australian friends, specially the man with the hat who meets you in the airport. He's been waiting for these for a long time.

Beej: {THINKS IT OVER} Free vacation. {GETS OFF SOFA}

Kathleen: Well, it turns out these two people were savvier than your average accidental drug mule. Despite the fact that they were 72 and 64, on the way back, the Australian tourists became a little suspicious of their bags and reported it to customs authorities. When they were opened up, they found... {READING FROM IPAD} "three and a half kilograms of meth."

Beej: Again, why can't you just make meth in Australia? They have bathtubs!

Tally: Yeah, but Australian bathtubs sometimes have giant spiders in them. Do you know how much it ruins your high to be sucking up giant desiccated spider legs?

Beej: I thought the sign of a good high was feeling the spiders all over you.

Tally: {CRINGES IN DISGUST} UhhhhAAUUAUAUAUAUUUUGH!

Kathleen: The moral of the story: Don't do drugs, kids. Spiders.

Beej: I just have to say I'm really impressed at our restraint that we haven't even made a bad trip joke yet. {MUGS} {SUBTITLE: NICE RESTRAINT BEEJ}

Kathleen: It's been a fight nearly five hundred years in the making; the Vatican and the Church of England going head-to-head to finally determine which one is the true, victor, at... cricket!

Tally: Okay okay okay, this is amazing. You finally get an opportunity to mix the nonsensical lingo of cricket with the dogmatic theological language of Christianity. NOBODY WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING, BUT IT WILL SOUND INCREDIBLE!

Beej: {READING FROM IPHONE} {SPEAKING LIKE VATICAN PRIEST} And it came to pass, in the sixth inning, that the batsman did remember the lessons of the Indian spin quartet. And lo, did he take their straps upon himself and go fishing, much like our Lord and Savior, with the meat of his bat. Here endeth the inning. {SPEAKS LATIN PRAYER WHILE CROSSING HIMSELF}

Kathleen: {WEARING POPE HAT} And lo, the batsman has been eliminated due to the leg over wicket rule. And it is good, for the Church's score, that is.

Tally: And the jack did cry unto the people "Zounds, it has bounced into the cow corner amongst the lilies of the fields!"

Kathleen: {WEARING POPE HAT} Hit him with a beaver, you son of a bitch! [TAKES THE HAT OFF, THROWS IT ON THE GROUND} I got ten pound riding on this match!

Beej: I'm following this episode of Feed Dump about as well as I'm following any other cricket match.

Kathleen: {HOLDING IPAD} So the Vatican's actually gonna form an entire cricket league. The teams will be composed of, um, {READING} "priests and seminarians from Catholic colleges and seminaries in Rome." And then they're gonna play each other in a 20/20 tournament where the games last a comparatively brief three hours, I KNOW! But the best players are gonna form the Vatican team which is gonna go head-to-head with the COE!

Tally: In response, the Anglicans have not yet announced their plans since one of the teammates is going through a messy divorce, and the Unitarians are waffling.

Kathleen: Well, that's enough brushes with blasphemy for this week, I think. And with that, this episode of Feed Dump is coming to its sacredelicious end. But remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON BLACK BUNNY EARS} this hat, which is actually part of my "Sexy Feed Dump Host" costume. And like all of those sexy costumes, not safe to wear outside! Your jumblies are gonna hang out, it's very awkward to wear around children! {SHAKES HEAD} {MOUTHS} No.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Tally: Does meth get you high? Do you call it a high, or a trip or what? Or just get fucked up?

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} All I know is-

Beej: {OFFSCREEN} It literally fucks you up.

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} It gets you fucked up and makes your teeth fall out. That's all I know about meth.

Tally: Okay.