Canadaman Transcript
Transcript for Canadaman
Transcript
{Comic-book style shots of Bill walking down the street}
Jacques Francois: {in French-Canadian accent} Bonjour, my friend. You want to sign zis petition?
Bill: Oh, what's this? {reads petition} We the undersigned do not agree that by signing this petition, we disagree to don't not agree that Quebec's not separation from Canada is not a good idea, keeping in mind that it's Opposite Day. {thinks it over} Wait a minute! This petition has ambiguous phrasiology!
{AMBIGUOUS!}
Bill: If only Canadaman were here!
Jacques: Not Canadaman!
{Pause}
Bill: {behind hand} If only Canadaman were here...
Jacques: Not. Canadaman.
{AWKWARD!}
Canadaman: {in Canadian stereotype accent} Hey there, eh? Sorry I'm late. Just watching the playoff game again. Friggin' Carolina! But in all fairness, y'know, they wanted it more and we, uh, we just didn't bring the heat. Also, uh, most of their team are Canadian y'know, so it's, uh, it's not that bad. Anyway, I- Jacques Francois! My arch-nemesis!
Jacques: Bonjour Canadaman, we meet again! And with the power of Canada's official national sport, I will bid you 'Au revoir'!
{Lacrosse!}
Canadaman: Yeah? Well I've got the one that people actually care aboot!
{Hockey!}
Jacques: En garde, Canada- Laaame!
Canadaman: Bring it on, separatist!
Jacques: We are a distinct society!
Canadaman: Well of course, I mean, all of Canada is made up of distinct societies living together in a complex cultural mosaic.
Jacques: But we are distincter!
Canadaman: You are a sphincter?
Jacques: Shut up!
Bill: Canadaman, wait! Look at this. He's trying to pass around this terrible petition!
Jacques: I thought it was a good petition.
Canadaman: My God! This petition has ambiguous phrasiology! You'll never get away with this, Jacques!
{Ambiguous!}
Jacques: I already have! I have sent out enough petitions for everyone in Canada!
Canadaman: I'll put a stop to that, eh?
Jacques: I'd like to see you try! I have shipped them, Canada Post!
Canadaman: Drat! If only Canada Post wasn't so darned reliable! Maybe I can stop them before they leave the post office...
Jacques: O-ho! You'd better hurry, Canadaman. They close in two minutes!
Canadaman: Canadaman, Away!
{MOSEY!}
{Another pause}
Jacques: So, you want to get some poutine or something?
Bill: Um... Sure?
{Comic-book shots of Canadaman standing on the pavement. He looks to the right for traffic, then the left, then the right again. He pauses as we hear a car driving past. Then he looks to the right, then the left, and crosses the street safely}
{Image of Canada Post office, then of the time table}
Canadaman: Oh no! They're closed! 17 o'clock? It's only six. That's not for another 11 hours! Curse government workers for leaving early! But you know, they do have a pretty tough job, and without them our fine nation just wouldn't run properly.
{Image of Tim Horton's}
Canadaman: But wait! There's one last chance!
{Comic-book shots of Canadaman entering Tim Horton's and spotting the postman, Morgan, sitting at a table eating donuts}
Canadaman: Are you the local postman?
Morgan: Sorry dude, I'm off duty.
Canadaman: No no no no, you don't understand! Jacques Francois has sent out an unpatriotic petition to every house in Canada! I can't let him! Check your bag!
Morgan: Okay, well let me take a look at-
{AMBIGUOUS!}
Morgan: My God! This petition has ambiguous phrasiology! I cannot deliver this in good conscience! It goes against the postal code!
Canadaman: You're a good citizen... citizen.
Morgan: Thank God you were here, Canadaman! Is there any way I can repay you?
Canadaman: Well... You got any more... any more donuts?
Lyrics
Who likes to end all fighting, except for in hockey?
Who shops for a truck, based on the holder for the coffee?
Who stands erect and insecure, just like the CN Tower?
Who's the superhero but not a superpower?
CANADAMAN! He eats donuts every day!
CANADAMAN! And tries to keep out of the way!
CANADAMAN! He appreciates input
And he says excuse me when you step on his foot!
He cannot fly or levitate, can barely even jump,
Can't see through women's clothing or bounce bullets off his rump.
Looks horrible in tights, his muscles are like lard,
But who can save a life with his organ donor's card?
CANADAMAN! He likes Canadian culture!
CANADAMAN! But what it is, he isn't sure!
CANADAMAN! Enjoys the social safety net
But who takes a job in the states the first chance he gets?
CANADAMAN! He knows how to make poutine!
CANADAMAN! And his hero is Lorne Green!
CANADAMAN! Wears a tuque upon his head!
He makes it looks so E-ZEE or should we say E-ZED?
CANADAMAN!
