Close Your Eyes in the Pool Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Close Your Eyes in the Pool

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Cameron: Good afternoon and thank you for joining me on Feed Dump. Graham and Kathleen continue to be away. this week, we are "the temperatures at which things burn". Joining me "212 degrees Celsius", the temperature at which jet fuel auto-ignites...

Alex: {WEARING CAMO CAP, IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} I can't melt steel beams.

Cameron: ...and "22 degrees Celsius", or a pleasant room temperature.

{CUT TO SERGE, SMILING COMFORTABLY AS MUSAK PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND}

Cameron: I am "37 degrees Celsius", the temperature in which RELATIONSHIPS burn.

{TITLE: LOVE IS JUST ANOTHER FORM OF ENTROPY}

Cameron: {TO ALEX AND SERGE} Welcome, gentlemen. {TO CAMERA} News in this week from Japan has dog owners shaving WHAT into their pets?

Alex: Uh, "what is a pompadour?", Alex?

Serge: With Japan's fascination with cats, I would imagine they're shaving their dogs...INTO cats.

Alex: Crop circles. Or..."collie circles"?

Serge: Maybe some form of registration. Like, a...family name or...or the PET'S name.

Alex: Serge, only STUPID answers on Feed Dump.

Serge: Uh,...butts?

Cameron: Fascinating theories all, gentlemen. But you'll find that most dogs already have butts and, for the few that don't, well, they don't last long. The correct answer...is cubes.

Serge: To specify, are you shaving cubes INTO them...or shaving them into the SHAPE of a cube?

Cameron: You're more right than you know, Serge. The Japanese have begun shaving their dogs into {SHOT OF A POODLE WITH CUBE-LIKE FUR} cube-like forms. So it is more accurate to say that they are {BACK TO CAMERON} shaving cubes into dogs.

Alex: Maybe there's a "neo-cubism" joke to be made here but it's REALLY obvious.

Serge: Ah, the classic sport of shaving hair into various geometrical shapes. I, for one, have a great deal of experience. I've...turned my own chest hair into a pyramid on more than one occasion.

Alex: I don't think you're supposed to make topiaries out of living things.

Serge: I think that's a little insensitive there, Alex. I mean, after all, are trees not also living?

Alex: {ANGRY, REMOVING GLASSES} You KNOW what I meant!

Cameron: There's already the disturbing suggestion that this technology has propagated among other Asian economies with one hairdresser from Taipei cautioning British pet owners in particular that this style is not easily imitated and requires certain kinds of fur. {TO ALEX AND SERGE} Gentlemen, is it time for sanctions?

Alex: We cannot allow any other nation to dictate our dog-shaving practices. Therefore, I recommend immediate sanctions and blockades.

Serge: I'd have to disagree wholeheartedly with Alex. I believe that it is in mankind's best nature to allow the free sculpting of dogs in EVERY society across the world as is following with the practices of a free and open market.

Cameron: In what may prove to be a death knell for the nakedly communist Wikipedia, a New York man is finally offering a print volume of the online encyclopedia, numbering some 7600 volumes and costing $500,000.

Alex: {RUBBING HIS TEMPLES} People don't even use PHONE DIRECTORIES anymore!

Serge: Now, Alex, I don't think it's about its PRACTICAL use so much as its use as a STATUS object.

Alex: Status? Did you, perhaps, mean "clutter"?!

Serge: Imagine the possibility of having ALL of humanity's combined knowledge available in one...extremely, extremely large room.

Cameron: Very loosely approximating the thickness of each of these volumes at 10 centimeters, the collective print Wikipedia would require a bookshelf three-quarters of a kilometer in length to house, a distance traversed by Olympic record holder Kevin Rudisha in a minute and forty seconds. {TO ALEX AND SERGE} Gentlemen, where would YOU put these books?

Alex: On a bonfire.

Serge: That's extremely wasteful, Alex. Personally, I'd combine with my OTHER status objects like my swimming pool. Imagine being able to take a dip in all of humanity's knowledge.

Alex: OK, for REAL, though, next to the shitter so I have something to read...forever.

Serge: Imagine that you go down the water slide, come up and you're, like, "(COUGH) Oh, I now know the population of Turkey."

Alex: Serge, the paper cuts would carve your ass into pastrami!

Serge: I'm extremely disappointed in you. Have you no sense of romance?

Alex: What does this have to do with ROMANCE?!? This is just health and safety!! {HOLDS HEAD IN HANDS} There...there is so much paper we're talking about. I...I don't...I can't...

Serge: You're in luck. There's a section on "health and safety" IN the pool.

Cameron: Now that we've have trivialized 40,000 years of human ontology by participating in this video together, further disturbing news in from the CDC where it was revealed that the "chlorine sting" in your eyes when you go swimming is NOT caused by chlorine at all but rather by urine.

{WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE CAMERA SHOWING THE "FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF", FLIPPING BETWEEN ALEX AND SERGE SHOWING THEIR REACTION AT EACH STAGE, WITH SAID STAGE SUPERIMPOSED BENEATH THEM: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION AND ACCEPTANCE.}

Cameron: While working to reassure citizens that swimming remains a healthy activity, Dr. Michael J. Beach of the CDC's Healthy Water Program cautioned people against swallowing any water while at a pool as even one person with diarrhea can infect an entire group.

Alex: Vomit. Vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit, vomit. VOMIT, VOMIT! Vomit, vomit, vomit!

Cameron: An interesting point, Alex. An outbreak of norovirus in Oregon was recently linked to the possibility of one person with diarrhea possibly vomiting or explosively shitting themselves and everyone else in the state.

Alex: {HOLDING HEAD, SPEAKING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE} VOMIT, VOMIT, VOMIT, VOMIT!! VOMIT, VOMIT, VOMIT, VOMIT!!!

Serge: Cam, I absolutely consider this an act of terrorism. The swimming pool's an important American institution. Our children play there. I personally keep my knowledge there. And I believe the Patriot Act offers the tools necessary to protect this sacred place.

Alex: Your "sacred place" is full of piss, shit and VOMIT, VOMIT, VOMIT, VOMIT!!!!

Serge: I believe it's our responsibility as a free nation to insure that our steaming pools of feculence are protected under law.

Alex: {SPITTING OUT FAKE VOMIT IN HIS MOUTH} Brief aside, how did we all become Americans?!

Serge: All I had to do was put on a suit.

Cameron: Well, I...I just aspired to lose all empathy, context and sense of compassion for my fellow human beings...in the guise of...a 1950s-era PBS pundit-host.

Alex: {TO CAMERON} No, AMERICAN...not REPUBLICAN!

Cameron: Well, I think that you'd find that the exaggerated media persona that I'm adopting right now would argue that those things are, in fact, highly correlated.

Alex: {PULLS ON HIS SHIRT} I am wearing a red shirt. {HOLDS UP A "CARECARD"} And I do hold this "CareCard". {SMILES AS A CHIME RINGS}

Cameron: Now that Alex has collapsed the entire conceit for this episode, I suppose I have no choice but to pull the plug on this entire thing. Some of us may return in the future, depending on how the "domino strategy" plays out. But, in the meantime, there may be better sources for news but they don't have...{HOLDS THE LANTERN-FISH HAT}...THIS hat, which is the hat I always use when I host Feed Dump because I have no idea what hats have been used and what have not. {DONS HAT} Goodbye, everyone. And, until next time...

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{SHOT OF ALEX HUNCHED OVER HIS CHAIR HORKING WHILE CAMERON PATS HIS BACK}

Cameron: It's all right, buddy; get it all...get it all out, you damn commie sympathizer. Dude, did you miss your glasses?